The Search II: It Ends Where It Begins
Table of Contents
Who Am I Beyond the I Am?………………………………………………..2
I Am Suffices………………………………………………………………...4
The Love Remains…………………………………………………………...5
The Now Just Is………………………………………………………………7
Fear of the Unknown…………………………………………………………9
A Stranger in the House……………………………………………………..10
Beyond Consciousness……………………………………………………....12
The Nature of Fear…………………………………………………………..14
The Desire for Progress……………………………………………………...15
Letting Go of Relationships………………………………………………....17
Do I Know the Knower?…………………………………………………….19
Thinking About Helping… ………………………………………………....21
It’s All Only Consciousness………………………………………………....22
Insert Title Here…………………………………………………………......26
Whatever That Is………………………………………………………….....28
The I-thought………………………………………………………………..29
Defenseless……………………………………………………………….….31
The Way I Should Have Been……………………………………………….32
Because of Me, The World Is……………………………………………….33
Beyond the Conditioned Mind……………………………………………....35
No Comment………………………………………………………………...37
About The Author…………………………………………………………...39
Also By This Author………………………………………………………...40
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Who Am I Beyond the I Am?
The knower and known
Forget the known
Know that I am the knower
But am I?
There is a different knower
For each known
Each ‘known’, a form
A new knower created
That goes along with it
Can I group all knowers together?
Then say they are all the same?
Can I say that all experiencers
Are the same experiencer?
Or does each experience
Have a different experiencer?
Each with its own Here and Now
At a given time and space
How about the seer and seen?
Or the perceiver and perceived?
They can’t be the same can they?
Each has a different history at least
Then who am I Now?
Not a remembered past
Or chain of knowers, experiencers, or perceivers
That’s continuity
Continuity implies a past
A history
Saying that one form is all of these things
Merely a trick of the memory
Can I say that I am the witness
of all the knowers, experiencers, and perceivers?
The witness of the dualities,
The knower/known combinations?
Without a known, can there be a knower?
What purpose would that serve?
They co-exist, one dependent on the other
I am dependent on nothing!
I am neither knower nor known,
I am the witness of it all
But am I the witness or beyond that?
What is beyond the witness?
Pure awareness?
Aware of nothing?
Of everything?
Am I what the witness, knower and known emerge from
And return to
After each witnessing?
If I am aware of the witness
Then who am I?
Who is the one aware of it all?
Who am I beyond the I Am?
February 8, 2007
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I Am Suffices
“I am a self-realized man!”
“I am enlightened!”
No sir
It doesn’t work
Simply another way of saying
That I am ‘this’ or ‘that’
A false statement
Outsiders may call them realized
Or enlightened
But they wont say so
It’s not true
They aren’t ‘this’ or ‘that’
Just in their natural state
My natural state?
“I Am” suffices
February 13, 2007
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The Love Remains
A short meditation underway
Repeating the words “I am”
Enquiring along with the mantra
What does the I Am feel like?
What is it?
A sensation is building up
Something rising inside
I say, “I am” each time it’s felt
Faster and faster it rises
Something is approaching
Or am I approaching something?
A feeling like I’m about to feel the I Am
I’m about to know what it feels like!
I’m about to know what it is!
Suddenly the phone rings
‘If I just lay here’ plays
Silver’s ring tone
Is this a distraction?
Am I close?
Is this stasis energy to keep me from reaching it?
I answer
I hear that sweet voice
I can’t help but laugh and smile at what is said
A feeling of love arises
Love is the I Am
Not the answer I was expecting
Not the form in which I thought it would come
An answer none the less
An answer in the form of Love
Why did she call?
Love
Why did I answer?
Love
What was expressed?
Love
What remains?
Love
The meditation ended
The phone call ended
The asking ended
Even the smile and laughter came to an end
But the Love remains
February 14, 2007
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The Now Just Is
Positive about what?
Negative about what?
Concerning the way things are?
Why think only positive thoughts?
Or avoid the negative thoughts and feelings?
