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As a bud I saw the light
hand in hand like pals
we explored the world
At my prime
as the sun rose and fell
I matched its pace with zeal
ignoring the liquid coins it taxed me
and striving to reach its realm
to be paired in its glory
but in fury
its frowning fire greyed my hair
As the night drew nearer
when I hoped to out-rank fortune
light slipped away from my grip
even though I chased with three legs.
Now I crouch evermore in a dark space
bared from the faintest glow;
oh light! Will you come again?
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I like this piece....As for the rhyme scheme Poetry is self expretion...Let the words flow if you try to force it you can tell in your work....I wouldn't worry about the rhyme scheme, for the words in this piece are all you need :)
I read this five times, and I don't see any rhyme scheme...either predictable or slant. If there is rhyme here, then it's very clever.
This doesn't need reworking, the poem is wonderful.
Critique, the only word I question is "furry." Should it be "fury"? It could be that I'm not reading the poem the way you intended.
I do love this, but I find the rhyme scheme a bit off. It's lovely, but with a little re-working it could be great. I'm trying to do the same with some of my older pieces. :)
