Dead Lucky: Wee Challenge #20
She watched from the doorway as he sat in Thomas the Tank Engine jim-jams, gazing at the Goldfish Bowl.
He’d always been fascinated by the fish darting in and out of the plants, hiding in the wreckage of the pirate's ship. Every time she caught him carefully sprinkling food on the water’s surface, she felt a glow of pride.
Responsibility, she thought. Her mother had taught her the same lesson.
Then she noticed he was shaking and, after quickly walking to him, his face was wet with tears.
Ahh..that’d be the next lesson then, she thought.
Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: karjon - 2007-12-09 13:58
|
|
Our goldfish died last week - in fact, we got through three in the space of two weeks. I've even blogged about it on myspace - how sad is that?
Anyway - to your story. Really good - especially just dropping in the means of accidental death so subtley.
One sentence gave me problems:
'Then she noticed he was shaking and, after quickly walking to him, his face was wet with tears.'
I think it's the 'after quickly walking to him' - it's just a wee bit clumsy. Maybe something like 'rushing to hug him, found his face was etc.'
Just my thoughts, as always.
Thanks for the read - I liked this, Sharon.
Cheers
Karen |
|
|
A nice little picture, vividly drawn. In the context of the challenge, it's fun that neither dead nor lucky appear - if it were to stand alone, maybe you'd need to give a bit more of a hint on the 'next lesson'.
Lovely |
 |
Comment by: Nora - 2007-12-05 18:48
|
|
Aw. The fish's name was Lucky, right?
Too bad the other Wee title wasn't "Flushed" or "Burial at Sea" because you could have had a two-fer!
A very sweet and well done story, Sharon. |
 |
Comment by: wizzer Online- 2007-12-05 14:32
|
|
so well done! did miss the word lucky but prefer it not there.mystery!
all told ,,wide eyed wonder vs the mother doing the job of watching/waiting for lessons to be learnt...gave me a warm fuzzy
xxx geordie |
|
|
| Nice one, motherly wisdom shining through here, but not is a boastful or conceited way- very natural in fact. And also, I love the phrase 'jim-jams'! |
| 1 2 Next |
|
