Chuck, The Tiny Nosferatu
*2ND DRAFT*
Prologue:
The man cracked an egg into a plastic bowl. Something fell out of the egg, something that nature, and indeed the farm shop from where it was purchased, hadn't supposed would be there.
He peered down and after adjusting his heavily scratched spectacles he squinted at the thing that had fallen from the egg. He couldn't quite comprehend what he was seeing.
It was a tiny Nosferatu; a vampiric creature of Eastern European legend, bald with long elf-like ears, hunched posture and terrible red eyes. Clawed hands and impossibly sharp pointed teeth, that act as tools for an eternal hunger for human blood. All this in a creature no taller than the empty jar of Acacia honey (mild and delicate, ideal for sweetening hot beverages) in the middle of the table!
This remarkably petite creature unfurled itself, brushing away large gloops of egg yolk with tiny, spindly hands, and glared up at the man.
"Papa." he said in a rasping, sneering whisper.
The man, leaning towards the creature for closer inspection, chuckled, giggled even. He was fatally ignorant of the impending threat as he rocked back in his gnarled wooden chair and said,
"You're the cutest little thing I've ever seen in my life! But you should have a name, lad. I must give you a name. Now let's see, you look like, no."
The man trailed off, scratching his grey stubbled chin with the stocky fingers.
"Then again, I supposed ye could be a, no that wouldn't be appropriate."
The creature looked on, motionless, unblinking.
"Hang on, I've cracked it!** you look like a Chuck. Aye, that's settled, Chuck! Now let's get you out of those there egg-soaked clothes."
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Alas, the man had cracked his last egg. He died that night, bled to death from the puncture wounds he received when Chuck bit his neck as he slept.
The diminutive murderer fled the scene and was not seen again for several weeks.
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When Chuck did reappear, he was spotted in "raggedy clothes with heavy but patchy stubble". Little did anyone know that his reappearance would trigger such a chilling, nay catastrophic series of events.
**In this case, the pun was not intended. Indeed, it went by wholly unnoticed by both parties present.
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*1ST DRAFT, kept here for reference*
The man cracked an egg into a plastic bowl. Something fell out of the egg, something that nature, and indeed the farm shop from where it was purchased, hadn't supposed would be there.
The man peered down and, adjusting his heavily scratched spectacles, squinted at the thing that had fallen from the egg. He couldn't quite comprehend what he was seeing.
It was a tiny Nosferatu.
This remarkably petite creature unfurled itself and glared up at the man.
"Papa.", he said in a rasping whisper.
"Papa, te voy a hecer picadillo." **
The man, not at all fluent in Spanish or indeed any language away from his thick Northern English dialect, chuckled, giggled even. He was fatally ignorant of the deadly threat just issued as he leaned towards the miniature vampire and said,
"You're the cutest little thing I've ever seen in my life! I should very much like to give you a name. Now let's see, you look like, let me think, you look like a Chuck. There, that's settled, Chuck! Now let's get you out of those there egg-soaked clothes."
-----------------------------
Alas, the man had cracked his last egg. He died that night, bled to death from the puncture wounds he received when Chuck bit his neck as he slept.
The diminutive murderer fled the scene and was not seen again for several weeks.
-----------------------------
When Chuck did reappear, he was spotted in "raggedy clothes with heavy but patchy stubble". Little did anyone know that his reappearance would trigger such a chilling, nay catastrophic series of events.
**This is thought to be a Spanish phrase, roughly translated as "Father, I'm going to turn you into mincemeat!"
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Wow, so many helpful critiques, I almost don't know where to start!
There are suggestions here that I would really like to expand upon actually, so if you bear with me, I'll be tinkering with the idea over the next couple of weeks or so.
Thanks again! |
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Comment by: Juan2 Online- 2008-01-11 19:31
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haha, this is a very funny, very easy to read, and likely very enjoyable, idea for a story. I really hope you do expand on this b/c it's got the makings for something great (subtropic's got some cool ideas to work with, too!).
couple of little things I saw:
"...sharp pointed teeth(,) that act..." - don't need that comma there
"'Papa(.)' he said..." - need a comma there
"He was fatally ignorant of the impending threat as (_) rocked back in his gnarled wooden chair and said(,)" - seems like you're missing a 'he' in the first part, and at the end, that should probably be a colon if you're going to start the dialogue on the next paragraph (though I'm not sure here, you may wanna look that one up).
"I've cracked it!** (y)ou look like..." - 'you' should be capitalized (funny pun though, intentional or not - though I hope the finished product doesn't have that sidenote, makes it less funny, I think)
Other'n that, great start and keep up the good work.
happy writings. |
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Great concept for a story, or a series of little stories.
Since he just came out an egg... you can't help but wonder about his origins (which came first, the vampire or...)
That's a big jump from egg to the old guy's demise. Maybe he should imprint on the guy, but when the old man takes his dentures out he realizes... he's not his father.
Possibly explore the difficulty of being taken seriously if you're tiny. Perhaps he applies for a job under some kind of disability program. I see him filling out forms in government bureaucracies, getting a menial job of some kind, leading a double life, girlfriends, trendy clubs.
Have fun with it! |
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Oh my, this is adorable! I'm not sure what kind of story you intend this to be but I could totally see this with illustrations (perhaps not on every page, but a few). Brilliant.
Also, as a Spanish speaker, I can tell you that what you're trying to say is "¡Papa, te voy a hacer picadillo!" (there should be an upside down exclamation mark in the front). I like that phrase so it'd be cute if you added it back in. Good luck, I can't wait to read more. |
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Comment by: umbrae - 2008-01-11 16:00
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The “Papa” bit is hilarious, you should keep it as it is in the first draft, only look up the gramatically correct way to say: "Father, I'm going to turn you into mincemeat!" in Spanish.
I would find it even funnier though if you don’t kill off Papa’s character right away, especially since he doesn’t take Chuck’s threats seriously. Maybe later, as Chuck goes on to his murderous ventures (or binges?), Papa tries to keep him from getting into trouble and tries to stop him from killing people, but of course with little or no success. Something along that line. |
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