Only see the bright side of things
Only see what I want to see
Positive is no more than the desired
States, results, and conditions
Negative conversely the undesirable
Wants and don’t wants
Likes and dislikes
All mind, all ego
No need to run to the positive
Or run from the negative
The Now just is
With no positives to desire
Or negatives to avoid
The Now just is
Beyond both positive and negative
Likes and dislikes
Wants and don’t wants
Beyond desires
And preferences to be met
Happiness is independent
Not dependent on whether situations
Are positive or desirable
External conditions mean nothing
There is no need to see the bright side
Nor is there a gloomy side to cover up or replace
The Now just is
Positive in relation to what?
Negative in relation to what?
To Now?
No
In relation to past and future
Comparisons and judgments
Desired results, situations, and conditions
I have no need for focusing on what I want
Nor shunning what I don’t
Only acceptance is needed
The Now is beyond any of the mind’s judgments
The Now just is
February 15, 2007
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Fear of the Unknown
Planning how I want it to go
What I should do or say
To make it run smoothly
Knowing what to expect
Along with the desire,
Fear arises
It’s fear of the unexpected
Fear of the unknown
The fear and suffering are inevitable
Whether I take action on it or not
Mind was in the future
Attempting to control it in a desired way
For it’s own comfort
Deceiving myself
Future desire
Fear of the future
Fear of the unexpected
Fear of the unknown
February 17, 2007
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A Stranger in the House
When there’s a stranger in the house
Why does my behavior change?
Less is eaten
Irritation arises
I feel like I’m not saying enough
Not being social enough
Being rude
I put blame on others for restricting my freedom
The freedom to be me
Why?
Its no ones fault
Not even mine
It just is how it is
Fear takes over
As well as the desire to please “others”
I freeze
I feel discomfort and nervousness
The feeling of being watched
Anger and irritation
I repress myself
Stop myself from doing what I want to do
Or saying what I want to say
From being me
Maybe I am afraid of freedom
Afraid of the unknown
So much bottled up
Constantly second guessing myself
And for what?
For who?
No one else even knows or cares that it’s happening
It’s all in the mind
None of it is real
Always been free
Always will be
Overcome by fear
Blinds me from reality
There was nothing to do or say
The idea of “enough” is meaningless
It just is
I just am
Nothing was wrong
Nothing happened
It was all imagined
All an illusion
All in the mind
What left is there to say?
Nothing to do but laugh at myself
For giving reality to any of it
February 18, 2007
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Beyond Consciousness
Beyond Consciousness
That’s where I’m trying to go
What I want
What I’m after
Can’t be found anywhere else
I’ve searched and searched
Asked question after question
Yes I’ve received answers
But they all turn out the same
Same questions, same answers
Surprise, surprise
Who would’ve guessed
I guess not I!
All methods produced results
Received answers and some peace
What to do with the answer?
I didn’t know, so I moved on
To find out what I was still missing
There was introspection
Unraveling the ego, aka the mind
Understanding and questioning all of its motives
Letting go of it all to see what was left
Then it moved to self-inquiry
Asking where does the ‘I’ rise from
Like a wave rising from the ocean is still ocean
The ‘I’ from nowhere must be Nothing
If it moves, it’s mind
Nothingness, Love, Peace, Emptiness, or Awareness
The same “thing” with different names
Same with God, the Unmanifest, pure consciousness, or the Self
Intellectually the answers turn out the same
Words to describe what is nameless and formless
The last was watching the “I am” sense
Turning the mind away from everything else
What was found? Was it something new?
No. The feeling of Love
The same answer
But now a new realization
No matter what method chosen
Or how deep the search
I’ll always arrive at the same answer
Because in consciousness is where I’ve been searching
Beyond is where I must go Now
No more questions left to ask
All questions and answers are in consciousness
An endless cycle
This was a realization in disguise
What is beyond consciousness?
Beyond name and form
Beyond question and answer
Beyond the minds capabilities
Beyond all effort and searching
Consciousness happens
If it happens, it is consciousness
Dismiss it as consciousness
See it for what it is
Expect nothing more
Not an answer or realization
Not even a feeling or experience
All experience is in consciousness
What can’t be experienced is beyond
How do I get beyond?
