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xXLupaXx
L Baird
United States, Washington, Kent

Words: 855
Access: Public
Comments: 5

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Silent Night

The footsteps melded perfectly with my own. Every noise was the opportunity to draw a weapon and slit my throat. Only a ninja as skilled as I would be able to pull that off. Sweat beaded on the back of my neck in anticipation and fear. I knew that whoever was following me would strike as soon as the opportunity arose. A crow burst out of a tree cawing and I quickly knocked the knife out of my attackers hand with a spin kick. Dropping my backpack I warded off a dozen strikes before I recognized who I was fighting.
“Hello, Sensei” he sneered
“Kal?” I gasped, blocking another strike. Something was different about him; he never was a good apprentice. He was clumsy and slow, he could barley drop kick a football let alone jump kick a target. I was worried, he had changed. His slow grin revealed my fear. Setting my face in stone, I increased my intensity, hitting him stronger and faster, slowly driving him back.
“Like them?” he asked, running his tongue over his fangs “got them from an old friend about a week after you kicked me out of the dojo.”
“There’s a reason I made you leave” I said, pretending to let my guard down. He spotted the opening and lunged, aiming his fist at my throat. “You where never patient enough” sidestepping his attack so he slammed into the wall behind me, I turned and delivered a kick to his spine. I felt it snap beneath my converse and left him there to die, a mistake I would regret for the rest of my life.

__________________________________________________________

He stumbled in, bloody and trembling, his back barley healed. I laughed a little in my head. To think, all he had wanted was revenge on the one woman who had scorned him all his life. I thought it was a lover, I never thought it would be an old teacher.
“M-master” he gasped “I failed” tears and blood dripped down his chin and onto the floor.
“I know I saw it” he flushed and I chuckled “A vampire bested by a mortal is rare.” An icy voice slid through the crowd.
“Pathetic” Sophie sneered down at Kal as she approached me “My liege I beg you, allow me to go and cover up this weakling’s blunder” she had the look in her eye that said she was thirsting. Or PMSing. Either way, I couldn’t let her get to the woman before I did.
“No, I do think I’ll take care of this myself.” A gasp went through the small crowd that had gathered. I rolled my eyes and left.

__________________________________________________________

I knew he was there before I woke up. He was sitting in the window seat across the room. I slowly opened one eye and studied him. He had an impressive build, muscles that where strong, but not incredibly huge. He turned and looked at me and started. Apparently he hadn’t realized I was awake. It’s funny to see a powerful vampire jump like that. They always seem so graceful and poised. I got out of bed and went to the kitchen; I could feel his gaze following me. I grabbed two beers out of the fridge and kicked it closed with my foot. Walking back over to my bed I threw one at the vampire before sitting cross legged on the end.
“So” I said “you came about Kal?” I opened my beer and took a swig.
“yeah” he mumbled still looking shocked “you used to teach him?” he had a voice like dark chocolate. Smooth, sexy and dark.
“Yup, wound up having to kick him out. He didn’t have what it takes” I watched him from the corner of my eye. He was gazing at me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, which I’m not. I’m too stubborn to be beautiful.
“How did you know he didn’t?”
“Oh, there where signs” I fought to keep my emotions in check “He wasn’t a very good listener for one thing.” He chuckled, I was starting to like this guy.
“Yeah I noticed that when I first met him. He didn’t seem to care that he couldent beat me, he was determined to impress his Sensei, even after she kicked him out.” He looked at me and I ducked my head, taking another drink from my beer. “He told me later that she was an angel. He said her hair was like liquid night and her eyes like solar flares. That he could feel them scorching him when she glared at him. That sound like anybody you know?”
“Nope, I don’t know anybody with yellow eyes” I leaned back on my elbows and laughed. I met his eyes with mine and they seemed to grab onto my soul. They where like wells, dug deep and seemingly endless. I tried to shake the feeling off as a vampire mind trick, but when he got off the windowseat came over and kissed me, I knew the feeling was mutual.

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Comments  
theorionfive Comment by: theorionfive - 2007-12-18 20:22
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Interesting mix between the current and the medieval you have here. One thing I noticed was "barley kick a football" should be "barely kick a football" but maybe it was a finger tie-up. It is good, piecewise, but the thing is I really would think it will make it better once the story is lengthened.

By the way, I was thinking of your comment on the boards of a title. Call it Sensing a Sensei In The Silence. (tongue twister ;) )
mynamelez Comment by: mynamelez - 2007-12-18 01:10
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An interesting read, sort of vampire meets Beverly Hills Ninja.

The previous posts should cover most of the editting that is requried for a peice like this. The switch of POVs is not really needed and could have been centered on just one character.

I too would like to read more of this story.

mynamelez
rosiewolf Comment by: rosiewolf - 2007-12-17 20:51
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I love the concept. I think this needs to be a manga though. Vampire Ninjas is just too good not to be a graphic novel. I bet there's an artist over on Deviantart or somewhere just waiting for you to write this.
KelleyRose Comment by: KelleyRose - 2007-12-17 19:33
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Great write and I also loved the premise. I am hoping that you are not planning on ending the story here? I would love to read more. Tirzah took most of the critiques. But I will point out a few spelling errors.

Here: "Oh, there where signs”" Where should be "were".

And here: "He didn’t seem to care that he couldent beat me"
couldn't**
TirzahLaughs Comment by: TirzahLaughs - 2007-12-17 18:19
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I love how the old student flashes his teeth at his old teacher in the top part.

Ninja vampires? LOVE THE PREMISE. LOL.

The opening three sentences confused me a bit. I read them twice and then understood what you meant. I didn't know the Sensai was female at first. That you might want to bring in earlier or imply earlier.

I worry about the switch in POV. In such a short piece, do you want to switch POV?

The switch between the he's in section one and two...is abrupt. You could cut out the middle section of the story and incorporate that into the end section and it would play stronger.

I'd space the paragraphs out a bit more so that it is more visually appealing online. Because of the spacing it looks crowded but it isn't.

The vamp in the end seems rather ordinary in personality. He remains shocked...I think it might shift more to fascination. He is the undead after all.

The writing is good. The story idea fantastic. It just needs a little reorganization.

Good Luck with it!
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