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Informal Grae
Graeme Sandford
United Kingdom, HAMPSHIRE, Totton

My Bookshop
Words: 148
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Escape From The Country

“I know the way,“ you say; but soon are lost.

We came along this path an hour ago;

And so we end the day alone, adrift,

The same as once before, when we were young.

I blow upon our hands to keep them warm;

Your shame is such that you to silence hold.

 

We sleep the night under the mocking sky

Until we wake to try our way again.

“Just keep the sun to left and we’ll be fine,”

But still we roam the land in loss divine.

And steep the climb, and wide the flow we cross,

From hill to moor, past lake and forest new.

 

We tire and fade, no more our step in time,

And sun, grown high, does now decline and drop.

Expire and halt, we share our lot, and then…

Undone, we call for help, and wait for son.


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Comments  
Informal Grae Comment by: Informal Grae - 2008-01-15 03:56
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16-line sonnet - see George Meredith and others for examples.

Thank you for your kind words, Cheryl - I'm blushing and my head has expanded a little bit

Grae:)
alien Comment by: alien - 2008-01-15 03:06
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This is GREAT.

First 16 line sonnet I've ever seen, though. It should be 14 lines, grae. Sorry.

However, it's a great poem anyway and this is why I liked it:

You have the most cheeky way of bending the rules - when I say I want the first WORD of the line to rhyme, you make the first couple of words rhyme, which softens the effect in a pleasant way (even though it's technically cheating, I like it).

Plus, you've stuck to a nice rhythm which mimics the trudging action described in the poem.

There's some lovely internal full and slant rhymes that really liven the piece up: line 1-3 way/say/came/day & ago/alone
lines 4-7 we/keep/sleep (and that drags over into the new stanza, which is a nice touch)

Nice linking sounds: land-loss-cross

Nice link between sun and son, too, where it says sun grown high, alluding to a rescue by a grown up son as well. It's quite clever, that.


In some places, the word order suffered and could sound less forced as it tried its best to fit into that metre, but it's a minor point. Something to work on at your leisure.

I enjoyed this piece - I got a lot more from it as well, but I am too lazy to type the rest up as time is scarce.

Well done!
Rosie Sandler Comment by: Rosie Sandler - 2008-01-08 13:59
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You see, I like that better. But do you? And what about everyone else? (Guilt is an awkward bedfellow.)
Informal Grae Comment by: Informal Grae - 2008-01-08 13:41
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No, carry on, Rosie, I need all the help I can get before Cheryl gets here and rips my humble words to shreds. It is strange not going for that end rhyme. Some did appear but were unceremoniously bashed over the head, carted off and buried in an old dictionary somewhere.

Thanks again, Rosie.
Rosie Sandler Comment by: Rosie Sandler - 2008-01-08 13:28
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Hello again! I like the way you've made only a slight change to the silence hold line, but it reads better.

Would you hate me if I said even spangly is a bit disappointing? I was hoping it might be something else... an aching sky or an uncaring or dizzying (too many syllables) sky, or a callous sky... but maybe I'm now putting my voice over yours, and I should not have come between you and your starry sky, as appreciated by Van Gogh and Don MacLean(sp?).

I've just noticed the punctuation after 'we share our lot' - is that a full-stop that needs changing?
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Bookshop

"Myths From The Mists Of Time"

by Graeme Sandford



There was a time when knights travelled the land in search of...

Visit that time again in these five works from the mind of informal grae.

Enter upon a small quest in anticipation of strange adventures to behold.






(All proceeds to charity)

Myths From The Mists Of Time

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By Informal Grae

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