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Justice and God
Happiness… of which I’m bereft-
Despite the fact I did my best.
Life is not what I was lead to believe.
I guess, as a kid, everyone lied to me.
The best we can do is the best of the worst.
In a world where you lose if you finish first.
Angry at the system- No. I‘m angry as a whole.
But I’m not rich enough to afford to be an asshole.
Every love I fell in dropped out from beneath me.
I was given a taste, a tease, and then left to be…
Put in a cage of social norms to hold back truth.
People conform to nonsense and subscribe to abuse.
Charged with being politically incorrect and offensive.
The scapegoat is slaughtered by the relentless.
Just a slave in this world where money is my master.
Word of revolution drowned out by corporate laughter.
In their smoke and mirror existence, I am unhinged.
I’m so hot and bothered, my soul has been singed.
Where is Justice!? Sipping martinis on the BIG business tab.
The last hope we had jumped ship with all the gold it could grab.
It all grinds against my soul; this isn‘t how it has to be!
I’m screaming at God wondering where the fuck is she…
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| I agree with Nikki, you don't hold back and I too appreciate it, and yes it is another poem of how bad the world is but that doesn't make it a cliche. Now we know how bad your world is, that's the whole point. Well done. |
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| You don't hold back with your poetry and I really appreciate that. |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-07-02 05:25
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| This seems to me to be a bit of a brain spew. The anger is apparent and a little too forceful and wild. It just makes me thing "ugh not another rant about how shit the world is". I hope you see what I mean because this isn't up to your usual standard at all. You could make this into a much better poem by making it less ranty and more controlled. |
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Hi Vin, Mostly a rhythmic poem with good rhymes and word choices.
Consider dropping your first 2 strophes. You don't really fall into the strong beat until S3 anyway. It reads well, aloud so be careful with changing the meter if you edit.
Ostensive is a pure adjective and from what I can find, the noun is ostensible. So, to echo Mick your use makes me stumble and hang up, which ruins the flow through the poem as you build the emotion. Defensive would work really well in your verse and still be in context with the rest of the poem.
Thanks. |
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-06-25 00:50
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| ‘ostensive’... I don't understand this word at a glance and think that a word change could set the pace for this piece... I found I stumbled on that word and it interrupted the flow... Consider ‘defensive’... Just a suggestion. :) unless you intended it that way. P |
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