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Violet's Wish
Violet hopped across the old log, peering down occasionally at the burbling creek. Once on the other bank, she turned left to follow the stream bed until she reached the wide part where tadpoles and little fishes lived. She stopped and stood, clutching her hands tightly to her chest. With her eyes closed hard, she whispered her wish.
After a small plop, the copper coin fluttered through the water. Violet watched until it landed among the smooth stones at the bottom. Maybe now Papa would stop beating Toby. Her big brother was lucky to still be alive after last time.
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| This short piece is strong and engaging. You quickly created a sympathetic character. At first, I was surprised that you picked the word "fluttered" to describe the coin in the water. I think it works though. I appreciate novel ways of describing. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-11 05:05
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Lovely descriptions, Kirsten, and a very sad wee story.
No crits - I like it just the way it is.
Cheers
Karen
P.S. I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles - I read your blog on myspace, so I know what you've been through. At this distance, I can't offer any practical help, so I'll just say I'm thinking of you and your neighbours. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2007-12-09 06:48
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| Let's hope Voilet's wish comes true! Your description of the stream made me want to go fishing. Good job, Kristen! |
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Comment by: L J - 2007-12-07 22:14
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| Louise, my prayers are with you guys. One up on you for having heart and a positive attitude during this trying time. You may have written your sadness into this piece but Violet's positive outlook on life comes out in the way you've written the wish into the story. Subtle, like a cream caramel pudding. Leaves me to think about what she wished. |
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Comment by: LouiseKay Online- 2007-12-07 21:41
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Actually, I hadn't really thought of going beyond what it is at this point. I'll have to think about it, but it would be a disturbing story and I prefer putting together more 'light' reading. I live in Vernonia, Oregon and we're recovering form a devastating flood - I wrote this piece while I was at work and first got the news that my home was under several feet of water, so I was not in a very 'happy' place at the time. I poured some of my sadness into this piece - therapeutic. We're recovering and rebuilding, so at least all is not lost in my reality.
Thanks! |
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