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SEANU
Sean Upton
Ireland, Dublin

Words: 66
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Forced upon war

Flying through the open air
My life and plane balance in the sky
My family are in despair
Hoping that I do not die

Fighting for one cost alone
That cause is heavily disguised
I pity most the foolish people
Who havent yet realised

Bullets fly and bombs are dropped
on people I have never met
Hopefully this madness stops
before I befriend myself with death

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Comments  
Comment by: - 2008-06-09 10:31
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hi, I really like this! there are just a few grammatical things I would consider:

Since family is singular, I would say "family is" instead of "family are."
Maybe consider carrying out the abab rhyme scheme you start in the beginning, instead of moving towards the cded and fgfh used in the second and third stanza. just an idea, right now it seems as if there was originally a rhyme scheme but that is wasn't followed throughout the poem. Rhyming doesn't have to have a scheme though, so it's just an idea. The last stanza is especially powerful, way to end on a strong note!
Deby Comment by: Deby - 2008-04-30 12:17
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WOW! that was really good! =D
1

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By SEANU

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