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Reflections of the Sun
There's a pattern forming
where the sun streams
in through the window blind.
Studied until it burns into my mind,
my heart rehearses its light and shade
forming the shape of your smile.
You're all I see.
The setting sun shifts the pattern
leaving me restless
in search of the same smile.
Night leaves me breathless
as the image breathes
into my dreams.
It's all I see.
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2007-09-22 18:14
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A touching, romantic poem that never feels cliche--that can be pretty hard to do. The rhyming is great, subtle, and the images are spot-on. They reveal an almost haunting account of a lost love. Wasn't completely sold on the end-lines of the 2nd and 4th stanzas, but I tried a read-through without them and the poem lost something, so they bring out a good point in the piece and it may just be me who stumbled a bit on them. Other'n that, found it to be a great poem.
happy writings |
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| This feels well crafted. I wonder if it would work applied to melody. I like that it doesn't just suggested imagery, but a feeling of heat and cool as well. Maybe thats just my interpretation but that's what writing's all about I guess. |
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| I love the analogy of the sun and the lover, and this cements the deepness of the feelings expressed in this poem for me. I love being in love (don't we all?), and because of this I love this poem and its fluid path through the mind about the fluid path of love through the heart. |
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Comment by: fox3333 - 2007-06-08 08:05
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| I like this a lot. It's as if I can feel the vibes you were having when you wrote it. I'd love to read more of your stuff. |
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Comment by: costa - 2007-06-07 17:09
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This is nice.
Longing is such ferti e ground for prose, huh?
The speaker immediately engages the reader with the first visual - something we've all seen, and can identify with. Could almost see the dust motes dancing in the sunlight.
The 'heart rehearsing' the smile is lovely, too - such a unique way of describing the dreams of a lost lover.
I (in my amateur opinion) can't find fault - perfect.
Costa |
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