Her head lay against the cold window pane, eyes moving from tree to tree as they passed. She bit her lip as she thought about what she was headed on to. She wasn’t ready for this move, she had never been ready for any of those preceding this one either. What if nobody liked her? What if she was the outcast like so many times before? She had just gotten used to her last high-school, why did they have to move again?
There were so many things she never understood about her own life. There always seemed to be running from something involved, and she never was told exactly what that thing was. She had learned not to ask why in her family, if she happened to ask there was always the bruises to answer her. The marks she sustained from asking why always said the same thing: Stop asking or you’ll get more. Normally not asking suited her just fine but there were the odd times where she couldn’t help it.
“Madison?” a mock concern, she knew that tone, her mother used it often.
“Yes, mother?” she responded, deciding that it was a better idea to answer this time.
“Are you alright?” the smirk, she saw it, again. Her mother really didn’t care if she was alright the question permitted her the chance to make her point: those bruises were Madison’s fault.
“Yes, mother.”
“You realize it is better not to ask, now, right?”
“Yes, mother.”
“Good, aren’t we glad your father made his point.”
He’s not my father! she said this to herself, it was a bad idea to say it aloud.
“I said--”
“Yes, mother.” she was to pay for her passive face and her hesitation.
“Yes, mother, what?” her mother said angrily
“Yes, mother, I’m glad father made his point.” she breathed as her mother turned around, it had been sufficient.
She looked down at her hands which were scratched and bruised just as every other inch of her body. He had been worse than normal last night. Blows to the face preceded the horror she always had to deal with when she asked questions. She paid dearly for her questioning last night. It had lasted longer than normal. Why her mother permitted her husband to use her daughters body that way, she had no idea. There was something wrong with the way her mother just sat and watched. There was just no way it was normal.
What do I do to deserve them? Always the same question, if only someone would answer it. Sleep, she told herself. Just sleep.
An hour later she awoke to someone shaking her shoulders. She opened her eyes, reluctantly, finding the hard, scruffy face of her mothers husband.
“Awake at last.” He cooed.
She looked around her, apparently they had reached the hotel they would stay in before finding their new home. She had been carried in, and her mother was nowhere to be seen, like it made a difference.
“What do you say we have a little fun?” Her heart skipped a beat.
“Please, no.” She pleaded, “Not again.”
“You know you like it you little whore.” His voice turned harsh, the way she knew it best.
“NO!” She screamed, his hand finding her belt.
“SHUT UP!” and before she could make another move something hard hit her around the head, she was out cold.
* * *

Who knew? Who cared? No one. She had never said a word to anyone about anything that happened in her house, but now she was desperately wishing she had, maybe if anyone had known back home then she wouldn’t be where she was; on the floor of the shower, again, watching her blood flow from hundreds of new scars littering her forearms. They wouldn’t help for long, that much she knew by now, but it was sweet relief for the time being. The sting of the water on an open wound felt like what she thought was heaven.
Not that I’ll ever know the difference. She thought sadly.
“Simon.” Her mother had returned. “Where’s Madison?”
“Bathroom,” He grunted, “I think she’s trying to kill herself.”
“What?” she sounded genuinely concerned.
“I’m only sayin’ she’s been in there for over an hour.”
Footsteps preceded the opening slam of the bathroom door that was her mother.
“Madison?” her voice shook slightly.
“Mother?”
“Oh, Good.” her voice was back to her normal harshness as she added “Get out of that shower before they make up pay for the water too!”
“Yes, Mother.”
She got out of the shower slowly making sure that the bathroom door was closed so that her mother would see any of the scars littered on so much of her body. She knew he had seen them before, there was no way he hadn’t. He had alluded to her attempt at suicide more than once but for some reason this had been the first time she had ever heard her mothers fear about the matter.
“Mother?” she took a deep breath.
“Yes, Maddi?”
I have to do this! she thought, slipping her hand in her pocket cutting open her finger, as she did so, on the blade that lay there, unthreateningly.
“Mother, we need to talk.” Simon rose inches from the chair he was smoking in.