February 21, 2007
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The Nature of Fear
Fear disappears
In the Now
Past and future can’t survive
In the Now
Under Awareness they dissolve
Awareness is Now
Even the thoughts that bring fear
The thoughts that I’m afraid of
Disappear under Awareness
And Awareness is Now
Not pushing them away
Or replacing them
With “better” thoughts
Not letting them move at all
Just looking at them
Now
Not letting the mind follow them
Into the past or future
The Now,
Awareness,
Is stronger than the mind
And its fears
Thoughts dissolve
Fears disappear
The nature of fear
Is to disappear
February 25, 2007
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The Desire for Progress
Give up the desire for progress
Go beyond systems
Beyond the “I am the body” idea
Beyond consciousness
Even writing this
Stems from the desire for progress
Why else write it?
Or remember it?
Watch for the desire for progress
In all that I do
If not to progress, why?
Is any more progress needed or possible?
Progress to where?
To enlightenment?
To Liberation?
To fearlessness or desirelessness?
To having no questions or doubts left?
Even with meditation
Watching the thoughts
As the witness
Isn’t some type of progress desired?
It works best when no progress
Or result
Is imagined or expected
Expectation ruins meditation
Destroys peace
Expectation has no place Here
Neither do desired results or goals
No progress, no “there”
Only Here and Now
Just watch what happens
I’ll let it reveal itself, by itself
In time
While I remain beyond time
February 27, 2007
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Letting Go of Relationships
Let a relationship happen naturally
Why hold on or force it?
Growing apart is inevitable
In some cases
Let things go
Let them happen on their own
No excess force is needed
Let it hold together on its own
When something comes
Accept it
When it starts to go
Let it
No matter what the relationship
Whether with people, yourself, or beliefs
Everything serves its purpose
All attachments temporary
Holding on too long
Yields pain and suffering
Just because something is known or familiar
Doesn’t mean to attach permanently
Nothing is gained when it’s there
Nothing is lost when it’s gone
Fighting against only creates more suffering
It was never yours to hold
Relationships are like public transportation
You only stay on as long as necessary
Once you reach your destination, get off
A means can only carry you so far
Only use a belief or system for as long as needed
They too only give a short ride
Don’t hold on when it’s time to transfer
Letting go must happen in time
Who does the letting go?
Is it you or is it your mind?
What has never attached, has nothing to let go of
Attachment only happens to the mind
What about the relationship with yourself?
Is it Real or built on ideas and beliefs?
Based on the past, habits, and mental attachments
Or is it your true Self that’s seen?
March 2, 2007
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Do I Know the Knower?
Do I know the knower?
Can I?
Or can I only know
That which isn’t the knower?
I know that the mind
Isn’t the knower
Mind only knows mind
Can only know what changes
If it changes, it’s in consciousness
I’m not the mind
So the mind can’t be
The knower that knows me
The mind can only “know” what changes
What changes can’t even be known
Only known about
The mind knows nothing!
The real knower knows itself
I can only know myself by being myself
Just as Now knows Now by being Now
Not being anything I’m not
Not being anything that changes
Not being the mind, body, or consciousness
There’s nothing I can claim to know
The mind is making the claim
Not me
The real knower
Doesn’t claim to know anything
Except itself
Yet can’t describe itself
Has never seen itself
Knows that all it sees is not itself
And can’t be known by anyone but itself
March 2, 2007
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Thinking About Helping…
How can I call it helping?
If I cant put the person beyond
The need for more help?
Further help
Future help
That isn’t helping
That seems like dependence
Building a relationship of dependence
Similar to a dealer and an addict
Creating an addict
Always in need of more help
Another fix
Another treatment
And I’m the supplier
What good am I doing?
What kind of help is that?
Really
I have to step back
And take a look at this
Take myself out of the equation
Watch it play back
Another cycle repeating
A responsibility for me
An addiction for them
Where’s the independence?
The freedom?
I can help no one
While I still believe
I’m the one doing the helping
While there’s still a me
That can step out of the situation
At all
March 3, 2007
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It’s All Only Consciousness
Words
Are they enough any more?
They are only in the mind,
In consciousness
Not beyond
They can’t go beyond
Only say “beyond”
Is being in the Now enough?
With nothing else ‘to do’?
No way to go beyond
No effort can take me
All effort is made in consciousness
By the mind
Beyond words and concepts
Just wait and see
All I can ‘do’
Or not do
Just witness
Any more investigating necessary?
