a short novella. i'd love it if you'd take the time to read.

I am like a crystal. You look at first and see just a crystal. It’s pretty, but nothing special. But when you shine a light through it, millions of colors surge through it and escape its prism reflecting more radiance than the human eye could ever hold.
I stopped for a moment to stand and listen to the world go by. Sometimes I’d close my eyes and simply feel the feeling of being alive. I stood there looking at my surroundings, admiring every detail of every thing. I picked a leaf off of a tree and tore it in half, right down the vein that runs right down the middle of the leaf, and let go for the wind to catch and the sun to see. I continued walking. I loved days like this, days I could put on a comfortable skirt and take a walk to Sam’s house after school without getting too hot or too cold. Sam was my very best friend. We had been friends since the 7th grade and now half way through high school we’re still best friends. I walked slowly, but not too slowly. I liked to take in my surroundings, even though I had been there in my neighborhood thousands of times before. I turned the familiar corner and headed in the direction of Sam’s house.
I walked up to the door and let myself in. We saw no point in knocking anymore. I walked a few steps into his house and Sam greeted me with his big sparkling green eyes and warm smile. He ran his fingers through his thick dark brown hair and tousled it around making it messier than it already looked.
“Hey El.” He said casually as he hugged me into his room. El was my nickname, short for Arielle. No one called me El except for Sam. No one hugged me like Sam either. He had this special way of doing it, making you feel so warm and loved and comfortable. Sam was one of those people that didn’t take people for granted. He also loved simple things in life, like I did. We’d take walks together and go down to the city and take pictures of things. He was my absolute best friend and no one could ever change that. We got into his old little car and went to get some ice cream. He ordered chocolate and I got chocolate chip, like always. We sat at our usual booth.
“You know who talked to me today?” He asked.
“Not unless you tell me.” I said licking my ice cream into a perfect round shape on top of the cone.
“Amy Watts.” I started laughing. We both couldn’t stand Amy Watts. She was one of the preppy girls at our school that wore designer purses and had dyed hair and spoke ridiculously. They were always talking about how drunk they had gotten last weekend and who all hooked up with who and where they got their newest 500 dollar purses and all sorts of pointless things like that. Despite thinking they were annoying, Sam still thought they were all hot but I just thought they were fake.
“What could she have wanted to talk to you about?”
Sam laughed. “She asked me if I wanted to go get coffee with her.” He took a huge bite out of his ice cream cone and crunched noisily. Part of the cone stuck to the corner of his mouth. I took a napkin and wiped it off for him.
“Whatever,” I laughed. “You wish.” I joked with him. He told me he was serious and going to go with her on Friday.
“Friday?! You were gonna come over Friday while my parents were gone to watch my sister with me!” I protested. We never actually babysat when my parents were gone. My sister was 9 and she could look after herself. My parents just insisted that I stayed with her. So Sam would usually come over and we’d turn up our music really loud and over exaggerate air guitaring and sang off key. We could do those kinds of things without fear of embarrassment.
“It’s just this once. I’ll rent movies for you to watch to make it up to you.” He said sincerely. He always meant what he said and always stayed true to his word. I figured it was alright since it was just this once and agreed. Sam finished off his cone in one bite and grabbed his keys as he motioned to leave. I got up and followed him to his crappy little car. It really was a piece of crap but any other car just wouldn’t fit Sam. I got in.
Sam peeled out of the parking lot and headed home. I really didn’t like the idea of him going out with Amy. She might make him into one of those jock assholes. “Sam, you better not do stuff with Amy.” I said firmly.
“Like what?” he asked innocently with a devilish smirk on his face.
“Oh don’t even! You know exactly what I mean!” Sam’s devilish smirk didn’t change and he bounced his eyebrows at me.
I rolled my eyes at him and laughed. I turned up my music. I really loved Frank Sinatra and forced Sam to listen to it whenever I wanted to. I knew he secretly liked it but he always would act as if he couldn’t stand it. He’d make exaggerated groans and throw his head back like a little kid. I’d just turn it up louder and sing along purposely off key. Eventually, Sam would give in and sing along with me.
I loved Sam but people around me thought I was in love with him. See, there’s a difference. I strictly love Sam and that’s all there is to it. He is practically my brother, always looking out for me and loving me unconditionally. He was a lovable guy. You couldn’t help but be friends with him. He is so friendly and easy going and could get along with anyone. He was also very attractive. If we weren’t best friends and I didn’t strictly just love him, I’d probably have a crush on him, but I know better than that. He had messy dark brown hair that made him look as care-free as he really was and the most amazing green eyes. They had a billion shades of green in them and they seemed to change colors with whatever emotion he was feeling. When he was mad they turned dark green, when he was happy, light green. They sparkled every time light hit them. He was tall, 2 inches shy of 6 foot, and wasn’t too skinny or too fat. His build was perfect and strong, which made his hugs all the better. He never let hugs go to waste. Every time I’d see him or every time I’d leave he’d give me a huge hug as if it were the last time he’d see me. He also has this uncanny way of knowing what I’m feeling. Sometimes it’s creepy and other times, comforting. He was the perfect best friend. I couldn’t ask for anyone better.
Summer came so quickly it was almost scary. It was the summer before we were juniors in high school. It seemed so old, it scared me. Everyone around me was changing and I hated that. I took a lot of walks, mainly to clear my mind.
I set out on a walk around my beautiful neighborhood. It was one of those old ones that are almost in the downtown area, where the houses are big but not too big and all have a different personality. Today I wasn’t taking a walk to Sam’s house, but just walking to take a walk. I stopped and picked some flowers so I could be really cliché. I really liked how cliché I was sometimes. I had on a flowery skirt that came right on my knee that rolled with the wind and some black Mary Jane shoes. I braided my long wavy black hair to the side and stuck a flower in it. There I was, in my little girl attire picking flowers and taking an innocent walk through a beautiful neighborhood. I took a route I rarely took. I walked there for the sake of walking with my flowers and little girl clothes on. I was watching the ground pass under my feet, making sure I didn’t trip on the broken side walk. I stopped at an acorn tree and continued being stereotypical by picking some acorns and putting them in my pocket.
“Hey.” A voice called out to me. It startled me and I dropped some of the acorns. A boy was leaning against the tree next to the one I was picking acorns off of. Apparently I didn’t see him there before I started picking. I had never seen him before so I observed him. He had a rough yet laid-back look to him. His hair was sandy and unkempt. He also needed to shave. Despite his dirty look, he looked friendly.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” He said. By now he was picking up my acorns that I had dropped. I smiled and said it was okay. “You’re picking acorns?” he asked nicely. All of a sudden I felt stupid for picking them. They’re not like flowers that are pretty and fragrant, they’re just acorns. I blushed.
“Uh, yeah…I was just taking a walk and-”
“My sister picks acorns a lot.” He interrupted.
“Oh? How old is she?” I asked.
“8.” He said, emotionless.
“Guess I’m a little old for acorn picking.” I admitted. “I’m 17.”
“That’s cool. What’s your name?” He asked uninterested.
“Arielle.” I said confidently. I learned that the more confidence you have, the better chance you have of people liking you.
“I’m Matt. You live around here?”
“Yeah, in this neighborhood. How come I haven’t seen you around? I take walks around here a lot.”
“I don’t come outside often. I’m usually not home actually.” When he talked, he almost seemed bored with what was happening around him. It made my curiosity toward him grow.
“Where are you usually?” I smiled a little when I said this.
“Out.” He said simply. Then, out of nowhere he asked what I was doing that night. Of course, I wasn’t doing anything and he asked me to go to a party with him. I was hesitant at first because I had never really gone to a party but said okay anyway. Then I was on my way back to my house.
I immediately called Sam. I told him all about Matt and he told me all about how he thought he was bad news.
“You’re just mad because I know someone else in the neighborhood now.” I teased.
“No, I’m not mad, I’m just worried. He doesn’t sound like that good of a guy. He probably just wants in your pants.” Now, I knew Sam, and he was naturally a caring person. But I knew that he secretly didn’t want me to have a boyfriend or any physical contact with a guy at all for that matter. Sam and I were very strictly just friends, but in the beginning of the year he dented that rule a little.
He had this girlfriend in the last weeks of summer and a few weeks into 10th grade. Her name was Elena and she was very pretty. They dated for a month or two and Sam really liked her, and a lot. Elena was one of those girls who had been around the block a few times. Sam, being the nice forgiving guy that he was, looked past that and thought he loved her. Sam didn’t realize that Elena really wasn’t that into him. Once she had finally broken up with him, he was a mess. He called me and I came straight over. His eyes were red, from crying I assumed, and his face looked worn. It was actually pretty pathetic. He was getting more emotional than he normally would’ve and seemed distant. I really felt sorry for him so I hugged him for a long time and then he started to kiss me. And I mean really kiss me. Although it had been the first time it had ever happened, it was completely comfortable. I was a little surprised when he kept going after a couple of seconds but I figured that he was really desperate and I was just there so I let him kiss me for a very long time.
I wasn’t one to push people off unless they’re completely violating me so I let him keep going. It was just Sam, after all. He was attractive and I knew him, no big deal. I hated that I secretly liked it. But what I really didn’t like was when he undid his pants and gently put my hand in the right spot. It wasn’t what I expected but I just let it happen. And then that was that. Afterward he got really ashamed and I don’t blame him. If I were him I wouldn’t want my best friend even thinking about my regions. He started getting really guilty saying that he shouldn’t have made me do that but I lied and said it was okay and that I didn’t mind. He was blushing a lot but I pretended like I didn’t see it. When people blush, they don’t want you to know that they’re blushing or else it makes them blush even harder. He started getting really upset and pushed me away. I figured that this was something Sam needed to do on his own so I left.
I had never really left Sam crying before and I intend to never do it again. It really hurt. I vowed to never leave him like that again and that I’d always help him through things. After that little incident, Sam was a little more jealous of other guys and me. I guess it was because he really loved me and didn’t want to see me get hurt. But I secretly thought it was because he thought he couldn’t match up to whatever guy I’d choose. That was his fault. He shouldn’t have put my hand there.






