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Naive
naive
that I'd let you stay
that'd we'd cuddle
over English muffins
smeared with jam
and talk about the news
maybe have a bbq
with your parents
on Saturday evening
and steal kisses
in the front seat
of your blue Toyota
while unexpected rain
drums its fingers
impatiently on the glass
maybe we'd get married
in that little church
your grandma goes to
have a baby boy
that grows up
to play goalie
on a soccer team
and has a ragged dog
named Beau
though neither of knows
why
these are nice dreams
good dreams
if I'd let you stay
but you need to go
button your shirt
be on your way
to some place
else, someplace
important
and I'll eat my muffin
in the quiet kitchen
and feel the phone
vibrate in my pocket
but if you think
I'll answer
naive
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| I was thinking the why...was almost internal for the narrator. Why can't this naive dream be real, why is it naive? Almost that they second guess it for a second, doubt that they are right to think it naive. The ending is still perking for me...lol...I will consider your suggestions. |
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| I like this a lot. The line with "why" all by itself, are you meaning to emphasize that word extra in order to say, "Why did this happen?" If not, I would move it up next to knows, and just break the poem into two stanzas here. Also, I'd suggest a direct approach at the end, such as, "but don't think I'll answer-- naive." This would bring a little more closure, whereas for me, I feel like I'm still waiting for something. Just some ideas. I enjoyed reading your poem. |
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