writing community
Sign In Here | Lost Password | FREE Sign Up
E-mail: Password:
Remember login  
The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world.       Learn how other writers are doing it.

 
Rachel Escott
Rachel Escott
United Kingdom, London

Words: 101
Access: Public
Comments: 9

Forward to a friend
Print Version
E-mail this writer E-mail this user 
View Author profile
Add to Readers  

The Transaction

She squatted near the market, knees ballooning under her flowered skirt. A sooty Shetland jumper and men’s boots. Her black hair below the headscarf was tangled with twigs and dust.

“Pleeeze,” her brown eyes called as her outstretched fingers convulsed round nonexistent money. Her whine became a dirge. “Pleeeze, money for hostel, street no good.”

Shoppers turned from the alien, abject tones. They preferred their beggars brusque and insulting.

Joe stood bewitched by her moustache and the metal in her ear. Pulling from his dad, he poured his sweets money into the wide lap, down to the last falling penny.

Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
Sign up



[Back to top]
Comments  
Rachel Escott Comment by: Rachel Escott - 2007-12-15 07:56
Add to Readers
      
Guilty on both fronts, Karen m- and what's worse I was aware of cutting it close. You're an exacting editor! (which is GOOD)
Rachel
karjon Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-09 13:01
Add to Readers
      
Hi Rachel

This is a heart-warming story, but not sickly-sweet, thankfully. I liked that the passers-by didn't like this particular beggar and plaintive cry - that's a nice touch.

A couple of picky things:

'Her black hair below the headscarf was tangled with twigs and dust.' - if her hair is below a head scarf, the mc can't see that it's tangled etc.

'“Pleeeze,” her brown eyes called as...' - talking eyes? I know what you mean, but you are using it as a speech tag, so you're claiming that her eyes actually spoke the words.

Thanks for the read - good story.

Cheers

Karen
Audiogeist Comment by: Audiogeist - 2007-12-07 02:15
Add to Readers
      
This is a lovely little tale!

Vivid description, 'her outstretched fingers convulsed round nonexistent money' - brings the MC to life.

I especially liked - 'Joe stood bewitched by her moustache and the metal in her ear' - even though this woman is very strange looking (double entendre on 'alien' me thinks!) He still gives his money!

Great job.
GarethCB Comment by: GarethCB - 2007-12-06 11:22
Add to Readers
      
Quite right. Gotta have something heartwarming this time of year. This painted a vivid picture and the final line was very moving. Thank you for a fine flash story.
Rachel Escott Comment by: Rachel Escott - 2007-12-05 06:49
Add to Readers
      
What can I say? Beauty is viewed differntly by the very young.
And hey, it's Christmas (so the shops would tell us). Gotta have a feel-good story!
1 2 Next

Sponsored Ads


By Rachel Escott

Featured Writers

Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com
  Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S