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All Eyes
Her eyes sparkled like the diamond on her chest,
her hair perfect every strand in place,
the dress she wore fit every curve perfectly falling to the floor with ease,
she was the woman that no one knew,
but wanted a chance to meet,
the envy of the women and every man’s dream
she was perfect in every way and all eyes were on her.
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I think it's too short. I would continue another stanza telling about the beast within but I love horror. Some lines that would counteract the ones you put in the first stanza like: after her eyes sparkling...(throught the window to her mind, evil lurked unexpectively)
second one:Her hair perfect... (alternative: But anxiety would soon remove it physically with her hands in a death grip)
That's my opinion though. |
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| This may be cliche and overdone, but I am a woman that loves the fairy tale and I believe you can't mess with the classics.... |
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This has a nice rhymthm and flow to it, but the images you use are extremely cliched and a little over the top. "Sparkling like diamonds" is such a well-known and well-used idea that they've named a knock-off perfume after them; a kiss of death for a poetry phrase, to my mind. Same goes for dresses perfectly fitting each curve, and being every man's blank and every women's blank.
The idea is a lovely one, but I think you should stretch a little more with the execution of it. |
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| I love this Very well written Glad to see you are writting more than just lyrics now:) |
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Comment by: Vanessa - 2008-01-11 13:02
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| "She was the woman that no one knew, but wanted a chance to meet" Love this. It's so true, most people come across others they wish they could get to know. "All Eyes" is a good title. Eyes are everywhere, looking, wondering, etc. Lovely piece, thanks for sharing it! |
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