The Waiting Game
By: Samantha Ashby


I wasn’t nervous about the test at least that’s what I kept telling myself. However deep down knew that the test was only the beginning whether or not it came back negative or positive. In the end that was all outweighed by the desire to know the result. I didn’t even think about until Stacy died.

You see He wasn’t diagnosed until about three months before he died, yet they say he was HIV positive for at least five years. However he never had any symptoms so it went undiagnosed. I probably should have gotten myself tested right then, instead I threw myself into taking care of him.

He’s been dead almost a month now and I not only need the truth for myself but for him as well. The night he died he made me promise to get myself tested. I told him I would, kissed his brow, and then I curled up beside him on the bed. We lay there like that hinged between life and death. Then death’s knock came at three in the morning, I knew because he grabbed my hand and said, “It’s time.” I nodded and told him it was okay. Then the love of my life Stacy James Cauler died on Dec. 26, 2005. After he’d given me the biggest gift of all, one more night with him, all in all it was the best and worst Christmas I’ve ever had.

With the image of my promise to him in my head I pulled the keys out the ignition, shut my car door, and walked into the Portland Health Clinic. As I moved through the waiting room people that I’d met when I first brought Stacy called out to me.

“Hey there, I thought you’d be done with this place by now,” said Tim a man who helped run the clinic.

“Not quite yet,” I replied numbly.

“How you doing, Liz?”

“I’m doing alright,” I said as I sat down next to Josie, 30 yr old ex-heroin addict that’s had HIV for about 10 years now.

Then I sat silently and waited for them to call my name. When they did I made the quick walk to the exam room and they performed the test. It was over rather quickly, and then they sent me home promising to call as soon as the results were in. I went home and waited by myself as the dreaded waiting game began.

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