Or just wait?
Wait for what?
For something to happen in the future?
Or am I waiting for the Now to take me deeper into itself?
Deeper into mySelf?
Can’t really say how I feel
Word don’t really describe anything accurately
Just close estimates
And pointers
Empty
Reality is more abstract
The abstract itself
No this or that
No easy labels
Words say nothing
The experience of what’s beyond and behind says more
Does it say it all?
Or is experience limited
By the limits of the perception used to perceive the experience?
Can the full experience be perceived at all?
What about Oneness?
Right now just a word
That describes an experience
What use is it to me now?
One with Now
One with Here
One with myself
Because I am myself
What more is needed?
Why does anything else need to happen?
There is no “there”
So saying “I’m there” is an illusion
In the mind
Just be
Be what?
Be me?
How?
By not doing anything I guess
I’m just as much me in stillness
As I am active
I’m not my habits, patterns, or specific actions
That doesn’t describe me
That’s the ego, the mind
Just Peace, Here and Now
Nowhere to search but Here and Now
No one to search but myself
No one to ask but myself
No one needs answer but myself
How can I answer myself?
Why would I even need to answer myself?
Its all me
Anything left to find?
To let go of?
Finding and letting go
Are only in consciousness
In the mind
Its all good I guess
Why guess?
Why affirm?
Affirming and assurance takes words and definites
Explanations are only to please the mind
Whatever pleases your mind
Is the explanation you’ll believe and stick to
For Now
Until it’s no longer pleasing
No explanation is the truth
Explanations are only in consciousness
No urge to show this or turn it over to the public
Why?
What purpose would it serve?
Do they benefit?
Do I?
If not, if neither
Then why?
Sure it sounds poetic
But what’s the importance?
Why express at all?
Words say so little
Lack meaning
So loose
So empty
Only consciousness
It’s all only consciousness
Consciousness isn’t me
All that I can perceive,
Is consciousness
Even what I use to perceive,
Is consciousness
It’s all only consciousness
So full in content
Yet so empty
March 4, 2007
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Insert Title Here
Does there have to be
Someone to make things happen?
Or just someone
To do the witnessing?
Lots of explanations
Of why things happen the way they do
A new system
A science, a religion, a philosophy
A new theory
Where else but in the mind?
Explanations to please the mind
The more convincing the better
Who witnesses?
How can anything
Be said to happen
Without a witness?
Can something happen
Without anyone making it happen?
Can something happen
Without witnessing?
Either?
Both?
Someone to witness a change
For it to be said
That there was any change
Someone to make the change happen?
What about things that seem
To have ‘no one’ there
Making them happen
No cause
No one to blame
Nature
Everything happens
According to its nature
What about the witnessing?
The nature of the witness
Is to witness
Naturally
Different explanations
Pleasing to different minds
Investigating
How and why things happen
The way they do
All in the mind
But witnessed by whom?
Who witnesses the mind?
Witnesses the happenings
Witnesses the explanations
And the understandings
Who witnesses the mind
Accepting or rejecting
The explanations?
Who witnesses the witness?
Or can even say
That there is a witness
Or that anything has happened
At all
March 5, 2007
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Whatever That Is
If I don’t claim to be anything
There’s nothing to defend
Not a body or concept
Not an idea or identity
Nothing
Nothing to be like
Or act like
Just me
Whatever that is
March 5, 2007
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The I-thought
The I-thought
What could be more selfish?
‘I’
The ego
The mind
One wave
Excluding all else
When in reference to the body, mind, or individual identity
The ‘I’
The little I
The I that rises from nowhere and returns to nothing
Nothing but ego itself
Selfishness itself
A miniscule part of the whole
All of existence
One small part
A form among the formless whole
Forgetting the rest
Standing up and saying “I”
Like a small wave rising from the ocean
Proclaiming to all
I am!
I have an identity of my own!
Every other thought,
Stems from and attaches to the first I-thought
Individuality
Ego, my, and mine
The I-thought
The belief that I am separated from the rest
More simplistic
Believing there is an ‘I’ and a ‘rest’
Forgetting the whole with every thought
With every appearance and reappearance of ‘I’
The I-thought
What could be more selfish?
