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The Penny Dropped
Baby writhed in the lessening space. Barely rousing, the mother drifted.
The flat line on the monitor, morphed into a topographical map of Scotland. Peaks and deep to the bottom lochs, all escaping the level of the sea.
Jagged shapes outlined in red neon, as she dream remembered the words, “We have a rhythm. Stand clear.”
The arc of white light as it hit the chain, dangling from her maternity uniform. The key, like a dancer in a music box, on the metal of the bed.
The baby kicked harder as her eyes wide opened leaving the pennies to drop.
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Comment by: wizzer Online- 2007-12-16 02:08
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nurse speak and writing is often so abbreviated.
..the other day the morning nurse was handing over what was going on and said about one of the residents..left breast red....
.............one of the afternoon nurses said it sounds like a game of twister!
one day that will go into a story i bet!
xx geo |
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ah now i get it! thanks for the explanations, it's a pretty complicated story for such a short piece.
just noticed another thing, did you mean to write 'dream remembered'? I like the way this sounds but maybe it would flow better if you trimmed it or worded it slightly differently, not sure how, but.....I liked this story before and now more after your explanations. Don't be discouraged from cryptic though, it's good to give the reader something to chew over, but i guess it should be graded according to the length of the piece.
i'm looking forward to reading more,
Dominic |
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Comment by: wizzer Online- 2007-12-15 01:38
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i'm so pleased that you commented!
it was my first competition piece and aside from the fact that it was late for the deadline i enjoyed writing it as it was more about my feelings/re-enacting past adrenaline rushes/'catharthis... than about competition .. what could happen if someone didn't stand clear????
i can not see it it ever happening but the fact of change of body shape (ie pregnancy) means a person's prioprocection( body in space) changes so that it could be possible......except the person with the paddles is the person also responsible for ensuring every one is clear....oh dear! I'm rabbiting on....but every nurse who has read this piece knows exactly the angst of it!
i don't know if i need to communicate that feeling to the world or just to people who know what that feeling is all about!
your comment made me realise how the other side lives!!!
xxxthankyou geordie |
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| the metaphors are amazing but I dont get the story that way you haven't expressed like that or maybe you have and I just didn't understand... It's quite weird in getting what you're talkig about make it a little more... you know, understandable otherwise its a really cool piece |
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Comment by: wizzer Online- 2007-12-11 13:10
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dearest lancslass!! please don't be afraid to comment especially when my work is obviously in need of help! i am not at all precious about it! (and really appreciate suggestions about where i go wrong!) you are a gentle soul i think!
i did feel a bit naughty posting it but it was almost a catharsis of describing /remembering a cardiac arrest scene. Quite pleased that i only VERY rarely need to have THAT particular rush of adrenaline now!
xxxthanx again geordie |
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