2.
I looked through my cluttered closet for something decent to wear to that party Matt invited me to. I finally picked out some jean shorts and a shirt that I had made. Now I usually don’t wear shorts because, well, they’re really short. But I figured it was summer, and I was going to be around some new people so why not? I made a lot of my own shirts but that one was my favorite. It was weird, but so was I. I put my long hair sloppily up in a knot and when Matt’s car was outside my door, I told my parents I was going with Sam and was off.
Matt looked different from what he looked like earlier that day. He had on a cap and nicer clothes. They weren’t exactly nice, just jeans and a polo, but nicer than his lawn clothes that he had on earlier. He didn’t really talk to me the whole way there, besides telling me where we were going and asked if I partied much. I told him no. The rest of the time he kept his right hand on the radio knob as if he were about to change it but never did, and his left on the steering wheel. He had on the radio which was playing its usual crappy music that he seemed to really like. I didn’t have anything to say or do so I awkwardly looked out the window the whole time thinking of what tonight was going to be like.
We pulled up to a house with a lot of cars in front of it.
“Well here we are.” He said walking to his trunk. From there he pulled out a huge icy barrel. “Help me with this thing.” He said while struggling to lift it. I grabbed a side and we carried it up to the front door.
“What is this?” I asked innocently. Matt started to laugh.
“You really don’t party much do you?” He snickered. I shook my head. “It’s a keg. It’s filled with beer and then you attach a hose to it and people chug it and stuff. You’ll have to try it.” He said just as we were approaching the door. A few people getting out of their cars shouted hi to Matt. I wanted to go back home. This was not my kind of place and I didn’t know anyone. We got inside and put the keg in the living room. People started filling up their cups.
“Here. This oughta get you started.” Matt said as he shoved a plastic cup full of beer in my hand. It smelled awful but I had nothing else to do so I downed it. Nothing. I always knew I could drink without getting drunk. I always thought that if you had control of your mind, you could control it with alcohol too. So I had another cup, and had to admit, I wasn’t as tense as I was when I had gotten here. I sat down to a table of people playing cards and they invited me in. There was a blue bottle on the table that smelled like candy. I was really thirsty so I took a swig. It tasted really good so I poured myself a glass. Then I realized that I was having a pretty good time.
Matt came over to me and put his arm around me. He had a half empty cup in his hand. He pulled me up from the card game and introduced me to some of his friends. They were all drunk, including Matt. How stupid of them, I thought, that they can’t even act normal with a little bit of alcohol. I finished off my candy drink. Matt then left me with his friends. A guy named Fritz took me into the basement while he thoroughly hit on me. He looked much older than the rest of the people there.
“You’re lookin’ good tonight. How old are you?” he asked.
“17.” I was no longer the shy Arielle that came to the party.
“Not bad, not bad.” He said nodding his head. We walked into the basement and there were about 10 people down there smoking. Except they weren’t smoking cigarettes. “You smoke?” he asked as someone handed him a joint.
“I never have.” I said as he smoked it.
“Here. Just inhale as deep as you can.” He said as he handed me the joint. I didn’t want to at first, but figured nothing can hurt me now. I did what he said and immediately started coughing and choking. I told him I didn’t like it and gave it back. I told him I was cold and he handed me a shot glass and told me to drink it. He said it would make me feel better. I drank it in one gulp and watched people smoke. I liked how warm it made me feel so I asked Fritz for some more.
“You sure you can handle this much?” he asked before he handed me my third or fourth. I lost track.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I said as I drank that one. After a few minutes it felt as if I wasn’t there anymore. I asked Fritz if I still was or not. He elbowed a guy sitting next to him and laughed. I did too because I didn’t get it. I laid my head down in Fritz’s lap and the whole room flipped on its side. It was amazing, everyone was sideways now. I felt very light and free, as if nothing in the world mattered. I heard people walk down the stairs and I looked over at them. I saw a sideways Matt coming and he looked angry. He walked over to where Fritz and I were.
“What are you doing?” Matt asked brusquely.
“Getting her wasted.” He said laughing and pointing to me. Matt’s angry face turned into a smile.
“Let me have her.” He said as he picked me up like a baby. “Are you feeling okay?” He asked devilishly. I didn’t notice at the time.
“Perfect.” I said. He carried me out to his car and into his backseat.
“You know that you look very pretty tonight?” he said as sweetly as he could.
“Thank you.” Matt was very attractive at that moment I realized. Then it felt like I was dreaming but I knew I was still there. Matt got in the back with me and shut the car door. He started to move closer to me and I forgot about anything else in the world. I really don’t know how long he kissed me for, but after a while, he broke away and said he needed to take me home. Somehow we got back to my house safely and I crashed on my bed.

* * *
The next morning my phone was ringing. Of course it was Sam and I rolled my tired body over and answered my phone. My first party. I felt so inexperienced before but now I felt a lot older…and guiltily cooler. I wanted to tell Sam all about it.
“Sam. You have to come over right now I have a story to tell you!” I said excitedly. Any time something mildly interesting happened in either one of our lives, we had to tell each other immediately. It was sort of to touch base on what was going on in our lives. I hung up with Sam and walked into my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, observing my tired eyes and messy hair. I splashed cold water on my face and brushed my teeth very thoroughly. When I was finished I tapped my tooth brush twice against the sink and shut off the water as I heard Sam’s car pull up in the drive way. I hurried into my room to throw on something half way decent before Sam walked in. I ended up in some old shorts and a tank top. That was my uniform for lounging in the summer. I’d wear it at some point in every day without fail. Today I added some yellow striped tube socks because my feet were cold.
I eagerly greeted Sam at the door and shoved him into my room. I told him how I couldn’t wait to tell him what I did the previous night.
“Why don’t you hurry up and tell me?” he said, his eyes sparkling with curiosity. He tackled me onto my bed in the usual way and threatened to tickle me if I didn’t tell. I hated being tickled.
“I went to a party last night.” I told him. Sam’s smile disintegrated and his eyes got serious.
“Oh?” He released his hold on me.
“Yeah, with that guy Matt I told you about!” I giggled. He didn’t. “And…you’ll never believe what I did!” For some reason, every thing “bad” I did, I wanted Sam to know about. Not necessarily because I felt guilty, but because I wanted Sam to know every side of me. I wanted to remind him I wasn’t innocent little Arielle.
“What did you do?” he asked seriously. I all of a sudden felt bad for doing anything behind Sam’s back. But then I thought about it, and I didn’t have to tell Sam everything I was going to do before I was going to do it.
“You can’t get mad.” I informed him. I said this a lot to warn about the following information and to let them know that I wasn’t going to allow them to be mad at me. I hate it when people are mad at me. It makes me nervous and shaky. If I know someone close to me is upset with me, I will do everything it takes to get them to forgive me. It usually works.
“I can’t promise anything.” He said sternly. I hesitated and then told him of last night’s events. His face got very still and I could see in his eyes that he was disappointed. He of course tried to cover this up but he couldn’t fool me anymore. I know almost exactly what he was thinking and feeling just by looking at him.
“That was stupid.” He said flatly. I thought hard about it. It really was stupid.
“Yeah, but you can’t get mad at me for a first. First times are always forgiven!” I said as sweetly as I could and added a cute smile. Whenever I detected someone about to be angry with me, I pulled out my little sweet girl charm. It won almost everybody over.
“Yeah, I guess.” He said. His eyes had turned darker to match his mood. They were like those mood rings back from when we were younger, that we’d squeeze in our palms hoping they’d turn pink and tell us that we were in love. But they’d always just turn two colors, a teal green or bright blue and occasionally red for the lucky kids.
We sat there in a rare awkward silence. My eyes darted around the room looking for something to say. Sam beat me to it.
“Promise you’ll never do it again? It makes me worry about you.” He said sincerely as he stuck out his pinky for me to promise upon. I couldn’t make any promises like that. I couldn’t promise now for what I might do next weekend. But I knew I shouldn’t do any of that stuff anyway or have Sam worrying about me like that.
` “I promise.” I said and our pinkies sealed it. He hugged me tight.
“So what did you and Matt do besides kiss; anything?” he asked nosily. I laughed.
“That’s something that you don’t need to know.” I said, pointing my finger an inch from his face and we both smiled. I could see in his eyes that he wanted to know more but held back his questions anyway. My phone started to ring and Sam jumped on it and checked who it was.
“OoOo It’s Matt!” He said like a kindergartner making fun of a friend with a crush. He held my phone high above his head as I tried to reach it. Finally he gave in and let me answer my phone.
“Hey babe.” Matt said slyly. Gross. I decided I didn’t like him. At all. He was just sleazy and gross and nothing more.
“Hi.” I said simply.
“You have fun last night?”
“Yeah.” I tried to keep it simple so Sam wouldn’t know what Matt was saying on the line.
“Up for another night?” I knew couldn’t. I had just promised Sam.
“Yeah sure.” I said anyway.
“Cool. Pick you up at 9.” He said as he hung up without even saying bye. I put down my phone and acted as if he hadn’t called so steer Sam away from questions. It didn’t work.
“What did he say?” he asked curiously. Sam cared so much about other guys in my life.
“Making sure I was okay from last night.” I lied and Sam believed. Sam and I then went to our usual ice cream place to talk about life. I ordered my chocolate chip and Sam his chocolate and we sat down at our usual table.
“You know, you never told me about how that date with Amy went.” It was true. He never even mentioned it.
“Oh, yeah. Actually she wants to go out again tonight or something.” he said coolly. I wondered why he didn’t tell me sooner.
“Well how did the first date go?”
“Fine. We just talked and had coffee.” He said in between bites of devouring his cone.
“You better not let her change you.” I said austerely.
“No one’s gonna change me El, you have nothing to worry about. I, on the other hand have to worry about people like Matt turning you into a partier.” He said, half joking. Half joking in Sam’s and my world meant completely serious minus the tension.
“You have nothing to worry about. Plus, I didn’t even like it. I didn’t even feel like myself.” It didn’t make me feel like anybody at all. Just another body floating around, interacting with people. I really didn’t like it and couldn’t see why everyone else did so much. I finished off my cone in a single bite and we headed to his car.
I immediately went into the CD case to find what I was looking for. I pulled it out and put it in. Sam saw this and smiled with anticipation along with me. I put it on number 9 and waited until the music filled the car. The familiar heart beat-like drum beat at the beginning of the song led Sam and I to imitate it with our hands beating our chests. We broke out into song as the lyrics started. Sam had heard this song on VH1 in some special and immediately fell in love with it. Within an hour he had shown me. I thought it cheesy and lame at first but ended up falling in love with it too. Now it was our theme song. Sam even joked and told me he’d play it at my funeral. I joked back saying women live longer than men and I’d have to play it at his. And then he’d laugh and say that he was super man and couldn’t die. And then I’d call him stupid and we’d laugh.
We rolled down the windows and I felt the warm air blow my hair around, enjoying Sam’s company. After we had gotten done enjoying our song, Sam told me how perfectly the song fits us.
“Play it again?” He asked hopefully. I smiled, pushed a button and played “Promise Me” by Vince Neil over again.
He was right. It was perfect.
{Lyrics: My friend, you’ve been with me from the beginning of everything. The beginning of you, the beginning of me. You always save me when I’m breaking. If all we’ve got is time, forever’s not enough. And if this life is for the living, then I’m never giving up; and as the road divides and runs on with our lives, promise me, we’ll never say goodbye. The sound of us laughing keeps on going like an endless song. Your secrets are mine, trust me I’ll hide them. I’ll always break through to the real you. Generation them, generation us, what’s the difference now or then? The world is still messed up. If all we’ve got is time, forever’s not enough. And if this life is for the living, then I’m never giving up; and as the road divides and runs on with our lives, promise me, we’ll never say goodbye. We’ll never say goodbyer;ahsf03hfa it just repeats itself. }




3.

