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"Clipped"
'Clipped'
I'm falling
Rapidly through the
Summer sky.
Way above from
What can be seen
With any mortal eye.
My faults
Have risen from my past.
That is what started
This fall that is horribly fast.
The earth rapidly approaching
In which I'll clash into
Without anyone noticing.
Laying upon the soil
My back still bleeding
From all those times I did spoil.
I can now only pray
God shall forgive me.
I can no longer hear
The delightful song that
Bird repeatedly sings.
Because of my foolishness
God clipped my wings.
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| I love this one. I could see what you were saying. Teh imagery is great. Thank you for sharing. |
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I really like this. Good imagery and nice flow, and there's a part of the reader that's kept guessing to the end.
xRaven |
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| The last line wraps it up perfect and adds depth to the first half. |
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Comment by: jakemac - 2006-11-02 23:11
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| i really see no redeeming quality in this poem, i'm sorry, but, keep trucking shooter |
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I loved this poem, but I do have a few suggestions to make.
"Way above from" in the first stanza... That line confused me for a second. Perhaps "Far above from" would flow better?
Also in the second stanza:
"That have started
This fall that is horribly fast" sounds a little forced because of the 'that is' in there.
"And started
This fall, so horribly fast" Might read easier.
Those are just a few suggestions; I'm really not an expert either. But as to the poem in it's entirtity, I really loved it. It relays a very sad, regretful image, and that always appeals to me. The last line especially, was inspired. Thank you so much for sharing, and sorry I had to start out on a critical note. =) Hope to read more of your work.
-RLT |
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"Revenge is Sweet"
Dru Sullivan is an ordinary woman with an ordinary life until she meets Elena Ceausescu and falls in love with her. Together, they embark on a perilous journey to save their relationship and the world from complete annihilation.
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