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The Transaction
She squatted near the market, knees ballooning under her flowered skirt. A sooty Shetland jumper and men’s boots. Her black hair below the headscarf was tangled with twigs and dust.
“Pleeeze,” her brown eyes called as her outstretched fingers convulsed round nonexistent money. Her whine became a dirge. “Pleeeze, money for hostel, street no good.”
Shoppers turned from the alien, abject tones. They preferred their beggars brusque and insulting.
Joe stood bewitched by her moustache and the metal in her ear. Pulling from his dad, he poured his sweets money into the wide lap, down to the last falling penny.
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Guilty on both fronts, Karen m- and what's worse I was aware of cutting it close. You're an exacting editor! (which is GOOD)
Rachel |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-09 13:01
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Hi Rachel
This is a heart-warming story, but not sickly-sweet, thankfully. I liked that the passers-by didn't like this particular beggar and plaintive cry - that's a nice touch.
A couple of picky things:
'Her black hair below the headscarf was tangled with twigs and dust.' - if her hair is below a head scarf, the mc can't see that it's tangled etc.
'“Pleeeze,” her brown eyes called as...' - talking eyes? I know what you mean, but you are using it as a speech tag, so you're claiming that her eyes actually spoke the words.
Thanks for the read - good story.
Cheers
Karen |
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This is a lovely little tale!
Vivid description, 'her outstretched fingers convulsed round nonexistent money' - brings the MC to life.
I especially liked - 'Joe stood bewitched by her moustache and the metal in her ear' - even though this woman is very strange looking (double entendre on 'alien' me thinks!) He still gives his money!
Great job. |
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| Quite right. Gotta have something heartwarming this time of year. This painted a vivid picture and the final line was very moving. Thank you for a fine flash story. |
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What can I say? Beauty is viewed differntly by the very young.
And hey, it's Christmas (so the shops would tell us). Gotta have a feel-good story! |
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