Matt came by at 9, just like he said he would. That seemed to be our almost daily ritual. Matt comes over at 9, takes me to some party, puts a few drinks in me and we mess around the rest of the night. It was fun, I think. I’m sure that it wouldn’t have been if we were all sober, but we weren’t. There was nothing to worry about and everyone was happy. Within a few weeks we started dating even though I really didn’t like Matt. I guess you could say I was using him to go out and have a good time but I didn’t feel bad. I figured he was using me just to get some action so I never said anything.
I hadn’t talked to Sam in a few days so I called him up. I let my curiosity get the best of me and asked about Amy. He never really told me much about her ever, except that they went out places. Usually Sam would tell me anything and everything but I figured, this was his personal life and I have no right to know about it. I decided that if he could have a personal life I could too. I didn’t reveal that I went out to parties with Matt often. I still didn’t feel quite right about it. The Arielle that existed a year ago would have steered completely clear of this scene but that seems to have changed. I thought it was pathetic that Matt and I had nothing to do except get drunk and mess around after but I accepted it rather than question. I found it was easier to go with things rather than question and upset yourself.
Matt picked me up for another party and I decided not to drink this time around. I walked in and smelt the familiar air of stale smoke and drunk people. Matt shoved a glass in my hand like every other time. I refused this time around.
“Why not Arielle?” the smell of alcohol hung in his breath. “You have every time before, what’s the big deal?”
“I just want to see how fun these are sober.” I answered honestly.
“That’s stupid.” He stumbled over his words. “Of course they aren’t fun if you’re sober that’s why we bring the keg.” He handed me a glass of that candy blue drink I liked the first time around. I declined and started walking away to try and find Fritz. Fritz and I had become good friends, since he was always at the parties I now went to. Matt grabbed my arm.
“Where are you going?”
“To find Fritz.”
“No you’re not you’re gonna come with me.” He declared in his drunken state. He picked me up off the ground and carried me to a room. I kept telling him to put me down but didn’t fight much. I knew I wouldn’t win against him, he was much stronger. We came into a room and he closed the door behind us. I got a bad feeling. He set me on the bed and sat down extremely close to me. I immediately scooted over to the edge of the bed. He followed, and I scooted over more, almost off of the bed. Matt turned my face towards his and looked at my eyes. I saw the large amount of deceit and lust Matt had in his and every time he blinked it shot out at me. Then he moved in to try and kiss me, the smell of alcohol overpowering, and I turned my head. As if that wasn’t a big enough hint to back off, he made several more attempts. After about three failed tries, he said, Come on, Arielle, but I just kept saying things like, No, Gross, and Stop.
He tried a few more times but I moved up to the foot of the bed. He came up behind me and reached for my jeans button.
“Um, what are doing?” I asked sternly while pushing his hands off.
“Aw come on Arielle.” He switched into his fake sweet talk mode. “You know you want it.” Matt didn’t know what I wanted. He was fumbling with the button on my jeans some more. I kept trying to push his hands off but they kept coming back like magnets.
“Matt, stop.” I realized why Matt had to get me drunk to even talk to me.
“I know you like it, you don’t have to pretend.” He said sweetly and smiled. Fake. He kept making more powerful attempts at me but I moved and avoided him. It got to the point where I was on the phone calling Sam to come get me. I finally realized how foul Matt was and I needed to get out. Sam’s voice was happy and calm, not what I had expected. I escaped somehow and talked to Fritz until Sam came to the house. I walked outside and saw Sam’s window cracked open at the top a little. I opened the door and a gust of smoky air blew out to me. Shocked, I studying Sam holding one of the familiar white sticks I saw at the parties I went to. I got into the car angrily.
“What is that?!” I asked although I knew the exact answer. Sam’s head slowly turned and looked at me. A careless smile curled upon his face.
“Want a hit? Rolled it this morning.” He said serenely. I had never seen Sam like this before. High.
“Sam you can’t drive if you’re high! I didn’t even know you smoked!” I was alarmed. Is this what Sam did when I was out with Matt? I somehow got Sam into the passenger seat and I got behind the wheel of his box on wheels and drove us home.
“Since when do you smoke, Sam?” I asked him inquisitively.
“I don’t know.” He said as he took another hit. “Like a week after you and Matt started dating.” His eyes looked at me when I spoke but his mind didn’t see me. He blew out a long gust of smoke. I couldn’t even talk to him seriously.
“Put that out!” I demanded. He simply told me no. I didn’t talk to Sam for most of the car ride but he kept babbling about whatever he was deciding to say. After a couple minutes of listening to Sam mindlessly talk about nothing, I asked him.
“Do you even know the reason why I asked you to come pick me up? My voice had a bit of a scornful ring to it, like a mother. Sam looked at me and shook his head. He pulled out an ashtray out of his glove compartment and finally put out the joint.
“Matt practically tried to rape me.” Sam’s eyes got wide and then he started cracking up. “It’s not funny!” I protested.
“I told you he sucked but you didn’t believe me!” He laughed harder. This angered me. How could he be laughing? I didn’t talk the rest of the way home. I pulled into Sam’s driveway.
“Sam, promise me you won’t ever get high again.” I said just as he was about to open his car door.
“Why?” he released the door handle. “It’s not a big deal; you go to those parties and get drunk all the time. Why can’t I do this?” he argued.
“Yours is worse, you know it is. And I decided not to drink anymore. Or even talk to Matt again. Please just stop, for me?” Sam stopped and thought for a while.
“Okay, I’ll stop.” He said it like he meant it and got out. I turned off his car and walked around to hug him. I started walking down the street.
“Hey El!” Sam called from his porch. I turned around. “Bye!” he said with a big smile on his face and waved. I waved sarcastically at him and began my dark walk home.

4.

I got up to answer the door. Sam never rings the doorbell, I thought. I checked through the peep hole and saw Matt standing there, waiting for me to answer. I sighed and opened the door.
“What.” I said flatly, without even opening the screen door. He said nothing and motioned me to come outside with his head. I reluctantly followed him onto a chair on my porch.
“What I really need from you,” he began. “Is all of you.” There was a serious look in his eye but I could never really take him seriously.
“Okay?” I said rudely. I honestly didn’t care what he had to say. He continued.
“And since you’re not willing to give me that…” he paused. I just looked at him, completely disinterested. “Then I don’t think we should see each other anymore.” He stared intently at my face, waiting for me to show some sign of caring. It never came. I had to suppress a smile.
“Okay. Well, bye!” I said, almost too cheerfully. He lingered for a second looking confused and got up. He turned around several times on his way out to his car. He probably kept turning around but I was back inside with the door shut already. Finally, I thought, I don’t have to keep pretending to be a partier. I was glad he was finally gone. I didn’t have to go out and be in that dreadful environment against my will. And I could spend more time with Sam, which I learned was necessary for both of us. I guess that’s why Sam started smoking, because I wasn’t around as much. I couldn’t blame him. Now that I was back, I figured he’d quit.
I went into my room and continued reading one of my many books. Someone knocked on my door and I yelled for them to come in. I held my place with my eyes as my mom came in and sat on my bed. I looked up, saw she was obviously going to stay a while and turned my book upside down on my lap. She created an awkward and still air when she came in. She had put her fake blonde hair into a pony tail and had on her work out clothes.
“Do you want to come work out with me?” she offered. Of course I didn’t. I never did. I didn’t want to become as fake as her with her fake blonde hair and fake never-ending stamina.
“Not really.” I said, avoiding eye contact. She looked disappointed.
“Okay.” She started to walk out. I flipped back over my book and continued where I left off. She stopped just before the door and turned back around.
“I wish you’d come with me to work out. You need the exercise.” She was right, but I didn’t like talking to my mother. She took the hint and rarely talked to me. She was the exact opposite of me. Very high maintenance, designer clothes, hair fixed perfectly by her weekly appointment, overly exercised, and fake amiability. I don’t know how I was related to her. I had anything but designer clothes. I bought most of it at weird stores in malls and occasionally thrift stores. My hair wasn’t fixed, only because it was pretty the way it was. It was so long it went halfway down my back, almost touching my bra-strap. It waved in the perfect spots, making it seem as though it took hours to achieve. It didn’t. I got out of the shower and let it air dry, it wasn’t my fault it looked the way it did. I can’t even remember what color my mom’s hair was before she dyed it blonde and cut it short, but I don’t think it was black. My dad was an artist, and how my parents even slightly fit together was a complete mystery to me. He had his own art room in our basement and would always be down there working on a new painting to sell. My mom hated that he never got a real job and took matters into her own hands. She brings in most of our income by planning other people’s weddings. If she were home enough, she’d rule the house. But since she’s not and since my dad is very laid back and very busy, there are few rules, if any.
My sister, I feared, was growing up to be just like my mom. She followed her lead by not talking to me ever and played with her makeup and high heels. I could already tell she was going to be a baby prostitute by the time she hit 8th grade. I was one and looking back, I hate them; wearing 2 inch long skirts with tank tops, walking around the mall hoping to attract older guys’ attention, or at least the attention of your crush. It never worked but we tried anyway. I eventually grew out of that by the end of 8th grade, thankfully. I saw my sister as being one of the baby guarls and steered clear of her.
“I don’t want to.” I said simply. She shrugged and walked out looking disappointed, shutting the door behind her. I started reading again. I had gotten the book yesterday and was already almost done. I went to the library a lot; there was one in walking distance from my house. I’d usually go during the day before another party and read before and after. I was currently reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I loved books like these that made me contemplate my life. It was almost the end of summer already. The last few days were always the worst, there was never anything to do and school supply shopping was always put off until the last minute. I read for the rest of the night, only stopping to get a snack.
Over the next few weeks, Sam and I were Sam and I again, I never saw or spoke to Matt, and I felt perfect again.

