Dead Lucky--Wee Challenge 20
When I came to, I saw my parents and sister standing by the door, talking to a cop and a doctor. I felt pea-gravel in my mouth. My body was broken, shattered, aflame. My sister cried out when she saw my eyes were opened. They came to the bed.
"Do you know where you are?" the doctor asked me gently.
I nodded. My eyes swam. My sister pressed her face against my mother's shoulder.
"Do you remember what happened?"
I blinked hard against the flood.
"Oh, Soriah," my mother cried. "He's dead."
"...lucky," was all I could manage to say.
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I felt pea-gravel in my mouth.
/perfect sentence..
They came to the bed.
//walked maybe, or just skip it.
I nodded. My eyes swam. My sister pressed her face against my mother's shoulder.
/killer..
pure showing, action happening, moving pictures, easy to film.
I blinked hard against the flood.
//good..
"Oh, Soriah," (my mother cried). "He's dead."
//those tags arent for me..
"...lucky," was all I could manage to say.
//telling..
Pain pulsed through my chest, "lucky."
A chipped tooth grated my toungue, "lucky."
showing.
sure, not just like that, a hundred different ways obviously.
really, its just subject verb construction.
I nodded. My eyes swam. My sister pressed her face against my mother's shoulder.
//like that..
the ending came as a nice shock.. i love not knowing what happened. soooo much better than having i spelled out for us.
cool man,
( /)
( . . )
c(")(") |
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Comment by: Bucho - 2007-12-15 12:52
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ah yes. the open ended end. sometimes it no work so good. here, it worka justa fine.
nicely done, girly. the pea-gravel was a nice touch too. like waking up from a three week nap and finding your mouth cemented shut by dryness. |
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| This was terrific. My first thought was that they'd been in a car accident and he was the driver. The fact it's left to your imagination makes it all the more dramatic. |
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Comment by: jakrebs - 2007-12-06 10:51
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| You are getting very adept at these challenges. Great write, and you stuck the word count. Jugdes? 10---9.5---10. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-06 05:51
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He's lucky he's dead because of what she'd do to him, accuse him of - because he'd have to face the consequences of what he did to her?
Oooh - I like that, Nora - I like being left wondering what he did (though I'm coming up with some pretty awful stuff in my mind).
Thanks for the read - and the mental work-out.
Cheers
Karen |
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