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From the Balcony - Wee Story #21
That ever dimming light at the end of the tunnel has finally vanished and the world has taken on a harsher appearance. Perhaps I am better off without it.
My legs tremble as I climb onto the ledge of the balcony. Below me the congested traffic looks like matchbox vehicles and people are but scampering insects.
There will be no saving straws to clutch at once I have jumped and the impact will be excruciatingly painful if only for a few seconds. Chaos will follow: flashing lights, blasting horns and pedestrians vying for a good closer look. Then everything will go back to normal and my departure will be just another statistic.
I take one last look at my apartment then turn and close my eyes.
“Ten…nine…eight…”
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| Leslie, I think there's been plenty of critical analysis and I'm not good at that anyway, so all I'll say is I love this story. A person whose lost so much hope as to be capable of seeing their own death without much emotion left for it. This is a fine little tale. |
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Comment by: Stratus - 2007-12-17 06:16
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| 'Death from the balcony' I like seeing all these motivations, these seeds for longer stories. A quick read with a steady tone. My only real jar came in the third paragraph with 'excruciating'. Did you mean excruciatingly? Good read, thanks. |
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Comment by: mynamelez Online- 2007-12-16 19:20
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| Thankyou Penguin your advice has been a great help. |
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Well done, Les!
Not sure that it matters, but there's a wordiness here that I think you can remove and add a bit more.
Things like (remember, this is OPINION):
"That <dimming> light at the end of the tunnel has vanished...." Dimming doesn't add here
"... and the world <appears to have taken> on a harsher appearance." Figure the more definite 'has' would work better.
"<There’s bound> to be chaos;" 'There will be...'
"freaked-out pedestrians, inconvenienced drivers','< and the> flashing lights of <emergency-services> <illuminating the night sky>'...'" You're making a list, so use the rules for lists. "illuminating the night sky" feels superfluous.
"<, but eventually> everything will go back to normal." New Sentence - it's outside the list. I'd use 'Then' instead of "eventually", but that's just taste.
"I’ll <become> just another statistic< to catalogue>." 'be' instead of become, and drop the "to catalogue".
"My legs tremble as I climb <up> onto the ledge of the balcony."
"Below me the congested traffic looks like matchbox vehicles and people are but scampering insects. I doubt the impact will be an instantaneous end. It’ll be excruciating if only for a few seconds. What troubles me most is the absence of straws to clutch at once I have leapt." This part feels "clumsy". There's a lot of meat here, and maybe needs adding to. Not sure on what I can suggest to make this stronger.
"Closing my eyes',' I slowly count down from ten." Or maybe demonstrate - 'Eyes closed, I whisper: "Ten. Nine..."
Hope this helps.... |
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Comment by: mynamelez Online- 2007-12-16 01:49
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It was a hard choice between the sudden discovery of a New Hope to secure a happy ending, or the finality (for the want of a better word) of the narrator jumping. I decided in the end to leave the narrotor's fate to the mercy of the reader.
Thankyou DKay and Kmorales for taking time to read this. |
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