What a night...

I can still smell her perfume.

Typical of all that I have become, and what has been the sum of my life events have come to pass in the most interesting of times.

It's an old saying, tried and true, that you can never go home again. Try, as we might, to recapture lost glories and hopes that re-emerge, we remain in doubt and in limbo, because even if we could go back home again, our experiences in life will not allow us to relive them the same way.

I took the trip.

I climbed into my car and drove all that way, to see old friends that have been my past. The fog is thick tonight, and I can barely see to drive, but I know I can make it. I have been hoping for it for so long.

Sure, I tried to make a new life for myself, but I have not been embraced here. Lately, my thoughts go back to where I am from. After a lifetime of living moving place to place, I had found a home, and forsook it for all of the wrong reasons, no matter how right they might have seemed at the time.

Still, tonight is worth the trip. Through the dense fog, I found my way. Such a dismal place, in an old part of the city, and my nostrils were met with that damp scent I had been so accustomed to before. The threadbare carpeting, the scuffed commercial tile burned with cigarettes butts and stained with all manner of alcohol was a welcome sign that precious few could appreciate.

Right inside the door, my old friend, sitting at the bar with his girlfriend. It was good to see him. Good friends are hard to come by.

He greeted me, but wasted no time declaring, "Yeah, she's been bugging me, saying that you said you would come, but weren't here yet."

I knew who he was talking about, and I had only half-expected her to be there.

I turned my head and there she was, sitting with friends, looking as amazing as she ever had. It had actually been a pleasant surprise, as my faded memories had not done her justice. All in all, my intention was to play it cool. There was no way I was going to be the hyper-active puppy jumping into the laps of people, begging for an attention that was never intended for me.

She saw me, and the smile came across her face.

She bolted toward me, arms open wide. Her smile lit up and she quickly embraced me. Her arms felt comfortable around me, wrapping me in a warm closeness I haven't felt in so long. The past few years had been so lonely, and she was so beautiful.

It amazed me that all of that missing time had disappeared in just a moment.

I relished the embrace, the kisses, and the cooing that followed. I had actually gone there just to see her, but I was playing it cool. There was no reason to tell her.

I was becoming weak, as her hands flowed through my hair. "You're growing your hair long again, and it looks good," she smiled.

All I could do was to back away slightly and gesture toward her, "Look at you! You're amazing!"

The hugs returned with her confessions, "I have missed you so much. I am so glad to see you again."

It took no time whatsoever to break down my wall, so I confessed, "I came out here JUST to see you."

She blushed and smiled in a way I would have never expected from her.

It was at that moment her perfume filled my nostrils, "You smell so good."

I wanted to take it further, but didn't know how. I had become awkward like a fifteen-year-old at the school dance. I didn't know how to react.

I needed a moment to compose, and excused myself to the bar for a drink. My good friend only intercepted me to instruct me, "You really need to wipe that smile from your face."

I had not been aware of how elated I had become. I was truly smiling so genuinely, that I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. Even then, I couldn't stop myself. It had become a realization that I didn't have to.

"Fuck that," I responded. "I deserve this smile. Look at her! I never got a reception like that in my life, and especially from someone like that."

Beautiful.

My Queen Bee.

Elation such as this is rare.

For most of the rest of the night, I spent time handling business, and taking time to pour attention on her. Her soft skin and radiant smile kept my attention at times more that it should have, but I was able to get both business and pleasure done without one taking from the other.

As friends left, I had time to spend more time with her. I only had one more order of business to take care of with another old friend that knew both of us already.

The deed had been done, and my eyes scanned the room for her, nowhere to be found. No matter. She was in the bathroom, or socializing with people, and would be back.

Her friend told me, "She really has to find a better guy than the type she's been seeing."

I could only respond in a way that would be indifferent. "She's your friend, talk to her. Tell her she needs to find someone more responsible. She's better than that."

Her friend only smirked, "I suppose you want me to put in a good word for you?"

I smiled, "No. I wasn't going to say that at all."

I wasn't. It was my intention to make my own move, and try to get her to see me again, but as my eyes continued to peruse the place, she was nowhere to be found.

Yet, I could still smell her perfume.

I made my way to the bar for one last drink, and upon my return, there she was, in the back of the bar, making out with a guy maybe ten years younger than me.

Hmmm....

Disappointed, but not hurt. With all I have been through, it would take more than that to hurt me.

Discouraged, I held my composure and remained a bit longer, socializing, taking a few promotional pictures and shaking a couple of hands. There was no love lost.

But there I was, driving home, my hands clenched tightly onto my steering wheel navigating through the dense fog. It would take me almost two hours to get home through this.

The night replayed itself, and I justified every moment.

Sure, she ended up with someone else, but she had never expressed any interest in me that way before. The fact that I got the attention that I got, I should be grateful for. After all, I had felt so good only a few hours earlier.

The past has taught me that those feelings are fleeting. Happiness is temporary. It has to be. How can we enjoy such moments if we don't know or understand true heartache, as well.

Yet, I had no heartache.

The REO Speedwagon song came on the radio and it released it's love-laden lyrics, and no it hadn't filled me with emotion. The times we have all had when songs like that suddenly make sense had not come over me.

But why?

Is it because she's not that kind of girl? Because I never associated that kind of romance with her? Because I was in denial? Was I feeling anything or not?

I was confused.

Yet, I could still smell her perfume.

Maybe I thought there might still be hope.

She was my queen bee.

I could still smell her perfume.

Falling asleep that night came easy, my thoughts with her, as they would be when I woke up.

Sure, regret filled my mind, that maybe I waited too long to act. Then again, would I have only made a fool of myself?

Should I ever say anything to her at all? Would it end up worse?

The day would start out as confusing as it had ended. As I lay in bed, staring at the pattern on the ceiling, it was an ominous sign.

I could still smell her perfume.

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