* * *

It was the last night until it was a school night and Sam and I wanted to do something special. We thought about it for a while, coming up with nothing.
“I know what we could do.” Sam said finally. “But you might not like it.”
“I’ll do anything. We have to do something tonight. What is it?”
Sam hesitated. “We could go get high.” He said in such a way it seemed as if he were asking. I had only smoked one other time, and that was the first time I met Matt. And it sucked and hurt and just ew.
“I thought you said you’d quit?” I asked cunningly.
“I hardly do it anymore, but I haven’t quit.” He admitted. I thought about it for a while. It was the last day of summer. Twice couldn’t hurt.
“Alright. Let’s do it.” I said. Sam’s eyes got big with surprise and excitement. A smile emerged.
“Are you sure?” he asked, making sure I wasn’t crazy or something. “You don’t have to, you know.” Sam was so sweet. I knew he really wanted to go do this with me but wanted to make sure I was completely okay with it. Sam. Always putting other people first. I nodded my head yes and smiled back with him. He immediately got on his phone and called a few people. Apparently the first few didn’t have what he was looking for and then he called Lily. After sitting there listening to her talk for a moment, he looked up at me and got excited. I guess she had some.
I met Lily last year through one of my classes. She did a lot of drugs but still seemed to have things under control. We talked at school and at lunch but weren’t out of school friends. I had no idea Sam and her talked more than a few words at school with me around, but I guess when you go pot head you get to know fellow pot heads in your area. She had short blonde and crazy hair currently (she changed it a lot) and purple unnatural eyes. She had a very small frame and looked as if she could be broken easily. Since she was skinny and short, about 5’4, she wore heels a lot. Actually, I think she would have worn heels a lot even if she was taller because it went with the way she dressed, modern punk or whatever she called it.
I was pretty sure she had a tiny crush on Sam. If we were talking in the halls and Sam came up to me, after he’d walk off she’d tell me how hot she thought he was. I just rolled my eyes and said, “Sam?” and started laughing. One time I asked her if she liked him. She got really tense and she looked just above my eyes and at my eyebrows with her fake purple eyes. She said, “No, of course not! Sam? I could never think of him that way! He’s like your brother!” She tried to play it off very casually but she was bad at it. Either that or I was good at picking up on lies. I hadn’t talked to Lily all summer so it might be a little awkward, but didn’t let Sam in on that.
Sam and I got into his car and he set off for Lily’s house. Surprisingly, she lived about 5 minutes from my house. We pulled into her driveway and Sam turned off the car. I thought he was just going to run in and get it but apparently I had to get out too. We walked up Lily’s front steps. I could see in Sam’s face he was very excited and I feigned excitement although I was mostly anxious. Sam rang her doorbell and we waited.
“Sam,” I said quietly, in case Lily answered the door. “I’ve never really smoked before. I tried it but I sucked and choked and died and so you have to teach me.” I said nervously. Sam smiled and let out a chuckle.
“Relax, you’ll be fine.” He winked as Lily opened the door. Her hair had changed and was a bright reddish color. She greeted us a little too enthusiastically and we made small talk as she led us into her room and shut the door. Sam sat on her bed and I followed his lead. I was very awkward being at someone’s house for the first time and never really knew what to do with myself.
“How much?” Sam asked while pulling out his wallet. Lily was sitting at her desk, rummaging through a drawer.
“It’s free if I can come too.” She said as she pulled out a baggie and a familiar pretty colored pipe I had seen so often with Matt. Sam looked at me, as if asking my permission through brain waves. I looked back at him, not knowing what emotion to have and he turned and told her okay. She stuffed the bag and pipe into her odd purse and slipped into some heels. “Let’s go.” She said and headed out the door. Sam followed her and I followed him.
Sam got in the drivers seat and I instinctively got in the back, as I always gave up the passenger seat for someone else. I sat in the middle of the backseat, so I wouldn’t be covered by Lily or Sam’s seat. I hated being covered and then consequently ignored from conversations. This way I could still be a part of it while still sitting in the back.
Sam started driving to a place I didn’t know about. I asked him where we were going but all he said was “You’ll see.”
Lily turned to me. “I didn’t know you smoked, Arielle!” she seemed excited that someone else she knew shared her habit. I told her I never really have, only trying it once and it didn’t really work out. She laughed at this and told me she’d teach me how to do it the right way. Finally we got to an empty abandoned field and got out of the car. We sat in a little circle close to the car. Lily took out a lighter and the bag and stuffed the pipe full.
“Okay Arielle, this stuff is stronger than normal so you only have to hit like 2 times.” She said knowingly. Sam and Lily acted as if they had done this together before. Sam put it up to his mouth and inhaled. It was awkward to see Sam doing that. It just didn’t look right. He passed it to Lily and she did the same. Then she handed it to me.
“Are you ready?” She asked. I wasn’t but said I was anyway. She told me as she handed it to me that I needed to suck in and then let go of the hole and suck in some more while she lit it for me. I didn’t have the biggest lung capacity and wondered how I would possibly do this. I did what she said. It burned my throat so I coughed out the irritation. I passed it to Sam because I figured I was supposed to. It went around again and this time I didn’t cough. After a few more times I noticed Sam’s eyes. They looked just like they did when Elena had broken up with him and I had come over; red. I began to think about how I should have realized he was high and not crying. The back of my head started to tingle a bit. I realized I was still looking at Sam’s eyes and that he had realized to. I started laughing, except I forgot to put the noise in it. Sam started laughing too and I turned my head to look at Lily. She was dumping out the ashes as she muttered “Cash.”
Then I felt detached from my body. I was fizzy and numb and I loved it. I kept realizing that I had a permanent smile on my face. Then I started to hear silence. And it was really loud. I asked Sam if he heard silence too.
“El,” Sam said to me, laughing. “You’re so baked!” I guess he was right. I was so slow and the world was too. I looked over at Lily looking at me and giggling to herself. I looked at the field. Everything was so much prettier and sharper and clearer. I looked at Sam for a long time. He was really close up. I reached out and touched his face to make sure it was really that close. It wasn’t. I scratched my arm to see if I could feel it and I almost did. And then I felt no pain in my life.
I made my head go in circles for dramatic effect and landed in Sam’s lap. His jeans were really soft.
“You’re high.” I thought to myself. “This is what high is. You can still think for yourself. Everything just looks pretty. This isn’t a big deal.” I stared off into space for a minute or two. “Wait. Am I dreaming? This feels like one of my dreams. No, because I remember this whole day up until right now. No I’m awake. But I’m having an awake dream. Cool! An awake dream. I can’t wait to tell Sam! I wonder if I can have these all the time.” I closed my eyes and opened them again, deciding I wasn’t dreaming after all. When I opened them, I saw Sam. He was looking down on me laying in his lap. He started laughing.
“El, you’re talking to yourself.” Had I said all that out loud? No, I could have sworn I was thinking it. I was. No, I was dreaming. Oh, I don’t know. I forgot.
“Sam I’m dreaming but I’m awake!” I said, reaching my arm up to make sure his face was really that close. It wasn’t again. My face started to tingle and so did my legs. I felt my heart going faster. I felt like 2 pounds. I rolled off his lap and into the grass. Everything moved so slowly. I kept on rolling, as fast as I could, but it still was so slow. I stopped rolling and lied there on my back looking at the stars. They were moving around in the sky, I think. I stared at them. The whole world was spinning, I had just realized. I called out for Sam and Lily to come here but they didn’t hear me. I turned my head and my eyes slowly rolled over to where they were sitting. They were making out. I started laughing.
“I told you you liked him!” I yelled to Lily. I rolled over to by they were. I really liked this rolling so fast but slow business. I didn’t care that they were kissing, as long as I could roll. It was funny. I knocked on Lily’s head. “Hey did you hear me?” I asked. They broke away. Lily glared at me with her purple red eyes. I changed my focus to Sam. “Aren’t you going out with Amy?” I laughed. He told me they broke up ages ago. I lost interest. Lily’s eyes were just as red as Sam’s. I stared into them. They were a magnificent color. Who would have ever thought of purple eyes? Eyes were so weird shaped. My words floated across my eyes. I thought I was seeing everything I was thinking. I could see inside my brain and saw my thoughts. I focused back to Lily and she was still glaring at me.
“I don’t.” She lied at me. She would have lied to me, but I wasn’t there all the way. I looked up at Sam. I realized how attractive he was. How come I never saw it like this before? He was amazing! Lily’s words went right past me and then I forgot she was really there. I saw her but I didn’t think she was actually there in real life. I looked back at Sam. He started looking at some grass. Then I did too. It was really amazing, grass was. There was so much of it. Then I remembered how hot Sam had gotten just then and I poked him and started laughing. He turned around and looked at me and started laughing too. I hugged him and fell on the ground and he rolled on me. It looked like his face was overlapping mine because it was so close. I reached out to see how close he was with my nose, since my hands were stuck under my body and I couldn’t figure out how to get them out. After leaning up a few inches I hit his nose with my nose and he laughed. I guess he wasn’t really that close. And then he kissed me exactly like he had before. And I heard Lily start existing again.
And then I closed my eyes but could still see what was happening. And then I started to dream again except by now I realized that when I thought I was dreaming, I was completely conscious. And I saw footsteps come near us even though my eyes were closed. Lily pushed Sam off of me and started getting sloppy thirds. I started laughing at that thought. Sloppy thirds. Why did they call it that? Wasn’t it sloppy seconds? If she was getting sloppy thirds then who got the seconds or firsts? Oh yeah, and I started laughing again. I rolled around in the grass some more while sloppy thirds went on. And then I realized I wanted to kiss Sam again so I rolled to find where he was. I rolled but I couldn’t find him so I gave up and stopped rolling.
I decided that I wanted to try to stand up so I did. I didn’t weigh anything. I started floating across the grass looking for Sam. I kicked through the air with my weightless leg. I jumped 10 feet high and then I tripped and fell into the grass. I think Sam saw me because I saw him and Lily come over to where I was with my mind. I think they thought I had gotten hurt but I felt amazing. I opened my eyes and they were laughing at me. I started laughing too. Other people laughing is really funny. Lily shook her hair out of her face. I told her to do it again because it looked so absolutely incredible. She did and then I did and so did Sam. And we all were shaking our heads. I thought I could see my brain move around in my head and I stopped because it looked like it would hurt.
We played some more in the field for however many more hours it was and got back into the car. Sam claimed to be the least high among the 3 of us so he drove us home. I watched things slowly pass us by at 70 miles an hour. My eyes were really tired, they told me, so I closed them and saw everything I heard. Then I really was dreaming.
Sam woke me up after he had dropped Lily off, helped me into bed, and drove home.
5.

