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The Penny Dropped
It was unfortunate for Lewis that the penny only dropped the morning after.
He had met Jade the night before. She was stunning; long blonde hair, legs that went on for days and a throaty whisper in her voice that made Lewis shiver when she said his name. They talked and he bought drinks and cigarettes. She laughed at his jokes. He had taken her home, of course.
Only now, as he lay watching her Adam’s apple jerk a little as she slept, did he realise that there had been a terrible mistake.
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that was fucking dark.
ace. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2007-12-06 04:59
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I'll bet their last dance was 'The Crying Game'.
Good twist, Lousie, and some nice hints to set the reader on the right track.
I'm not keen on 'It was unfortuante for Lewis...' I'd be inclined to start with 'The penny dropped the next morning. Lewis had met Jade etc.'
But that might just be me.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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Wow...amazing twist. He must've been really, really drunk. I like how subtle and surprising it is, and how you have to read it over and over again to really understand it as if you didn't believe your eyes the first time (or at least, that's what I did). It's a great write, short and simple and perfect.
Fantastic! |
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| Clever, Louise, and a good read. |
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WHAT? WHAT MISTAKE? DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN I MUST KNOW SO I CAN SUCCEED IN DATING!!
Jk. Its a good write. Just fix some errors in flow, like:
They talked and he bought drinks and cigarettes
Maybe change it to:
They talked; he bought drinks and cigarettes
or
They talked over drinks and cigarettes. |
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