 |
 |
 |
| |
Should
I should be running now. That’s how it works; I’ve got the soundtrack of angsty female X singing about missing absent male Y, it’s dark and raining outside, and I’ve just realised that I don’t ever want anyone if I can’t have him. So I should be running. I’m supposed to get there and hammer on the door until he opens it, and stand getting attractively wet as we gaze at each other for a few seconds. Then I’m supposed to proclaim my undying love and the fact that I’m not happy/whole/well/complete without him because I love him with my entire being and nothing and nobody else matters because together we will be happy. Then he’s supposed to stare at me until I’m just beginning to think I’ve wasted my time coming all this way, when suddenly he should smile and step outside in his bare feet to wrap me up in the hugest hug and kiss me for far too long, before telling me he loves me.
I’m supposed to be running. But I’m sitting here. Quite cold and quite alone.
You see, life is a little more complicated than it ever is in fiction. There is no clever twist to explain away that other girl; he really was with her. He actually did replace me in under a month. And it wasn’t my pride or fear or need for independence that broke us up; it was him deciding that it’s “time to walk away”. And I didn’t even take it in a quiet, dignified way. I threw things at him. Then refused to look at him.
But if these things could all be ignored, it still wouldn’t work. Instead of him, his mother would answer the door and tell me that he’s not at his best as he has the world’s largest hangover from drinking until he passed out the night before. Nevertheless, she would lead me to him, and I would feel my resolve weakening slightly as we passed the hole that he punched in the wall last week. Then he would be in front of me. My six foot, ginger, hungover, backslidden, violent, possibly alcoholic, I-don’t-know-who-he-was-with-last-night-and-probably-neither-does-he ex boyfriend.
But even if these things could also be overlooked, it still wouldn’t work. I would come home and announce to the world my happiness at being back with him forever and ever, amen. Then my sister would galumph her way upstairs, slamming every door twice on the way, my dad would say “Oh Hannah!” and develop a permanent frown, and my mum would look at me once and refuse to acknowledge me ever again. I would fail my university course as all of my time would be spent with, thinking about, or texting, him. I would stop going to church in order to spend as many precious seconds as possible with him, which would lead to not reading my poor tattered Bible at all, a sudden decrease in praying and eventually a total renunciation of my faith.
I should be running. But I’m not. Perhaps, finally, I have realised that love cannot overcome all obstacles, is not all you need, cannot cross boundaries set up by others, nor indeed those set by yourself, and it is not the entire reason for the existence of the human race; much as I’d like to believe it can and is.
I am not running, and nothing will make me. But still I hope that some day, I will run.
Want to comment on this Creative Non-Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Creative Non-Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| Thanks for the comment, Decaturboy. The 'I'm sitting here' bit is realy to show the conflict of emotions as sitting is almost as far from running as you can get. But I'll have a think about it, and I will take a look at your suggestions for punctuation now! |
 |
Comment by: frayed - 2008-01-02 07:33
|
|
It feels too selfish. it's way more for the writer than the reader, as a reader i can't even taste a smidgen of that pleasure. It says that life should be about love and it should go a certain way because that is how it is so often depicted, but alas it doesn't and this is the world, sad, lonely and uninteresting. a typical anti-heroine journal entry, but with nothing unique to it. I don't want it to rely on a pre-established connection to the story, even though I live with disillusioned love's lost and unsuccessful attempts to "run" toward something, I can't enjoy this story with what it's given.
a few ways to improve it, i suppose, are: to make it more about 'coulds' rather than 'shoulds' because that will tighten the wording, and take away that confrontation with a cliche story being a post modern anti-cliche. actually paint a picture of what you could do by running up to his door, maybe crush a tulip bush or an orchid in his frontyard, maybe slip over on the rained out lawn or driveway and have him come dashing to your cries where the blood gives tears to hide the real tears, the ones containing all the happy moments you shared, and he wipes them away with a calused hand.
but you just stay sat there, there rain is gonna clear up too soon anyway. He probably won't be home, his mum could answer the door and you'd seem like a stalker, relationships end. they do, all they are is a test drive of your personalities. and quite possibly lose the "you see, life is a lot more complicated than it is in fiction" line because it is too pompous and ignorant. many times fiction is the more complicated, and even if not the case, that is the beauty of life over the dreary fiction, it is forced and manufactured, structured, but life can change on a whim with no heed for cause. |
 |
Comment by: - 2008-01-01 11:30
|
|
Hannah, I really liked the confessional / introspective quality of this piece. I can feel the MC's angst come through quite readily; the internal debate is quite palpable (and certainly strikes a universal chord). Very well written and though provoking!
Crits / comments (as you'll see, I'm a bit conflicted about some of them):
//But I’m sat here.// I'm not sure if this wording is unique to the UK, but did you mean //But I'm still here.//?
//Nevertheless she// comma needed after "Nevertheless" (I think); others may disagree
//if these things too could be overlooked,// the "too" here seems awkward; maybe replace with "also"
//forever and ever amen// suggest a comma after "ever"
//would galumph// always love the word "galumph" :-)
//“oh Hannah!”// capital "O" seems more correct
//thinking about, or texting him// suggest: (a) comma after "texting"; since "him" is the object of both verbs or (b) no comma at all. I tend to lean toward (b)
//with him. Which would// starting the sentence with "Which" gives the sentence a fragmented feel; such it be joined wuith the previous sentence
//eventually a total// comma needed after //eventually//? |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