It was the first day of junior year. I’d rather stay in bed. Sam picked me up and we carpooled to school, just like we had every day since he got his license. Sam always drove, never I. He said he didn’t trust my driving skills. I didn’t either. I walked down the hallway to my new locker, saying hi to the people I talked to last year. No one noticed me, really. I knew the people in my classes and whoever else talked to me randomly and that was it. The bell rung and I slumped into a back chair in my first hour. I didn’t have any classes with Sam this year, which was odd. Usually we’d have at least one. At least we still had the same lunch.
All the days blended together just like school makes them do and before I knew it a month had passed. I woke up to my phone ringing as I so often did.
“Hey. I can’t take you to school today, sorry.” Sam said. I had hardly said okay and he hung up. I did my usual routine and finished by tapping the toothbrush on the sink twice. I got into my car that I rarely drove and started on my lonely way to school. I parked and started walking to the school. I parked at the very back of the parking lot so I wouldn’t have to wait in line to get out. I passed by hundreds of cars and then I saw Sam’s. The window was cracked so I figured he was still in the car. His windows were tinted so I couldn’t tell. I got up to his window and banged on it, to startle him. Oh, I startled him alright. It startled him so much that he spilled the bowl all over his pants. He jerked to see who was at the window, eyes wide with fear of getting caught. He realized it was just me and sighed relief. He started to salvage the weed that had dropped on his lap. I got mad. I walked around to the other side and knocked on the window, signaling for him to unlock the doors. I got in.
“You scared me!” He sort of smiled, trying to minimize the amount of guilt I’d lay on him. I frowned at him.
“’s that why you couldn’t take me to school this morning?” I asked ominously, motioning toward his pipe with my head.
“Yeah I knew you wouldn’t want to be around it.” he said simply. But this wasn’t simple.
“Why did you assume that? We did it right before school started.” He shrugged.
“I don’t know. I only had enough for one person anyway.” I shot him a mean look.
“But before school? That’s stupid.” I said flatly, mocking how he had told me my parties were stupid earlier in the summer. It was early. I was more in an ‘I’m pissed off at you.’ mood instead of my usual ‘I’m disappointed in you’ kind. He had nothing to say to that. He breathed in and let it all out in a single puff of air. I stared off at a car in my view for a moment.
“Bye.” I said abruptly as I pulled the door handle and stormed out of the car. I was starting to think Sam was getting a little too into this. He had told me he would quit more than once, but so far nothing. Occasionally is alright, I guess, but now he was starting to worry me. When he ignores me for drugs, it’s out of hand. And rude. I hate driving.
I sat in all my classes steaming mad at Sam. At lunch, instead of sitting with me he went to go sit with a group of people I’d rarely seen around. Lame. I went and sat with Annie. I had never really seen her around before this year but I had a class with her this year. She had light brown hair and brown-green eyes and wasn’t that pretty. I think it was mostly her hair that made her so unattractive. It was choppy, thick, straight as a board, and the color wasn’t even pretty. She had very light freckles on her nose but she covered them up with make up. She could be pretty if she tried, but she honestly didn’t know what she was doing. She tried too hard. She was nice though.
I sat down in a huff across from Annie. She looked up from her sandwich and furrowed her eyebrows.
“What’s wrong?” she asked nicely.
“Sam.” I said as I took a huge bite of my baked potato. She had known me long enough to know how close Sam and I were.
“What happened? Are you guys in a fight?” Annie also loved to gossip. I decided not to tell her much so it wouldn’t stretch into me being pregnant and Sam being a transsexual or something.
“It’s nothing, he just said something.” I lied. Annie’s eyes got all big. They did that every time she was about to hear something really gossipy.
“What did he say?” she asked excited and curious.
“Never mind.” I said. “Did you do your history?” I asked, changing subject. She caught on but didn’t bother press me for an answer. She said she hadn’t. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sam start to get up and leave with those strange new people. I felt the urge to talk to him. I started to stand up, ready to leave.
“I’ve,” I paused a moment to eyeball all of Sam’s bizarre new friends. “gotta go…” my voice trailed off. I started to pick up my tray and leave the table.
“Where’re you going?” Annie started getting up with me.
“Nowhere, just, I have to talk to Sam real fast. Stay here.” I said a little too rudely. She sat back down and started gossiping with her friends as I fast walked over to where Sam was. When I got a little closer I slowed down. I didn’t want it to look like I wanted him to see him that badly, especially in front of those new mysterious people. A lot of them were guys. I caught up a bit and called out Sam’s name. He turned around and kind of frowned at me. He stopped and waited until I caught up with him. Some of the people from the mysterious new friend group stopped and waited for Sam while a few others kept walking.
“Hey.” I said as if I had just met Sam. I didn’t know what else to say. It was a default greeting. He kept frowning at me but had a tricky smile on at the same time.
“Hey…” he said suspiciously. I had nothing else to say so I started improvising.
“Who are your friends? You’ve never mentioned them before.” I said cheerfully, although I was being glared at by Sam and his lackeys. They made me feel very small. Sam looked back at one of his new friends and jeered at me. He turned back to me. He still had that suspicious smile plastered on his face.
“Uh, this is Paul.” He pointed to a big tall greasy guy. He had a touch of facial hair on his chin. His black hair was either wet from gel or sweat, I couldn’t tell. His shirt simply said ‘Suck it.’ “This is Z.” he pointed to a skinny guy who looked a lot like Fritz. He seemed goofy and his clothes were out of date by about 30 years.
“What’s...” I started.
“You don’t ask what the Z stands for.” Sam interrupted. I accepted this. Then he pointed to a small girl next to Paul and introduced her as Gig, pronounced “Jeej” I guess it was short for Gigi or something. She had obviously dyed black hair that was cut short and covered her eyes. She had on crazy orange makeup and her fishnet tights were intimidating. They all had a stale smoky air attached to them. Not surprising. I politely waved hi to all of them and introduced myself.
I stole a secret glance at the rest of their group that was walking off. My eye caught an interesting glance of a taller boy. A very attractive taller boy. He looked the nicest out of that group, not including Sam of course, and had brown curly hair. Not to mention a big smile and a nose to match. He was laughing with a girl that was pretty normal looking, compared to the rest. He turned for a second and caught my glance. I quickly looked back to Sam and the awkward silence.
“Well,” I said, still keeping the fact that I was awkward, confused, and felt like a complete loser a secret. “I just wanted to know if you could give me a ride to school tomorrow.” I tried to act completely normal. It would’ve worked if Sam’s friends weren’t such a bunch of pricks. Sam looked back at Paul. Paul’s expression didn’t change.
“I can’t, sorry.” He said quickly. His eyes dropped and stared just below my eyes. You can’t fool me, Sam, I thought. I know you’re not looking in my eyes. And when you’re not looking me in the eyes, I know you’re either lying or something’s up. It pissed me off. I gave him a half glare, half smile and didn’t even say anything. I just turned around and stomped off, with my back straight and my head held high to let Sam know he can’t crush me that easily.
I had nowhere else to go so I just went back to my locker and got my books together while I thought; about Sam, of course. Had we not been friends since 7th grade? Had we not had a tradition of carpooling to school and sitting with each other at lunch? Had he not promised me he would quit smoking?! I angrily opened my locker and shoveled books into my bag. How could he throw away our friendship for a bunch of stiff dead beats? I guess all Sam cared about now were his freak show friends that probably didn’t even like him. Who could like him? He was fake and ditched the people he cared about most. Assuming he even did care about me. No, I guess all those years he was just using me because he was a loser who didn’t have any other friends. Now that he got some “friends” he can just dump old El to the side of the road, leave her for someone else to clean up. I sighed harshly. And I wasted my time hanging out with this good for nothing sorry excuse of a person? I slammed my locker shut. Pathetic. I stormed off to class.
I stopped on the way home from school to get a smoothie. I rarely treated myself to smoothies but thought I definitely deserved one after what Sam the two faced ass hole did to me. While I was waiting for my order, Sam called. I flipped open my phone viciously.
“What.” I said curtly.
“El?” he asked as if he were unsure if it were me or not. Who else would it be? That queer.
“Who else would it be, queer? I snapped.
“Oh hey.” His voice all happy, disregarding my rudeness, as if he hadn’t completely blown me off and made me feel like an idiot today in front his friends and Curly McHot. I didn’t answer. “About today,” he started. Good, he’s going to apologize, I thought. Just like he should.
“Mmhmm?” I expected an “I’m sorry, El, I was a jerk. Forgive me?” Maybe he’d add an “Oh El, how could I have done such a thing to you? I vow to never leave your side again!
“I met those guys last week, they’re pretty cool.” He said instead. “They want me to hang out and stuff with them now. So I can’t like hang out as much.” He seemed as if he was almost asking permission from me. I said nothing. “You’re cool with that, right? I mean we’re allowed to have different friends.” He half-joked and laughed nervously. My blood was hot and I’m sure my face must have looked like I was about to explode. I steadied my voice or else it would have made a scene in the smoothie place.
“Yeah, sure. Fine.” I answered half heartedly. Usually Sam would’ve picked up the fake tone in my voice, but I had given him the answer he wanted to hear and he wouldn’t push it further.
“Thanks El. I have to go meet them in a little bit. I’ll talk to you later.” He said as if nothing had happened. I said nothing and just as I hung up, heard Sam say “wait” but I had already closed the phone. I picked up my smoothie and walked out to my car, jamming the keys in the ignition and almost crushing the steering wheel. I got home and needed to clear my mind so I of course took myself on a walk. I walked out the front door and the wind practically blew me over. I whipped out a sweater and started walking anyway.
I walked until I came to the familiar four-way. One way led to Sam’s, the other to Matt’s. The third, our ice cream shop. The fourth route…well, was thoroughly unexplored. Up until now I’ve never had a reason to travel down that way. Today was that day.
It was just a little chilly outside, even though it wasn’t quite fall yet. I crossed my arms and walked strong against the wind. Leaves scatted along the sidewalk. I stepped on them making a satisfying crunch noise under my feet. This new route didn’t look any different from the rest, a road, houses …nothing out of the ordinary. And then I came across a big mass of trees. They looked very peculiar standing there in a big neighborhood like this. I did the obvious thing and went to explore.
There happened to be a little path way that led into this clump of trees so I took it. I had to look at my feet while walking or else I would have tripped on old tree branches and rocks and cracks in the old ground. This semi took my mind off of this new Jerk Sam. The place had a bit of a forest feel to it. Peaceful and quiet and beautiful.
And then I saw a river. It wasn’t much but it was definitely a river. I went to sit by the bank and take in my surroundings. I started thinking about my life in a few years.
I’m 26ish and I’m married. Of course my husband is amazing and hot and everything. I have the perfect job, doing what I don’t know. All I know is that it’s perfect. And we’re not rich and not poor, just right. He comes in from work and kisses me on the cheek and smiles at me. I’m probably painting or something. Yeah, that’ll be my job. An artist, just like my dad. And then the phone rings, my husband answers it. “Hello” he says cheerfully. You can hear babbling from the other line. And then a frown comes on his face. “Yeah, here she is.” He hands the phone to me. I say hello and it’s Sam. And he tells me he needs bail money because he’s in jail for drug possession. I start crying because we stopped talking junior year after he left me for a bunch of his dumb friends. My husband comes over to me and comforts me. I hang up and tell my husband I’m off to bail my old best friend out of jail. And he gets a worried look on his face and insists that he comes too. I tell him that it’s something I need to do alone. So I get to the jail place and see Sam there, unshaven and pathetic. And he starts to say some things to me but I can’t listen anymore because now I hear some kids in this forest area that I’m in.
I quickly stood up and brushed my skirt off. I hate when people discover my secret areas. The voices seemed to be laughing. I thought, Maybe I can meet some new friends to replace Sam with. I started walking toward the noise and saw a group of people a little ways away. I walked a little closer, still hidden by the vast amount of trees when I saw a big and tall greasy guy.
“Paul.” I said, almost out loud. I snuck up a little closer to catch a glimpse of all their faces, hiding so they wouldn’t see me and recognize me as the stupid girl who thought she was best friends with Sam but horribly mistook the present for the past. Gig, mysterious nice curly haired boy, Z…they all were there. Plus the few others that walked off when Sam stopped for me. And it was a very pathetic sight. I looked for Sam but couldn’t find him right away. I saw one of them pop a pill in their mouth as if it were candy and joined in the festivities. I kept looking for Sam in the privacy of behind my tree and finally spotted him. I stuck my head out from behind the tree to get a better look and Sam saw me. We stood there for a second, caught in each others glance. His eyes looked sad until he pulled close that normal looking girl I saw talking to “Curly McHot”, who was sitting on a stump watching, and kissed her without ever looking back at me. She giggled. I shot them a look of repugnance although no one saw it but me, and silently stormed off thoroughly disgusted.


6.

