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The Penny Dropped
James stumbled excitedly from his stroller, the cold metal disc warming in his sticky hand. Happily he trotted across to the white picket fence, gazing in wonderment at the Christmas scene.
Every year the local church presented a scene in the shopping mall. Every year they included a wishing well for donations. Every year dad bought the kids to see the display and make a wish. James didn’t remember last year, but now, he was aware, and excited. Stepping up he jammed his foot in the railing to get a better view. Stretching out his arm he unclasped his hand.
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I think there is too much usage of "every year"-my opinion. It could very well be a horror story if the child was on a second floor landing and was leaning over the rail to see Santa and raised his arms. EWW
That's the visual I got from reading this the first time.
Cute idea for the challenge. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-09 14:02
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Good one, Chris - J has covered the picky points I was going to make, and I do like her suggested rearrangement, but you should do what you feel works best.
Off to read the next part.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: hx - 2007-12-07 12:12
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Well okay then...I find I'm reading these out of order (I think), but that adds an even more interesting perspective to mine eyes.
In any case, the writing is flawless. Great stuff. |
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Hi Chris,
The image of the boy's hand unclasping is a nice wrap-up to the piece.
Some picky points: I'd capitalize the "D" in "Dad" since "Dad" is replacing a name. I'd also add commas after "arm" and "stepping up." Also, Dad would have brought (not bought) the kids.
Also, I was wondering if experimenting with the organization of this flash might be useful. For instance, you could rearrange it like this to coax the reader into the tale with some backstory:
Every year the local church presented a scene in the shopping mall. Every year they included a wishing well for donations. Every year dad bought the kids to see the display and make a wish. James didn’t remember last year, but now, he was aware, and excited.
James stumbled excitedly from his stroller, the cold metal disc warming in his sticky hand. Happily he trotted across to the white picket fence, gazing in wonderment at the Christmas scene.
Stepping up he jammed his foot in the railing to get a better view. Stretching out his arm he unclasped his hand.
Thanks for posting this story.
~J. |
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How lovely! A perfect picture.
I read 'James stumbled' and my mind saw someone a bit the worse for ware, but it got it together by 'stroller'! I'm sure that's just me.
Left me feeling good. |
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