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Breaking In
The girl sits in front of me, her red hood up, playing with the ends of her curls.
“Megan, this is very serious,” I say.
There’s no sound but the soft rustle of the tape recording our conversation.
“Just...why? You didn’t take anything, you didn’t break anything...”
That shrug, she’s been doing it since we lifted her. I sigh.
“I just don’t understand why you would break into a museum is all.”
Still silence so I reach over to terminate the interview and shut off the tape.
“Max Block.”
I stop. “The artist?”
“Exhibit. Light installations. Wanted to see.”
“Why at night?”
“Best time.”
I pause. “I’m sorry Megan. I don’t understand.”
“My favourite. Shape. Light. Amazing.”
I stare; she still won’t look at me.
“...Just wanted to see it properly...”
She's charged with breaking and entering in the end.
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Comment by: Louise - 2007-12-19 16:41
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| Hmmm I may have to just hold my hands up on this one and say that I tried to do too much in too few words - I was originally happy but the varied and perceptive comments left have made me swing back around again. Oh well, at least now I know my limitations and thank you all very much for highlighting the strong points as well as those that need some work :) |
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Comment by: wizzer - 2007-12-19 14:01
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i thought that the girl was autistic or somesuch ... i'm afraid that i prefer your other piece but this is good!
last line??? not sure about that
tape recorder.."rustles" ??? not sure
xxx geordie sorry not to be more help |
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Interesting take on subject, though I agree that her conversation, especially, is too choppy. I don't know if you were insinuating reticence or nervousness on her part with the strange mode of speech, but it's off-putting and takes us out of the story.
Also, the last line feels a little too "Dragnet," where they used to summarize everything at the end of the episode. But intriguing piece with a surprising amount of depth. |
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Comment by: frees340 Online- 2007-12-13 19:02
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ZOMG. You's is good. Pardon my grammar.
Crits:
There are some awkward stuffs in the writing. Try and make it flow better.
Ex: Dialogue. Think how people talk. It's all about saying things concisely.
Change
Megan, this is very serious
to
Listen, Megan, this is serious. |
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Comment by: Louise - 2007-12-13 09:27
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| Lol well we wouldnt want to mess with the Judgin' Hat, now would we? As for the second comment, I would say that the most interesting thing about this young girl is the fact that she broke into a museum just to look at an exhibition. I do wonder if maybe I tried to do too much with too few words but to be honest Im pleased with the result despite this. Thank you for your comments, both of you :) |
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