School was now hell. After school was now hell. My life in general without Sam was now hell. Lunch came up again, as it did every day, and nothing had changed. I spotted Sam with the familiar people surrounding him. Some days, I’d try to make an attempt to talk to him, others I simply tried to make eye contact. All of which took place while Annie babbled on about who did what where and when. I sat every day isolating myself from Annie and her kind, though still being very near. On very rare occasions, Sam would catch a glance of me and smile, but every time he’d look sad.
One day at lunch, while I was mindlessly sitting there eating, something Annie said caught my attention.
“Who?” I asked. She turned and pointed to a table. The same table Sam was at.
“You see that guy over there?” She pointed to a boy sitting next to Sam. I remembered seeing him at the forest orgy a couple weeks ago. His hair was like straw and was thick and rough at the edges. His eyes were dead and careless. He had on shorts with a shirt that I later read to say “Diamonds. She’ll pretty much have to.” Funny. I nodded.
“What about him?” I asked as the guy leaned back in his chair and said something to a girl at the table behind him. She giggled and he smiled and leaned his chair back up smugly.
“Monica told me that she was talking to Alyssa and she told her that he tried to rape Sarah last weekend.” She said. Those long trains of who told what to who always made me laugh.
“Who’s Sarah?” I asked. She looked around for a second. Then she pointed to a small girl with brown hair who looked scared.
“Her.” she said. “So now every time she walks by him she starts crying. She said knowingly. Right on cue, Sarah walked by him and started getting upset.
“Wow. What’s his name?”
“Eddie.” She looked over at him again and then realized Sam was sitting next to him, something I had noticed right away. “Hey, isn’t that Sam with him?” I took a bite out of my hamburger to stall for a second.
“Yeah. It is.” I said after I finished chewing. I took another bite. Eating was the perfect way to avoid talking.
“Do you guys even talk anymore? I thought y’all were like best friends.” I hated when people said y’all. I hated even more when people ask about Sam.
“We were.”


Now that Sam actually had things to do after school, I now had nothing. I came straight home and down into the basement. My dad was usually there working on his art. I walked down the concrete steps and over to pottery wheel. I was making a bowl. I wasn’t quite sure of its purpose other than to keep me entertained in the absence of Sam. It was going well, except for the rim which I couldn’t get completely even. My dad stopped his painting and came over to me. He was wiping his paint stained hands with a towel. He threw it onto the chair next to me and I looked up. His blue eyes almost looked grey due to his never ending work and age. He still managed to wear a smile.
“Hey you.” I said hi back. “Haven’t seen Sam around lately. What’s he been up to?” he said as he sat down on a nearby stool. I stopped my bowl. I waited until it stopped spinning completely before I looked up.
“He’s been busy with school and stuff.” I lied. He nodded his head as if to understand. He looked down at my bowl.
“Mind if I do something?” he asked, motioning to sit down in the chair I was in. I nodded yes and got up and he sat down. He turned on the spinner again and his hands morphed my uneven edges into a perfectly even rim. He looked at it a second and looked up at me. “What do you think?” I smiled. I hadn’t smiled a real smile in such a long time.
“Thanks.” I said and sat back in my chair. My dad washed his hands and continued back on his painting.
I wasn’t much like either one of my parents. We had small similarities but nothing noticeable. My dad loved art and it’s been rubbing off on me ever since I was little, but that was about all we shared. His eyes captured the beauty in the world and his hands recreated it. I was much more fond of my dad than my mom, hands down. My mom was the complete opposite of anyone in the family. She was always doing this and that with her job, always out exercising, perfecting details, and fixing her hair. We rarely talked but when we did, she just nagged. I was very quiet around my family. My mom said I was strange and needed to be more social and gain new friends other than Sam. My dad just winked and smiled and called me his odd duck. He’d always tell me, “Don’t listen to your mother. She doesn’t know what real beauty is.” Then he’d tell me that it was okay to be quiet. I was very much like my aunt in that way. We kept to ourselves and were very reserved. We didn’t speak unless we had something to say or were spoken to.
I decided I was done with my newly perfected bowl for the day and walked heavily up the stairs.


