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Last Word and First Word
I'm breaking my soul for you!
Dude, come one... you always knew
You still choose to act confused?
Through. Heart won't thaw; I caught ya...
Got ya wreaking of him and cheap vodka.
I'm off to leave lipstick on my collar.
Scholars with dollars eat up this shit,
Quick! Get me a fix, a glitch in the system.
Pistons existing will slow down and die
I never cried or tried; I just bleed satire
Flat-tire... Fuck! Can't be a man's world.
Girls, it always seems to come back to that...
Tack in my shoe, my foot taps, lies go undetected.
Dejected, bereft and left with less than I had
Bad gone crazy and crazy gone mad; what to do?
Who!? It was you! How could you break my soul?
Stole my glory then went and misspelled the facts
Masked with a task and I can't grasp the void
A toy strapped to the back of this black asteroid.
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I know - it's so much harder than just end-rhymes, isn't it? I kept stumbling over having two nouns up against each other (not in yours - when I was writing mine).
I thought this one worked. I liked the phrase 'bled out satire', and the way you used satire in the poem itself. So convincing, too - the way everything seems tired and worthless when you've had your heart broken (hope I haven't misinterpreted that one!).
I only stumbled on 'Pistons existing' which did seem a bit forced. |
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Comment by: Apollo Online- 2007-12-13 07:50
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I'm sorry you didn't like the cliche nature of lines 3 and 4, it was supposed to be cliche, most of pop culture is cliche and trite that's what I was trying to express about society as a whole, guess I didn't pull that off very well.
I have to say I found it difficult (not in a bad way) to do a rhyme scheme with the last word of a line and then the 1st word of the next and keep a good rhythym... I felt like I was forcing it... I'll be sure to read some other people's and see how they did it... |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-12-13 06:57
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| Oh, but I didn't like the cliché of lines 3 and 4; the cliché in the rhyme and the phrase devils in prada didn't do it for me, I'm afraid. |
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Comment by: alien - 2007-12-13 06:55
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Very interesting. There were places where I thought the rhyme was a bit forced and other places where I thought the rhyme could be stronger - you were only just getting away with it in a few places.
However, as a poem, it is honest and direct and deals with a subject that many people can identify with. There are some really good lines in here, especially the closing line, which I thought was lovely. |
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| really love the rhyming scheme. Between the last word and the first (hence the title ... smart). That is awesome. I loved the line "I never cried but bled out satire." Really intersting read. Thanks. |
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