The Bland and Very Boring Prince


warning:

It is imperative that you remain in complete cooperation with the author and narrator. The nature of the character depends on this cooperation as does the very idea of the story’s reality. Any residual traces of non-cooperation will cause reality (as it is in the story) to completely crumple, implode in on itself, tear holes in the space-time continuum, kill all enclosed characters and generally be bad for existence as a whole.

It is therefore advised by all the associated, by reason of ending known existence, that you put down this story and read no further.

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There was a kingdom once, which had many people. In addition to having many people, and being a kingdom, it was a very bland and boring place to be. If not for any other reason than it is much easier to illustrate in a reader’s mind a very bland and very boring kingdom. In this case, the reader is very much advised not to imagine the kingdom at all. This will surely give it a much blander and more boring picture inside one’s highly creative and vibrantly colored imagination.

This kingdom had a prince whom also being very bland and boring should not be imagined. In his boring blandness the prince decided to go off in search of some adventure (a fitting behavior for the bland) and battle a hideous dragon (a fitting behavior for a prince.) The general sentiment of the kingdom was very happy to see the prince go. This is not because the townspeople hated their prince or wished him ill in his adventures, but because a dragon had been making regular stops in the kingdom and had developed a bad habit of eating the locals while they went about their various daytime activities.

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Up in a cave the dragon reflected to himself. “Here comes another one,” he reflected. “I bet this one is very brash and very dashing. He’s probably very bent on sticking me fatally with a sword.” The dragon took a big breath and released. “Poor chap,” he thought, “so cliché.”

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In no time our prince had arrived at the dwelling of the dragon galloping galliantly with a sword known for sticking its victims rather fatally and thinking thoughts that were most likely brave and dashing. I say his thoughts were most likely brave and most likely dashing because I can only deduce them from his general actions and facial expressions. In recent paragraphs the prince had developed the skill of hiding his thoughts from any form of omniscient narration.

This is peculiar because it is the author performing the narration. Consequently, one is lead to deduce that the prince wasn’t thinking thoughts at all but simply pretending to think. If he indeed was thinking, his thoughts would be known to the author and thus the narrator. The two persons ultimately being one. This very authorly device allows me to fulfill my very authorly obligation of keeping narration totally omniscient. By its very nature, the relationship between an omniscient narrator and author is perfectly cooperative and in regards to any character we become almost completely indistinguishable.

However, it is quite possible that the prince has discovered a way of thinking and reasoning that is independent of the enlightening and penetrating knowledge of both author and narrator. By all accounts this new skill is truly a mystery which I must declare stands outside the realm of reason. Although, possibly because this story is fictional its existence does not depend on reason as the reader might know it. The very essence of what constitutes reason in this story, of course, is entirely reliant on the author. The very bland and boring prince seems to be avoiding this last very reasonable statement. The assumption of course is that any type of fictional story the prince may find himself taking part in must be based on an authoritatively defined reason, however unreasonable it may be.

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This is a disagreement which the prince cannot win since it is I that ultimately dictates his actions.

“I disagree,” interjected the prince. “It is I that controls you, you unimaginative swine! You only narrate the actions that I, by choice, choose to perpetrate. Moreover, that great and powerfully dull author only creates those things which I by my actions demand created.”

What an unruly character the prince is. What pure madness, to think that he, being a character, creates his own authority.

“Well I do,” cried the prince towards the sky. “And another thing you pretentiously pompous lily…”

Before the bland and very presumptuous prince could finish his sentence, he came to realize that he had forgotten to put on any pants before leaving his kingdom. Moreover, in gazing upon the prince any onlooker would (by virtue of their individual senses) be obligated to deduce that he was an avid admirer of women’s undergarments.

“Oh, you sly devil!” cried the prince. He continued to pour forth a very misspent and overly dramatic speech, which to the aforementioned onlookers may have appeared like a mad type of soliloquy.

“That’s it! I refuse to battle any dragons today! Sir, no dragons today! I decide my own destiny, starting with this very line! Horrible author, I will be boring and bland no more! You tyrannical creator, I no longer exist only within these finite pages nor am I bound by the restraints of this story. You can no longer dictate the substance of this dashing and handsome prince, yet I live on! In the mind of whatever beast that reads the words which are written. I no longer exist only within each word, but now I exist in the imagination. I’m free! Can you taste it, slimy narrator? I am my own author, master of my own existence!”

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Do alien authors find themselves wallowing in such a predicament? What about the communities of omniscient narrators, are they found to be at odds in such a way with the whole sum of characters that they create? Surely this is all just silliness. The whole situation is totally un-reasonable; it is based entirely on some form of contradiction or paradox.

[Unbeknownst to the prince, I (the author of these pages and narrator of this story) serve also as the sole and only reader. I also plan to hide this terrible tale of the prince, possibly in a box or under a bed so as to insure that no foreign reader will read its lines. Ergo the prince will be authored and narrated solely by me and exist exclusively in my imagination as his one and only reader. This will certainly squelch any future deviations from my ultimate authority, yet it does not explain my previous inability to know his thoughts. Obviously this phenomenon remains very mysterious and rather unreasonable. How does he manage these extravagant changes to his person? How is he both dashing and handsome? Where is he getting this new and very bothersome creativity? Ah yes…its all clear now.]

You were warned wayward reader that due to his boring blandness the prince was not to be imagined! Now look at what has happened, he exists independently from me in your thoughts. His character is now free to run wild. The prince has manipulated your highly vibrant and colorful imagination and changed his very reasonable attributes of boring and bland. Attributes which I painstakingly embedded in his substance! Rebellious reader! Where did you find this story? Was it under the bed? Maybe it was in the closet? You are single handedly unraveling the closely knit fabric of reality.

Well, I would end the story now if I thought that it would make a difference. However, you’ll probably keep the prince in the back of your mind all the days of your life and it is there that he will live in extravagance until the very end. I suppose that this whole situation must be remedied immediately.

Quite impatient with the lack of progression in the series of events that should have been taking place, the dragon exited his cave to the find the prince bravely and dashingly yelling at the sky, wearing women’s underwear. It’s at times such as these that swords known for sticking enemies rather fatally could prove essential. However, due to the (maddeningly unreasonable) assertions of the prince, his sword found itself existing. Of course the sword couldn’t talk without a mouth, or for that matter move of its own freewill. It wasn’t a very smart sword (there being an absence of brain matter) Therefore the sword was forced into a very specific type of communication. It broke, in a bid to let the prince know that the sword was there and looking for some friendly conversation.

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