My only choice was to talk to Annie for the next weeks. Sure she was nice, but got old really fast. In the time it would take to go to Homeland to get some bread, Annie would get old. Sam was so busy with those new friends of his having and mini Woodstocks in forests to notice my absence in his life. He smiled at me in the halls and I faked them back. The sad look never left. We hadn’t hung out in what seemed months. At random times he would try and cross over to the other side (the other side being me) and make contact, but his smiles and “Hi’s” weren’t good enough. I shut him out. During one lunch, where I now had to permanently sit with Annie and her gossiping friends, Annie asked me if I wanted to go to a party. I thought about the past and Matt. And then I said okay, just to spite Sam.
On my way out to my car, which I sadly was now becoming very used to driving, I saw Sam walking out to his alone. He looked like the same old Sam whenever he was alone. Whenever he was with those friends of his, he was a completely changed person. He hid the Sam that shone through his eyes and took out a devil Sam to fit its place. I looked straight ahead to not make eye contact with him. I didn’t want it to look like I was that desperate to talk to him. In reality, I was. I walked steadily, my gaze fixed on my car and I heard his footsteps coming toward me. I walked faster.
“Hey El wait up!” I heard him yell. I rolled my eyes to myself and turned around to face him coming toward me. I stood there waiting for him to approach me. I noticed he had on a jacket. He finally reached me and put his arm around my shoulders just like he used to. I didn’t say a word.
“Hey!” He said to me again and smiled. He obviously had nothing else to say to me. I looked at him and tried to send him hate messages with my eyes but I guess they didn’t get through. We started walking to my car.
“Hi.” I didn’t smile. No one said anything for 2 or 3 seconds.
“Are you okay?” he asked. Yes Sam, I’m perfectly fine. I absolutely love how you ditched me for a bunch of stoned losers! Oh my, do I love hanging out with Annie all the livelong day! She doesn’t get old at all, never!
“Yeah, fine.” I said instead. He looked at me and searched for the truth on my face. He found it. I didn’t try to hide it.
“You’re not.” He said. “What’s wrong?” I hesitated but then worked up my courage and said it.
“You are.” I said sharply. His eyes frowned into an I’m sorry kind of way. He stopped walking which forced me to stop as well. He quartered himself so that he still had his arm around me but was also facing me. He looked into my eyes but I looked in between his eyebrows.
“It’s Paul and them, isn’t it? He said. Of course it was. What else would it be, honestly Sam? I didn’t say anything. My eyes dropped to the floor. He squeezed my shoulders. “El?” I looked back up at him. All I saw in his eyes was fakeness. I had never seen it up close before and it was hideous. It made me mad.
“Of course it is!” I almost yelled at him. His arm fell from my shoulders. “How could it not be? All you do now is ditch me to go get high and be gross with that one chick.” There. I said it. Sam just kind of looked at me in disbelief that I was so honest. Dejection reflected through his eyes. And then he started getting angry at me for being so blunt.
“Can I not have other friends?” He said harshly.
“Sure, go ahead, have all the friends you want. I don’t care, I won’t get mad. But when you start completely blowing me off for them then yes, I’m going to start to care, Sam, because you can’t let 3 years of friendship go down the drain for a bunch of people you’ve just met and are leading you down the wrong path and making you into an inconsiderate bastard who cares about no one but himself and his drugs and his disgusting little slut girlfriend.” My chest was tight with the anger he finally forced me to let out. My eyebrows were permanently frowned. It felt good to let it out at him like that. He stared at me.
“She’s not my girlfriend.” He threw back at me. Out of everything I’ve blamed him for (and rightfully blamed him for, I might add) he corrects me on the most minute detail of someone not being his girlfriend? Did he honestly not care about anything I had just said?! My mood went from angry to infuriated. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Whatever. I don’t care anymore.” I started off viciously to my car and a couple feet off turned back around and yelled at him. “Go waste your life on your “friends” that don’t even care about you, those friends who use you for a free ride and drug money. Take all that hard work you’ve put into school all these years and throw them away for your pot or your cocaine and whatever else you do now days. Go ahead and throw me aside to ruin your life. And when you mess up real bad, see if those “friends” are still there for you.” I paused. “See if you can find me, Sam. Just see if you can find your one true friend who you’ve ignored for so long and then need so desperately. See if she sticks around after you blew her off for too long.” I turned around and brusquely walked to my car. I was so enraged my heart was beating faster than it normally would be able to. My muscles were tense and my mind was racing. I ripped the door open and plummeted into my seat. I started the car and saw Sam in the rear view mirror, standing exactly where I had left him. His face was unemotional. I peeled out of the parking lot and started my way home.
I was furious and let it show through my speeding. I could hardly see the road through the fresh tears welling up in my eyes. I blinked and they fell down my face. I turned up my music to drown out the sound of me crying and crying. I don’t think I had ever gotten mad at Sam like that. Then again, I don’t think Sam has ever treated me like this either. I got inside and immediately went to my room. My mom and sister of course didn’t notice I had been upset lately but my all-knowing dad did. I noticed a beautiful vase full of daffodils on my nightstand with a note attached.
I noticed you were feeling down so I got you these. If you need to talk, you know where to find me…stay happy!
Love you!
Dad
I smiled and dried my tears a little. I was going to go down to the basement and tell him thank you but I was emotionally worn out. I fell on my bed and thought. I thought until I fell asleep. I slept until my phone rang.
“Arielle did you forget about the party tonight?” I heard Annie’s frantic voice say on the other line. I looked at my clock and it was 6.
“Yeah.” I said yawning.
“Are you sleeping?!”
“I was.”
“Well are you still gonna go?” she asked.
“I guess.”
“Okay, I’m coming over in a second so we can get ready.” And she hung up. Get ready? I was planning on throwing on some jeans and a shirt and leaving; a 5 minute routine. After finishing off my 5 minute routine, I heard the doorbell ring and sighed before I went and answered it to Annie. She looked me up and down.
“Is that what you’re wearing?” she said rudely. I didn’t see a problem with my jeans and tank top. Simplicity.
“Yeah.” I said. She sighed and walked me to my room lugging a big bag behind her. She pulled a huge box and clothes out of it. I sat on my bed and watched her open the box revealing 50 pounds of unnecessary makeup and unfolded the tiny skirts and shirts on my floor.
“Alright,” she began. “I’ll do your makeup.” And she pulled out a brush, rubbed it in some colorful powder and began painting away. She stood back and held out a mirror for me when she was done. I stared back at the stranger I saw in the mirror with dark eyes and pink lips. It wasn’t bad, just a little too hussy for my taste. Then she threw me a skirt and shirt and told me to change. She thrust me into my closet and I put on the skirt. Annie was shorter than me by an inch or two so her already short pink skirt was even shorter on me. The shirt was a skanky little white tube top she forced me to squeeze into. I came out of the closet.
“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” I said looking down at my ridiculous outfit.
“Ooh!” Annie squealed. “It looks good on you! Now let’s do your hair really fast and we can go. Annie had on an equally ridiculous short skirt and a not so ridiculous shirt. Apparently she wasn’t kidding.
“If I bend over everyone can see everything!” I protested.
“Then don’t bend over.” She said, taking my hair out of its pony tail. I knew what I was in for. I did have party experience from Matt, after all. Some guy is probably going to see my short skirt and get an insta-boner, he’s already going to be drunk so that translates to “hey man, check her out.” Leading to the actual check out-age, therefore leading into full fledged rape-age. And then I stopped thinking so dramatically. Annie had taken out her hair straightner and started forcing my hair to be straight. After about 10 hours of dressing up like whore Barbies, Annie announced that we were finally ready. We got into her car and it occurred to me that I didn’t know where we were going.
“Who’s party is this?” I asked.
“This guy’s, you probably don’t know him. He’s really nice though.” I didn’t want to question further. “I wonder how many guys we’re gonna pick up tonight!” Annie said excitedly. I wasn’t planning on getting picking up any.
“Well looking like this, if we got out of the car right now and stood for about 5 minutes I’m sure we’d get some paying customers.” I joked. She turned and glared at me. We pulled up to a house, the type I had so often seen before with cars lined up and people shuffling in. Annie got out excitedly and practically dragged me up to the door. We walked in and a few people said hi to us. Annie went directly to the alcohol. Just as I was about to decide not to drink anything, I thought of Sam. He needed some getting back at. I said I wouldn’t drink anymore and I stopped. But he said he wouldn’t smoke anymore and is still going. That obviously gives me good reason to continue drinking. I followed Annie. She shoved a familiar blue candy drink in my hand and I drank it willingly. Along with a few other things people put in my hands. Within a couple of minutes I was in that familiar state where nothing mattered, everything was fun, and I couldn’t feel feelings…except the happy ones of course.
I felt arms around my waist and a face darting at my neck. I giggled out of impulse and turned to see who it was. Matt.
“Well look who it is. I knew you’d be back.” He said grossly as he turned me around to face me. I smiled and in that instant I forgot about all Matt had ever done. He seemed to be nice now, maybe worth my time…at least for this one night. He kissed me like he used to over the summer and stumbled with me into a room. I looked at Matt and forgot why it ended. I started getting mad at myself because I remembered it was something I had done, but couldn’t remember what I did.
“I shouldn’t have done that thing.” I told Matt through my clouded mind.
Matt put on that familiar falsely sweet voice. “You’re all right babe, we’re here now it’s good.” Normally this would have grossed me out and made me hate him more, but tonight it made me want him even more. Apparently he could tell I was more drunk than I ever had been in the past with him and decided to take full advantage. After some heavy necking for a while, he started undoing his pants. I helped him out. We struggled with it for a second but finally got it undone and he pulled down his pants. He kissed me one last time and sent me on my way down under.
It was something I had ever done before and afterward felt gross and degraded but I didn’t think about it too much. And while I was at it, I remembered why Matt broke up with me in the first place and it was because of this…or, well, the lack of anything like it. Then that was that and I went into the bathroom to gargle some water. I went off to find Annie. I found her with some guy but I pulled her aside anyway. She blinked her eyes a few times and threw her hair out of her face.
“What?” she asked. I started laughing and I couldn’t stop.
“I just,” I began but started laughing too hard to finish.
“You just what?” she cracked a smile.
“Matt!” I laughed. Laughing lessened the blow of my actions.
“Who’s that?” she said as she slowly started to join in on the laughing. I couldn’t even respond to her I was laughing so hard. A guy with a black leather jacket, a white shirt, and jeans walked by. He looked straight out of the 50s, hair and all. I stopped laughing and stopped him.
“Hey, you look like the guy from West Side Story!” I said to him ditzily. He looked puzzled.
“Thanks?”
“I’m Arielle, who’re you?” I asked annoyingly.
“Wade.” A guy shouted across the room asking if he wanted a beer. Wade told the guy that he didn’t drink. My heart was warmed at that.
“I respect that! I really like how you just turned him down.” I said to him sincerely and drunk. “Like, I’m not even kidding. I respect you so much because of that.” I said completely honestly. I really did respect him for not drinking. I may not have told him in the best way though. Wade’s face looked aggravated.
“Okay, well you can just go drink some more now.” He said rudely. I stared at him. “Go on.” He said, motioning toward the guy who offered him some. I’m sure I would’ve been a lot more angry had I been in my normal state, but right now nothing mattered and I made my way over there.
A loud knock was at the door.
“Police, open up.” A voice boomed and my tiny drunk heart froze and things began to matter again. We scurried into the room I was just in. Matt was still there but I had just gotten replaced by a similarly dressed blonde girl. I ignored it and ran in the bathroom with Annie.
“Annie we need to get out of here!” I almost yelled in her face. The people that owned the house were arguing about whether they should open the door to them or not.
“My car is out there I can just drive us back to my house.” But even in my state I knew of all things that that was stupid.
“No! We have to call someone. Is there anyone you know that can pick us up?” I asked frantically. Annie bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling. She shook her head no. I got out my phone and called the first person that came to mind.
“Hello?” An unfamiliar voice answered.
“Sam?” I asked frenzied.
“No, he’s” I heard noise in the background. “…busy. Who’s this?” the strange voice said at me.
“It’s Arielle and I need Sam’s help right now, so go get him!”
“What’s wrong, Arielle?” He knew I was drunk but played along anyway. This was definitely not a game!
“I need someone to come pick me and my friend up.” I told him, trying to sound as serious as I could. It didn’t work.
“Where are you and your friend at?” the nice voice asked. Annie told me the address and I conveyed it to this nice voice. “Tell you what. You girls sound like you’re in trouble and Sam…well Sam can’t come so how about I pick you up?” Relief. We were gonna be saved!
“Okay! Come right...now!” I said and hung up the phone. And then I thought for a second and called him back.
“Yes?” the familiarly nice voice said to me.
“What’s your name?” I asked. He laughed.
“I’m Charlie. I’ll be there in 5 minutes. Look for an old white jeep.” Annie and I sat in the bathroom while we heard the continual loud thuds on the door. I guess they decided to wait as long as possible before opening the door. We slipped out through the back door and waited for an old white jeep. Getting busted was no longer our problem. The air outside was chilly and tense. We got out of the backyard and found our way to a street. It was absolutely freezing outside but we had more important things to worry about. My phone rang and I answered it before it had time to ring a second time.
“I’m here, where are you guys?” Charlie asked
“We’re the next block over walking.” I told him. He laughed.
“Okay.” And he hung up. The police scare obviously didn’t sober Annie up a bit and was stumbling all over the place. I wasn’t of much help to her either, even though she had much more to drink than I. We walked through the blue night until we saw headlights come our way and slow to a stop beside us. An old white jeep. I helped Annie in the back and climbed in the car, trying to keep my skirt as long as possible without succeeding. I looked up at Charlie who was watching me do this with a big warm smile. He had dark brown curly hair and quite a strong nose. I studied him for a second and realized who he was. Mr. Curly McHot himself. And all of a sudden I was glad I wasn’t completely sober. Otherwise I’d have probably sat there silent. As soon as I realized who he was, I smiled.
“Thank you soooo much!” I said as I immediately returned to my drunken state on purpose.
“No problem. You a friend of Sam’s? You look familiar.” I noticed the way he was driving, slightly leaned back with his hand resting on the middle of the wheel were the horn is. It was cute.
“Yeah. Well, I was his best friend but now he probably hates me.” I wouldn’t have normally told him this, seeing that it was Sam’s friend and all, but it didn’t seem to be a problem at the time.
“He does? Did you do something?” He said without taking his eyes off the road but his facial expressions still holding interest in what I was saying. I couldn’t remember the answer to that question. I twisted my face to try and remember but came to nothing.
“I forgot.” I said at last. He laughed. He took his eyes off the road and looked at me and glanced in the rear view mirror at Annie.
“How much have you girls had to drink?” he asked caringly. I looked back at her after he did. She was sleeping. Or passed out. Either way she was shut up and it was fine with me.
“I don’t know.” I said honestly.
“Is she okay?” he said motioning toward Annie with his head.
“She’ll be fine.” I guessed. Silence.
“So where am I taking you two?” He asked. I liked this guy, he was so nice and seemed like he actually cared.
“To my house.” I guessed.
“And where do you live, Miss Arielle?” he smiled. I giggled and told him my address. And luckily he knew where it was. I got even braver about talking.
“So what do you and those people do with Sam?” I pried.
“What do you mean?” he asked innocently.
“I mean what do you all do when you hang out?” I said sweetly. He smiled guiltily.
“Just hang out. Why?” he kept up his innocence. I ignored the question.
“Why couldn’t Sam come tonight?” I pressed. Charlie, still with his eyes on the road and hand sleeping on the steering wheel, paused. I urged him on with my eyes. I could tell he was about to lie but the truth escaped at the last second.
“Sam’s tripping out right now. He didn’t want me to tell you that when he called but I figured since you’re his best friend…or, was his best friend…” his voice trailed off. And then I remembered why Sam and I weren’t talking.
“Oh. On what?” My good mood dropped. Charlie picked up on this.
“You know, you really shouldn’t get mad at him for it, he’s having a good time.” He reminded me. I sighed.
“I know, it’s just that a long time ago he promised he’s quit doing that kind of stuff. And then he stopped talking to me because he was hanging out with you guys so much. We were best friends ‘til you guys showed up.” I confessed.
“I’m sorry.” Charlie said thoughtfully. “If it makes you feel any better I don’t do anything. I just go to kind of baby sit them, watch them act like idiots. It can be entertaining sometimes.” My heart smiled and so did I.
“I like that.” I told him. He chuckled.
“Do you?”
“Yes. But I have a question.”
“Hmm?”
“Why do you even hang out with them if all you do is look after them?” Why would anyone want to do that anyhow? Charlie shrugged.
“I don’t know. To keep them out of trouble I guess. Make sure they don’t hurt themselves.” I took in these words with my ears and my heart soaked them up. What a quality person.
“You’re a good friend.” I told him. I looked back at Annie, who was now lying down across the seats. He nodded his head, I guess his way of taking the compliment.
“Do you want me to take you over there?” he said after a while.
“Over where?” I asked. He laughed again.
“To where we all were hanging out. Where Sam is.” he said. I didn’t say anything for a second or two. He turned to look at me for a second, waiting for a response. I thought about it.
“Okay.” I said at last.
Charlie turned around.
I slowly had gotten back to my almost usual mental self and prepared myself to be with Sam in person for the first time in a very long time. What would I say, do, think, act? What was he going to be like? I looked at Annie who was still out. She was unimportant. Charlie slowed the car in front of a house and parked. My heart starting running and I wanted to too.
“Well, here we are.” Charlie said taking his keys out and opening his door. I got out too and watched him open the backseat door for Annie. He tapped her lightly on the shoulder but she didn’t respond. By then I had circled around the car and was standing behind him. I laughed at how stupid she looked. Charlie looked back and smiled at me. Then he reached into the back and picked up Annie like a baby and carried her inside with us. He went into a bedroom and laid her on a bed. How nice of him, he doesn’t even know her, I thought. Then he turned around to me.
“Ready to see him?” he asked with a smile and raised eyebrows. I wasn’t.
“Yeah.” And I followed him out, wavering with each step. He stopped, looked back at me and laughed.
“Gonna be okay?” he smiled and stood facing me until I swayed closer to him. I felt kind of stupid but honestly couldn’t walk straight. I smiled, embarrassed. He put his arm around my shoulders and led me to the stairs, a very hard thing to accomplish when you’re drunk. I looked up at them with wide eyes.
“No way. There is no way that’s going to work.” I said. He laughed, something he did quite a lot, and swept me off my feet.
“You hardly weigh a thing!” he said and lifted me up and down as if I were a set of weights. I giggled, he was too cute. He carried me up the stairs. I heard some muffled laughs down the hall where Charlie was carrying me to. Instead of enjoying this being-picked-up moment by Curly McHot himself, I was worrying about how Sam was going to be on the other side of that door. And then Charlie opened the door and I saw the whole crew there, lying down around the room, eyes as big as plates staring, not even blinking. Charlie carried me over to the bed where Sam was. I urged him with my facial expressions not to, but then he plunked me on the bed beside him. Sam’s already huge eyes grew bigger yet and looked at me with a content look on his face.
“El, look!” he said, pointing up at the ceiling fan. He looked up again and awed with amazement. I looked over to Charlie who had his hands in his pockets and was amusedly looking at Sam and me. I looked back at Sam who was still being entertained by the fan. I started to get up but Sam grabbed my wrist.
“No! Don’t leave you have to look at this!” he said still staring upward. I let out a slight laugh, because in all honesty it was funny. Sam, that is, not the fan. I looked at the other people staring at various other things, amused by their simplicities. I saw Fritz propped up against the wall, examining his hands. Paul was drawing things and then laughing. Gig was staring off into space. The normal looking girl was asleep, I think. Eddy was there too, with his arm around the same girl he talked to at lunch that one time, both “reading” a book. There was another girl whom I had seen with them before with short red hair and thoroughly pierced ears. She was in front of the blinds, staring at them and touching them every once in a while. They all looked content and happy. At the same time it was a sad sight. They all looked like they were in a mental facility and had the mentality of 4 year olds.
I looked up at Charlie.
“This is it? You were sitting here watching them do nothing?” I asked. How boring.
“Yeah, I” he looked as if he were about to make a good justification. “Yeah.” He smiled sheepishly and scratched the back of his neck. We shared a laugh.
“This is boring. I mean, I guess it wouldn’t be if I was seeing what they were, but,”
“Yeah.” He interrupted. Silence between us. “Wanna go grab a bite to eat?” he offered, his eyes hopeful. I wanted to, I really did.
“I want to, I really do, but I have to get Annie home and it’s getting a little late.” I said honestly. His eyes got disappointed.
“Alright, let’s get her and go then.” He said half cheerfully. He carried me back down the stairs again, a very sweet thing to do, and took me into where he laid Annie.
“I think she needs me to carry her more than you.” He said looking at her and we laughed as he set me down. We got into the car and we got to my house. My parents were definitely sleeping and wouldn’t wake up to anything. They never did. I told Charlie this and he carried Annie inside to my bedroom which, thank goodness, had been cleaned yesterday. He set her on my bed and we stood there a minute with nothing to say.
“Well, guess I better head back to look after them.” Charlie said. I said alright and walked with him out to the door.
“Thank you for tonight, you really saved us.” I said as sincere as I could. He smiled.
“It was nothing. If you ever need me again just call me.” He reached into his wallet and pulled out a business card. David Goldberg and Son Jewelry Repairs.
“What is this?” I laughed.
“My dad runs a jewelry repair type thing and I help out.” I laughed in the least rude way possible. “Yeah it’s kind of dumb but he pays me so I guess it’s all right. This one’s me. He pointed to a phone number near the bottom. Whenever you need me.” He smiled and I copied him.
“Thanks” I said, holding the card at the bottom with both my hands.
“No problem.” He said, and walked out the door.
“Wait!” I shuffled over to him. “Do you still want to grab a bite tomorrow or something?” I asked. I couldn’t let that opportunity go to waste. His face lit up.
“Yeah, sure! I’ll call you tomorrow. What’s your number?” I pulled out a pen from my purse, which I still was wearing, wrote it on his hand and smiled. He looked into my eyes and said bye. His eyes sparkled when I said bye back and he walked to his car. I stood in the doorway until he got in his car. The engine started and he looked up at me one last time, catching my gaze. I waved cutely and he waved back as his car disappeared into the night.

