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Stone By Stone
Women once bent silently over open meadows,
and carried each stone back to the hillside.
Children dug with sticks into the spring dirt
that smelled of life, like crickets jumping,
like ants scattering, like little girls laughing
and blooming grass, so full of anxious insects.
One by one, flatter side up, men laid the stones,
each rock turned many times by the anonymous many.
Soon the stones sheltered babies,
Each stone, each baby held tight to breast,
one after one, constructing the barriers
of families at the perimeters of tribes.
Shade and cover from rain and wind.
Man erected stony crook and building,
for taming the stock and storing crops.
Stone by stone came abundance.
Stone by stone grew affluence.
Sheep graze in the field,
withheld by stonewalls.
Newborn lamb shiver in weak morning sun.
A young girl gathers moss on the old rock
that separates her from the mansion.
One by one,
she drives the animals through the gate,
and sings the names of the flock.
A boy comes by on his horse,
through the great portal,
and throws a pebble at the girl in jest.
She picks up the smooth fossil of Jurassic
shell and holds it softly to her chest.
Stone by stone the walls,
rock by rock the frontiers
fall back to earth.
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tied to the stones, part of the earth, and yes neglected,thank you dakota..
although i'd rather see a neglected stone field than an abused planet.
the stone buildings are abandoned behind me, while people build new houses made of lesser material for their lesser owners. stone by stone they degrade. |
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Comment by: Dakota - 2008-02-15 13:16
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| Wonderful observations reveal our world in all its sadness and joy. A beautiful piece expressing so much for me. The poor sheep penned - the petty spite of a young boy, the way stone is at the basis of so much of our lives and civilization - and to think that stone is neglected earth. |
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| No, I think you've got it now. Of course, if you feel a pebble in your shoe, you do what you've got to do. |
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David, thank you for the edit, i was not happy with the tense, but after changing several verses, i find that it is balanced. i don't dare move any more words, for my walls will crumble.
what i may do, is write a different poem on same subject which also would include the city walls and ramparts. |
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N,
You've got tense shift issues in here. You start in past tense, shift to a mixture of past and present and end in present. If it's intentional, I don't feel it working.
It's a nice narrative poem. I think your opening strophe could use some punctuation or line breaks though.
"Women bent silently over open meadows,
and carried each stone back to the hillside.
Children dug with sticks into the Spring dirt
that smells (smelled?) of life like crickets jumping,
(Here, is it "smelled of life, like crickets jumping." Or is it, "smelled of life-like crickets, jumping")
like ants scattering, like little girls laughing
in the blooming grass full of anxious insects.
This might need a breath, perhaps, "like little girls laughing in the blooming grass, so full of anxious insects.
But this is excellent and I'd like to see it again when/if you decide to edit it.
best,
Dave |
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