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Lies and Stain-Glassed Eyes
They say that eyes are the windows to the soul,
And if that’s true, yours must be stain-glassed
Because I just can’t see in
They say soft lips don’t speak lies,
But this can’t be true, for your words have tricked me so
And your lips felt so gentle upon my own
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Comment by: Hakuna Online- 2008-09-12 14:46
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| These words are so very true. Nice read. |
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Comment by: Darren - 2008-08-19 18:21
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| This is really good, but you might not want to use the word "so" twice in the last two sentences. I would remove the first one, it sounds out of place. Too shakespearish. And while you’re at it, maybe you should change the word "tricked" with "deceived." Trick has less of a negative connotation to it. Kids play tricks on each other and laugh about it. Deceive indicates betrayal or at least deception, both of which are more powerful emotions. But hey, what do I know? Even without these changes it is great. |
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Personally, I feel as though this poem was very good. It seems like it was a tougher look at those subtle lies and hidden things that we all have in our lives. Your poem reminded me of a fortress, hiding behind it, perhaps speaking untruths in order to protect our own hearts while not letting anyone in...but it seems you were the recipient, not the person taking these actions, and that makes it so much harder to understand when in the fire trying to look, trying to break through, only to be held off with a lie, to be blocked out by a massive gate, even if there are windows.
Perhaps this poem is a lot deeper than some saw, or maybe I looked to far into it, but either way, I liked the simplistic nature, but the obvious truths that so many of us have had to deal with in our lives. Well done, and keep it up. |
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Comment by: AJSmith - 2008-04-20 08:13
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| I liked the sentiment in this poem, it felt true. However, it lacked subtlety to be a really good poem - you told us instead of showed us. Perhaps this is something you could watch out for. |
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| Emily this is very good. |
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