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"Then...They where gone," By Derrick Kuebler
“Then…They where gone,” By, Derrick Kuebler
The gallows man hums the hymn of death silently underneath his breath, waiting for the chime of the church bells. She stands on the trapdoor, the noose snugly around her neck, accused of witch craft and heresy. She is fragile, a black widows web in the darkness of a musty old basement long abandoned. Yet she is also innocent, a baby dead at birth, umbilical cord strangling the life out of it. The chiming of the church bells interrupts her final prayers to the great creators. The snapping of her neck echoes through the silent crowded courtyard. Although she is dead her eyes stare blankly into the gleeful eyes of her arrogant audience. Offered not even a proper burial, she was left hanging to become the delight meal for a murder of crows.
The End...
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im afraid this work is the definition of show v tell.
its all tell. really hard to read... its as monolog.
i know.... in your head its great, but its not being expressed on paper.
its your sentence structure that needs work.
most writing is real time action expressed with subject verb construction. its basic and key and taught everywhere.
it hasnt clicked for you yet.
She is fragile, a black widows web in the darkness of a musty old basement long abandoned. Yet she is also innocent, a baby dead at birth, umbilical cord strangling the life out of it.
//all talk.
The lens of the movie camera mirrored Wonderville Tanning; her black hair gleamed against pale skin; ribbon of bra, swatch of panties. As she breathed, shadows shifted under her breasts, along her torso. A tiny, curlicued shadow quivered in her navel.
//all show. its just a chick standing in front of a movie camera breathing lol.. but its a nonstop picture dream, its all action..
why?
its subject verb. its just basic writing tek.
try it.
theres literally one sentence in here thats show.
the snapping of her neck echoes through the silent crowded courtyard.
/thats good.
guess why? its
subject verb.
the snap of her neck echoes through the silent crowded courtyard.
//consider snap..
avoid the weaker 'ing' form when you can.
just.. study what you did in that sentence. look how simple it is. its action happening, it paints a moving picture.
you want to string some chains of those sentences together.
wind boosted the sound of rustling leaves.
everything is action.
thanks,
laterz,
T |
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Comment by: Casper - 2008-01-03 00:51
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| Well put...Haha I admire your thinking process... |
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| Very dark. Tells it as it was and takes no prisoners. I suppose back in medieval times, I assume, people were scant on scientific answers to anything seemingly unnatural or tragic, and searched for a scape goat to their problems. Blaming people for witchcraft was easy and did not require any real proof. The innocent died at the hands of the guilty. |
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Comment by: Casper - 2008-01-02 21:21
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| Thanks for the imput...I'll edit it when I get more time on my hands... |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-01-02 16:44
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First, title should be Then... They (Were) Gone
Interesting opening line, sets the tone for the darkness forecoming. Didn't like:
"...hums the hymn of death (silently) underneath his breath..." - the quiet of his humming is already implied in 'underneath his breath' - so it's a bit of overkill with silently, plus, how can someone hum silently, except in their head?
"... a black widow(')s web..." - needs apostrophe
There's some solid, dark images here, but the piece as whole feels more like a scene than a story - no real plot, just a death. Maybe expand a little more to get something more poignant.
happy writings. |
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