“It’s alright Simon.” Her mother said without a glance at her husband, her tone was soft, dangerously understanding.
They walked out of the room into the harsh winds that told her they hadn’t left the state yet. The silence was disturbing Madison as they stood right outside the door.
“What is it Madison?” the fear was back in her voice, and it had spread to her eyes. Contrary to making her feel better, however, this only made Madison hate her mother more than she already did. Was she feeling remorse to what she had let her daughter deal with? Was she expecting her daughter to forgive her that easily?
“You cant honestly stand there and ask me that, can you mother? You honestly think that what you let happen today and all those other days isn’t going to screw me up?” She hadn’t raised her voice, but her mother obviously heard the anger behind her daughters voice because she looked like she was going to be sick.
“Madison, you have to understand-”
“Understand WHAT, mother?” she refused to let her mother make an excuse, “Understand WHAT?”
She had screamed the last word and the moment she did the door to the hotel room had opened, Simon’s eyes were venomous but that wasn’t going to stop her. Perhaps her mother saw this because the moment he stepped out of the room she had sent him right back.
“Madison, listen to me!” It wasn’t a demand but she wasn’t about to hear her mother out, this was her chance to finally get out what she had been withholding for so long.
“No, mother I won’t!”
She didn’t ask again.
“Do you understand what you have put me through? Do you understand how wrong this is, mother?” disgust was etched into every inch of her face as she waited for her mother to answer her.
“What do you expect me to say Madison? Do you expect some kind of apology? Because even if I did that, it would never satisfy you!”
“You’ve got to be kidding me! You don’t give a damn do you mother? I thought maybe, just maybe you felt remorse when we first came out here. But no, you don’t even have the decency to feel that do you?”
“I thought m-maybe you were going to say something relating to what your father said about you killing yourself!”
“My father?” her voice was low and ominous. “Don’t call him my father! He will never be my father, and don’t kid yourself that I ever considered him a father!”
“But-”
“I had one father, one, and he’s dead, he’s dead!” she started to cry, her tears catching with the howling wind and being blown off her face before they hit her cheeks. “Do you get it mother? I don’t care about that bastard! He will never have my respect! And for damn good reason too!”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t fucking kid yourself, mother!” her hand gripped the blade in her pocket tighter, cutting her palm. “You sit there and watch it! You let him do it mother!”
“I don’t have any choice, Madison!” and even though she whispered it, Madison had heard it.
“You damn well do have a choice!”
“NO! Madison, he’ll kill me if I try to stop him!”
“You! You? Is that all you care about, mother? IS THAT ALL YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT?” Simon had been ready for her second outburst, the second she had screamed the door had once again burst open.
“Madison!” his voice was dangerous, but she wasn’t worried. She was the one controlling this situation, it was finally hers to control.
“DON’T COME NEAR ME!” she screamed at him backing away.
“I will kill you girl.” his arms were outstretched poised to strangle her to death, but her death wasn’t his decision.
“No.” she whispered a wild grin on her face.
“No?”
“You heard me. You don’t get the satisfaction of killing me!” she withdrew her bleeding hand from her pocket, razor with it.
“Madison?” her mothers voice was fearful again.
“He was right, mother!” she said pulling off her sweater to reveal her bloodstained arms. “Well partially, at least”
“Madison?”
“You don’t get my body anymore you discusting piece of slime!”
She drove the razor into her left wrist and with one swift movement drew it down opening the vein she had, for so long, only narrowly been avoiding. The pain was precious, the only thing that had ever satisfied her, and she was going to die with the pain being her last memory.
“I hope you watch me die, like you watched him rape me mother!” she said as she repeated the tearing of her right wrist like she had with her left. “I hope you live with the horror of watching me die for the rest of your miserable life.”
It didn’t take long. Her head started to spin as she watched her blood pour from her wrists. She said nothing more, and as her vision finally was lost she caught the sight of her mother standing, immobile and her step-father walking briskly back into the hotel room, as if nothing was wrong. And it wasn’t, not for her, at least.

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