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The Last Present - Christmas Karjon Challenge
Tomorrow, the grown children might come to visit for an hour. His ex-wife might tow them along, all of them crammed in the little room awkwardly. But he knows he's alone. Tonight and tomorrow and the next day.
He's asleep in a bed at his father's house. He made the six hundred mile drive with spots on his kidney. With cancer in his prostate. He wanted to stay at their house, his last present. He wanted to be with them, the family. Still, he's alone tonight.
The morning will be another day and they'll wake trying to forget. They don't want him, they don't want him to complicate another Christmas. He's always been sick and it doesn't matter now. They have lives and there are only four stockings on the mantle this year. The world stops for Christmas, but he keeps moving. He's alone tonight.
He's barely able to stand, throwing up from radiation poisoning, tired and grey in the face, can't focus his eyes. All he wants are his car keys back to go and drive and drive until he's far enough away. They put him to sleep and they leave him. They are a family, the four of them. His children, his wife. He is dying.
Alone. Tonight. Tomorrow. And the next day.
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Comment by: Dakota - 2008-01-14 03:03
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I'm not sure why it matters what this is called? To me it is a story told using different strokes - a little mind movie reveling a life, a state of mind that so many are afflicted with during the 'so-called' festive period.
It is beautifully told and tells the story artfully and in a flash you have it all in your mind. Delightful. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2007-12-28 12:36
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'They don't want him to complicate another Christmas' - hints at a fairly bleak backstory for this mc - has he brought this on himself by his previous actions? But you make us care about him, so we are happy to forgive whatever he may have done in the past - and wish that his family could do the same, this one last time.
Another poignant tale - this challenge has brought out a lot sadness and melancholy.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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| in the name of the utter loneliness of the season, i thank you for intuiting the feelings of too many. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2007-12-24 11:58
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| Yeah, reads much stronger now! Don't forget, you can beef it up even more with the reserve of twenty-two words you have. Not that you have to, it's dandy as is, a real heart-tugger. |
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Champagne, I understand your comment. It's funny, I've never written poetry before, nor have I ever deemed myself worthy to try. I just kind of flirt with the line in my prose, though I don't know how.
Thank you all for your kind comments. I thought it was important to write a story that gave the other side of Christmas. The lonely side. Sort of the forgotten man. And I understand what you all say about the repetition. I think I'll take Arley's suggestion and knock the phrases out between first and last and leave those two.
A merry Christmas to you all. |
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