March 13, 2007
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Defenseless
If a defense is needed
It’ll come
It needn’t come from me
I have nothing to defend
I don’t need your approval
To be me
March 14, 2007
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The Way I Should Have Been
Why make a person feel
Like there’s something wrong with them
Just because they don’t fit into
The idea of how you think they should be
That feeling of ‘something’s wrong with me’
Doesn’t easily go away
In another couple years
A deep depression is underway
I don’t fit into your world
Or see life the way you do
I can’t believe what you believe
Or behave the way society says I should
I tried to believe in your god
I tried to want the life you have
To feel the way you feel
And see through your prescription glasses
Just accept me as I am
And I’ll do the same
No change is needed to fix what’s wrong
Just see the perfection of my present state
Nothing was ever wrong
I just believed the words you said
The picture society showed to me
The way I should have been
March 15, 2007
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Because of Me, The World Is
I can see
That to be
Considered a person,
There needs to be
A surrounding world
For that person to be
In and apart of
Without a world
There is nowhere for
A conscious being,
Labeled a ‘person’
To exist in
The person
And the world
Are one
Dependent on one another
What about saying:
“Because of me, the world is”
Is it true?
A reverse of the “normal” societal belief of:
“Because of the world, I am”
Based on the ‘I am the body’ idea
The body
Is part of the world
In essence,
The body is the world
Excluding the body,
The mind is left
For now
Without the mind and its senses
The world would not be perceived
It would not exist to me
Without the world
There is no need for the senses
The minds perceptive facilities
They arise together
They are one
Mind, body, and world
I am not the mind either
Nor the world
In relation to the body or mind
Without the world,
I still am
But without me,
Is there a world?
Without me
Giving form and reality
To a body and mind,
What is there
To give reality to a world?
Without me
There is no world
Because of me
The world is
March 16, 2007
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Beyond the Conditioned Mind
No need to learn to love people
There are no ‘people’ to love
No persons or individuals
I learned to accept
Acceptance is unconditional love
I don’t have to like or dislike anyone
Or anything
Just acceptance
No preference
No type I like or type I dislike
No judgment needed at all
Giving excess love to one
Or withholding from another
Saying one is deserving
And another is not
Just acceptance
Unconditional love and forgiveness
Is enough
One type may be pleasing to one
A similar mind with a similar nature
Current nature
Like minded
Another pleasing to another
With an entirely different current nature
Standards, values, and beliefs
Most love is only intense like
Mind made ‘love’
Based on preference
Internal positionalities and beliefs
An illusion
Based on desiring the pleasurable
Desiring what will reinforce your own ego
The mind only accepts
Things pleasing to it
What’s explained well enough
A good enough reason
Look past the programming
Look past the ‘person’
Beyond all past conditioning
Dislikes and likes
Real love and acceptance
Unconditional and free
Beyond the conditioned mind
March 18, 2007
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No Comment
How can you know and love your Self
When you’re so busy
Trying to know, love, and please
Someone or something else?
Such as an idea or a belief
An identity like Jesus or Buddha
A concept of God
Something separate from you
Not realizing that they ARE you
All mentally created
Only appearing in consciousness
Mind made ideas
All from the past
Keeping the illusion alive
Your own Self is so close
Can’t be perceived or held in mind
Not a mental idea or construct
It needs no belief
Just letting go of false ideas
So near!
Right Here!
But you don’t want it
You ignore it
And look the other way
Illusions and imagination
Keep pushing it away
How can it fill your heart?
When it’s full of stories and beliefs
Giving all your love away
To your mind and its concepts
But you call it worship
Devoted to the past
What about Here?
What about Now?
What about your very own Self?
Which asks for nothing
And needs no explanation
What does it matter?
Why should I bother?
Or try to wake you up?
You don’t want to know your Self
You’re just like everybody else
March 19, 2007
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About The Author
I am. Anything more, would be imagination.
The Search itself is an illusion. It happens in the mind only. It begins and ends in consciousness.
There is no search, searcher, or anything to search for… beyond consciousness.
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Also By This Author
The Search: A Desire for Freedom. A Collection
of Poems, by George McMillan (February, 2007).
For more information, contact me by email at: metaphysicalg@gmail.com
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