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Highfield
I can walk from my room past the cuckoo clock,
past the picture of the Pope and bedroom doors
with no rooms behind, past the head of the stairs
where Grandmaman sat me on my potty, down
the staircase where I waited, barred
behind banister rails, into the too bright too new
playroom, poisoned to me now because I broke
the Chinese plate. The playbox has an inside but
no outside. In the kitchen, where my mother cried,
spilt Ovaltine sizzles on the Raeburn hot plate. Outside,
tall firs comb the wind. Papa's glasses lie beneath the ash tree.
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| Thanks Janet. I think this poem is a bit crudely made. In fact it's barely a poem; the poetic element is in the images, some word sounds such as "oo", and the rhythm that accounts for the line breaks. But line breaks should be to bring about a very slight pouse, and in my poem there's no need to pouse between, for instance, new and playroom. I just feel with this one the theme is so painful to me that I don't have the heart to re-enter the poem and tinker with it. But I must do that one day. Thanks again. |
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I like this one, too, but the line breaks seem a bit off. I usually break with phrases so they are complete. It really helps. I love the line:
"Outside, tall firs comb the wind." Eloquent. Makes a beautiful picture. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
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| I sure do! Even though now my grandson is sitting on his. :) |
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| Nope! The potty stays! Doesn't everybody remember being sat on a potty?!?!? |
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Comment by: champagne Online- 2008-01-13 18:54
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| I can smell the dust motes as they dance in that sunbeam smeared across the hall runner. Really strong imagery in this John. I think you could make it a bit stronger through losing the reference to potty training though, IMO it stretches the credibility of the memory associated with the balustrade since it seems to reflect back so far. I'm glad to have read this. Thanks for sharing it. |
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