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Speaking as a solo sailor who has been covered by waves many times, I must say I enjoyed this poem. The fourth stanza about "the harmony of water" is evocative. While submerged beneath the sea, there comes a fleeting moment when the walls to the next world grow thin ... and I have been been tempted to step through. I admire the fact that you write so well in English. Although my spoken German is fluent, I can only write emails!
Olaf |
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| I have edited the poem a bit and made use of John's remarks. Thanks for the advice! |
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Comment by: 7thSon - 2008-01-10 09:57
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| Great rythm,,, I hope this doesn't sound too obscure, I actually found the poem fascinating read backwards/ in reverse... try it. |
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| Buddhists say that the best way to save a drop is to throw it into the ocean! I like realisation poems. Somehow it's easier to see how one was than how one is. I think you have tried too hard to make things rhyme in this poem. Would you otherwise have used the word "frown"? Also, "save" in the second and sixth verses is not good English - it should be "safe". Also, look at the last two lines of verse two. I don't think anyone would say that; the diction is not credible - that is the most difficult thing when you write in another language. The English in particular are so aware of exactly how things are said - it says more about a person than what they are saying (I'm not saying this is a good thing!) |
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| the is very interesting I can relate to "Everyone getting control over me".....Great reading :) |
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