The place for writers:
Upload your writing in minutes, receive peer feedback from other writers, poets, authors, then get your work published out there in the real world. Learn how other writers are doing it. |
|
 |
 |
 |
| |
Moth
Landing on a photograph
of my father, it must have thought
the bulb of his scalp was a source
of light; just as for years I thought
the transmissions from his heart
was love.
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
 |
Comment by: chocca2 - 2008-01-29 16:10
|
|
Short but powerful, I enjoyed every word.
Thanks for sharing. |
|
|
I think I have to agree with Champagne. The line should either be "transmission was" or "transmissions were." Other than that, I thought this poem was pretty damn near flawless.
"the bulb of his scalp was a source of light." That's just plain brilliant. :) |
|
|
| very efffective and powerful for being a few lines...my favorite kind of poem |
|
|
It's full of that imagery you find and share so well, in all of your poems, Christian.
There's a verb/subject agreement fault with "transmissions was", I think it should be transmissions were. I hope someone comes along and corrects me.
Scalp seems like you're talking about the skin UNDER hair, I believe you're hinting at baldness, so maybe the word "pate" would fit better. Besides, then I lose the imagery of natives taking a skinning knife to his comb-over. I don't think you want me having that kind of a quirky picture in my head from this poem.
I can sense the pain in the narrator in these few lines and feel a really strong empathy as well. It's a fine piece. |
 |
Comment by: Loloix - 2007-12-10 04:06
|
|
| memory gets me...good writing.. |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
| | Advertising - Terms & Conditions - Short Story Submissions - Contact - Writing Competitions - Writing Links - Book Promotion - Sky-Tribe.com - alanemmins.com |
|
|
|
|
| |
Member short stories, poems, comments and other contributions are owned by the poster.
Copyright 2003 - 2007 Edit Red I/S | | |