7.

I woke up the next morning, sat up and my body was angry with me. I looked up at the time. 10:42. Too early. I looked up on my bed where Annie was half hanging off of it. I smacked her arm that was hanging a foot away from my face. It swung lifelessly and returned to its normal position. Then Annie made a sleepy noise and rolled over to the other side of my bed.
“Get up.” I said to her. She groaned and pulled the blanket over her head. “You need to go get your car. Get up.” I ordered. Annie lied there for a second and slowly sat up. Hair a mess, she turned to look at the clock and then at me.
“It’s too early.” she dragged her words out.
“Well it’s Saturday and you have to go home before my mom gets home.” I lied.
“Why?”
“Because she’s weird, I don’t know. Let’s go.” I urged her. Truth was, I wanted her out so I would have time to get ready for lunch with Charlie. I just used my mom as an excuse for everything. She sighed and got out of my bed. I grabbed my cell phone just in case Charlie would call. I had put his number in it as soon as he left my house last night. We got into my car and started driving to where Annie left her car the previous night.
“Do you remember anything at all from last night?” I asked her.
“Nope.” She said without emotion.
“Well I called for Sam to come get us and then”
“And then that one guy came to pick us up, yeah I remember now.” She interrupted.
“Yeah, and then you passed out in the back of his car and then we decided to go-”
“Yeah, yeah I remember.” She interrupted again. “And then we went to your house and colored.” She insisted.
“No,” I started laughing but realized I didn’t feel like explaining. “Yeah.” I corrected myself. “But guess what.”
“What?
“I saw Matt there.” I said.
“Who’s Matt?” she asked. I guess I had never told her about him so I told her everything and she called him a jerk. I agreed and suddenly felt horrible about what I had done last night. I didn’t tell her anything past him saying hi to me. I also was about to tell her about how Charlie asked me out to lunch, but didn’t want everyone in school plus the people in Zimbabwe to know about it so I kept it quiet. We got to her car and she got in and drove home. I zipped back to my house as fast as I could and my dad was making breakfast.
“Where’d you go?” he asked, flipping a pancake.
“Take Annie home.” I said. He nodded his head. “That Annie…strange girl.” He laughed. I agreed. “I’m making pancakes, want some? Chef’s specialty!” he asked sweetly. I did, but I didn’t want to spoil my lunch appetite. But I just couldn’t resist those famous pancakes. They were the only thing my dad could cook, but they were so good they made up for his poor culinary skills.
“Yeah sure.” I said. He scooped up two pancakes with his spatula and put them on a plate and handed it to me.
“Enjoy!” I sat down at the table next to my little sister, watching MTV. I hated that channel.
“What are you watching?” I asked, trying to be civil.
“Real world.” She said, without looking away from the TV, shoveling her pancakes in her mouth blindly.
“Aren’t you a little young to be watching that?” I asked, trying to be nice and critical at the same time. She was too young but she was one of those little girls trying to act 6 years older than their real age. It was quite aggravating. I’m sure she’d be getting more action than me by age 13. And then I remembered Matt. Gross.
“No, I’m practically a teenager now and this is what teenagers watch.” She announced. I rolled my eyes and ate my pancakes to the sound of pointless people yelling at each other for futile things. I heard my phone ringing in my room. Charlie! I leapt up and ran to answer it.
My dad smiled and laughed. “That your boyfriend?” he teased. My sister chimed in too. I rolled my eyes at both of them and continued running to my room and answered the phone just in time. My heart was racing from both running and anticipation of Charlie calling.
“Hey bring me back my clothes Monday.” Annie told me. I let all my breath out sharply. Disappointing.
“Okay.” I said dully.
“K thanks!” she said, and hung up. Ugh. She shouldn’t call me like that, especially when I’m waiting for someone important to call! It was now almost 12. He should be calling soon, shouldn’t he? Did he say he’d call or am I supposed to call? I couldn’t remember and I got worried. What if he doesn’t call? What if he’s expecting me to call? I got in the shower so I could get ready quicker in case he did happen to call. I washed my hair with a new shampoo that was supposed to make your hair super soft and even shaved my legs past my knees. I got out of the shower and walked back to my room, leaving a watery trail behind me. I glanced at my phone. 1 missed call. I ripped open my phone to see who it was. Charlie! Oh, I shouldn’t have taken a shower just then! I considered calling him back just then but decided to get ready first. I didn’t want to make it seem like I was obsessed or anything.
I was glad to be able to wear my own clothes that were the exact opposite of Annie’s. I picked out one of my newer skirts that was tan and had faded blue and red cherry looking shapes on it. I had bought it a year or two before but never wore it because I didn’t like the length or how it puffed out like a triangle. I finally got around to hemming it the way I wanted and it now rested at a reasonable length in the middle of my thigh. I got a blue sleeveless shirt that matched and put on some random shoes. I looked at myself in the mirror and my cheeks were black from all the unnecessary make up that had washed off and run down my face in the shower. I went back in the bathroom, wiped them clean and put on my usual very scarce makeup.
I picked up my phone and nervously called Charlie back. He answered.
“Hello?” he said cutely and curiously, even though I’m sure he knew it was me through caller ID. It was cute anyway.
“Hey, did you call?” I didn’t know what else to say.
“Yeah,” I could hear the smile in his voice. “Did you still want to go get lunch?” he asked. Of course I did!
“Yeah, sure!” I said a little too enthusiastically.
“Great!” he said with an equal amount. “Where do you wanna go? Your pick.” I hated when people left it up to me to decide. I didn’t know any good eating places, besides my usual favorites, where no one else liked.
“Uh…I’m no good at picking places to eat.” I said honestly. He chuckled.
“Alright, I know a nice place. Pick you up at 2:30?”
“Sounds good. See you then!” I couldn’t help the happiness my voice held.
“Alright, bye!” Neither could he. I had to let my excitement out so I jumped around my room a few times and then I felt stupid so I stopped. But I really needed to get the energy out so I jumped around squealing like a little girl some more. Finally, someone decent to take my mind off of Sam! My phone rang. I wondered who it could be.
“Hello?” I genuinely curiously answered without checking the number. Not the falsely curious “hello?” everyone answers the phone with, even though they already know who it is.
“Hey, what are you doing?” Sam asked. What did he want?
“Getting ready to go out.” I showed off. I loved showing off like that. That way it makes me look like I have a life while Sam wastes his away.
“Where are you going?” he interrogated.
“Lunch.” Was all I said. I wanted him to wonder.
“With who?” he got curious.
“I have to go get ready now.” I answered. If he could blow me off whenever he wanted to then he’s got the same thing coming.
“Wait!” He said. But I said Bye over him and hung up. The nerve of him, expecting me to talk to him after everything. He had his chances to talk to me but he blew them all. That was his fault, not mine. A few minutes later my doorbell rang. I sprang up and ran to the door and yelled to my dad I was going out to lunch. I opened the door and Charlie stood there wearing jeans and an olive green long sleeved shirt. He looked good. We smiled at each other and he took me out to his car.
“So where are you taking me?” I asked coyly as I got in the car.
He looked over at me and then stuck the keys in the ignition. “You’ll see. I think you’ll like it.” I hoped I would. We drove for a little bit, talking and laughing with each other comfortably. I noticed we were going into downtown, one of my favorite places to be. I loved its lively atmosphere, people coming and going, each holding complete life stories of their own, stories I would never know. Charlie took a turn that led us astray from the familiar part of downtown. This new place was neither gloomy nor happy but at a happy medium. Charlie clumsily attempted parallel parking several times, smiling sheepishly after he stopped at “close enough” and we got out.
The sky was grey and cloudy and I had just realized that I should’ve brought a nice cardigan or jacket to warm my shoulders. I folded my arms as if that would help my situation. Charlie looked over at me cross armed and slightly chilled and, telling me to hold on, walked the few steps back to his car and took out a brown crumpled jacket. He walked back over to me smiling.
“Here.” He said sweetly, draping the jacket over my shoulders. It was an odd jacket. Suede, almost leather-like