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Breaking In (story challenge 21)
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"Have you got a better one?"
"No...not really... "
"Shut up then. We have to get in soon, I don't know when they'll be back".
“There has to be something else we can do”.
“There isn’t. Now hand me the tire iron”.
A crash, followed by the tinkle of glass falling inwards onto terracotta tiles. A hand swathed in a scarf pushes the jagged edges out of the frame. Disappearing through the door, the hand scrabbles on the inside for the handle.
"Do you think anyone heard?"
"They will if you keep blathering on. Shut up!"
The handle squeaks as it turns. The door swings inward silently. The light from the garden falls across the kitchen floor. It shows up a glint of metal on the counter.
“My keys! I thought I’d lost them!”
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Comment by: wizzer Online- 2008-01-04 13:02
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love this! i of course imagined it was the other people living in the house ....only once i read to the the end and thunk about it.
gave me a laugh, it is "I don't know when they'll be back". that leads a girl astray!
enjoyed this
xxgeo |
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Comment by: - 2008-01-02 08:34
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The thieves re-breaking in to get their keys seem most plausible; it makes the whole concept quite humorous (how many times have we seen news shorts on dumb criminals?).
The dialog was realistic and was instrumental in creating the mood / scene. I was easily able to see the characters in my mind's eye.
Well-written story, Icy, and true to the title's intent. |
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It's a tale well told. Those of us who're a bit thick (me) might be a little puzzled by the transition from the break-in to finding the keys.
I might have gotten it a little easier had it not said the part about someone being "back", which I assume refers to other tenants who might unlock the door for them; and instead something like "See, I told you I left them on the countertop" rather than "I thought I’d lost them".
Though I'm reluctant to tinker with a story when everyone else seems to get it just the way it is! Hence the "thick" comment about myself.
Nice clever take on the title. Good job. |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2007-12-21 18:18
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I had to break into my own apartment once because I locked myself out. It sucked. Fortunately, I didn't have to break glass.
The dialogue was righteous and the twist got me. Nice work! |
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Am I missing something? Did the thieves leave their keys behind and have to rebreak in?
Nice job on the dialog. One little crit: ""They will if you keep blathering [on]. Shut up!" - you could probably drop "on" here.
"Disappearing through the door, the hand scrabbles on the inside for the handle." - scrabbles? maybe scrambles
Thanks for sharing,
john |
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