10. X/1999
A rare miss on CLAMP’s part, this movie is dry, dull, and really ugly to look at. All the characters seem as though they’ve had an overdone rhinoplasty at the hands of a drunken surgeon, as well as being starved for the better part of a century.

But no! That’s not all! These lanky, huge-eyed individuals wander through their mysterious world (a mysterious and foreboding place called “Tokyo”), sprouting off ridiculous monologues about dreams or love or some shit. They then proceed to fight, seemingly for no apparent reason, and then they die. The death of these characters could well be seen as the highlight of the film, which is no great achievement for any anime.

The animation is decent to look at, but in the greater scheme of things, it’s definitely not enough to fix this melodramatic mess of a film. Even the most die-hard of CLAMP fans should avoid it.

9. Love Hina
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a nerd.
His name was Ken Akamatsu. He was short, smelly, ugly and had a big pair of glasses. As such, and sensibly so, he remained alone mostly all the time, sitting in his bedroom. There is only one thing for a nerd to do when he is alone in his room: beat off to hentai.

Unfortunately for Ken, and for the rest of the world, 4chan had not yet been invented, so he was forced to create his own series strictly for masturbatory purposes. The main character, Keitaro, looks and acts suspiciously similar to Ken himself. Even the name is similar, really.

Coincidence? I think not.
The story is as simple as one would expect: nerdy boy sent to live with hot women under ridiculous circumstances, zany comedy ensues! That is, if by “zany comedy” you meant “Keitaro sees the girls undressing.”

Even the girls, which are usually the highlight of harem series, are boring. We’ve got gratuitous lolicon girl, crazy samurai girl, punch-the-lead-in-the-face girl, and the exotic girl with “hilariously” bad grammar.

The only decent characters are the chain-smoking house owner and the sleazy alcoholic writer girl, who get used so little that they’re hardly worth talking about. It’s a beat-off show, with a plot written whilst beating off.

8. Inuyasha
If you were doing any degree of internet browsing about two years ago, you would have been in one of two categories: the Inuyasha lovers, and the Inuyasha haters. It was a phenomenon spanning teenaged girls and boys alike (although admittedly mostly girls.)
They were as prevalent and as irritating as what we now call “Narutards”, but I’ll touch base on that later.

The fact of the matter was that Inuyasha was a phenomenon.
There are a few simple things required in creating a phenomenon: a simple plot that goes on way beyond its time, completely flat characters, an extremely effeminate boy, and a slot on Cartoon Network. Inuyasha had all of these things, and within three hours of its first English broadcast, it had forty million rabid fangirls.

No, really, I’m serious.

For those of you luckily unaware of its story, Inuyasha runs as follows.
A girl with a short skirt falls down a well and meets a furry boy. He is dark and turbulent, but she knows there’s good inside of his heart. A jewel gets broken, they have to find the pieces, and along the way they encounter a pervert monk, a mini-furry and a chick with a boomerang. There’s really nothing else going on here.

To be fair, the first thirty episodes are somewhat decent, but it ran for one hundred episodes and about a dozen movies. Not even Cowboy Bebop could have sustained a run like that, and it becomes teeth-grindingly painful towards the end.

7. Dragon Ball Z
A wise online encyclopedia once told me: “The internet is populated almost entirely by thirteen year old boys and sixteen year old girls.” If my own research serves, this concept is true. DBZ is just as much a craze as Inuyasha ever was, and while one tapped into the female market, the other tapped into the male.

To be fair, the original Dragon Ball is actually quite funny, given that it didn’t take itself too seriously. Its sequel, on the other hand, is little more than grunting and shouting, all taken in complete earnest intensity, and inspiring many crass jokes along the way. (Dragon BALLS? I mean, really.)

This show, which ran for way longer than it ought to have, has basically no plot, very poor character design and animation, and sets itself up for ridicule. Every character is a muscleman too large to be any sort of attractive, and every fight scene is highly predictable.

Punches will be thrown.
People will fly.
Planets will explode.
Goku will die and be brought back to life.

The only reason why this doesn’t place higher on the list is becomes it’s fundamentally inoffensive, and the fact that some of the secondary characters are highly appealing.


6. Fighting Foodons
Some genres are not, understandably, to my own personal taste. I’m not a great fan of shojo romance, for instance, as I find it too slow-paced and derivative. This does not mean, however, that they’re bad shows. They have lots of good points that appeal to certain people, and I can respect that.

One genre I just can’t wrap my head around, though, is the “shounen tournament” anime.
It’s written for ten-year old boys, and it’s certainly presented as such. There’s lots of bloodless, magical violence, random people cheering from the sidelines, an irritating commentator, and an equally annoying main character with the desire to be the best at some sort of fighting and collecting game.

Coincidentally enough, everyone else in the whole damn world wants to be the best as well. Our plucky young hero must fight his way to the top, and learn valuable life lessons along the way blah blah blah.

I’m going to be honest-- I adored Pokemon during its original run. I was the biggest fan around, and I’d obsess constantly over ever episode. Aaw, hell, I was a little kid, cut me some slack. It was a cute concept, really, and I still watch it on occasion.

I was eleven years old when I saw this show, and I was appalled beyond any degree of belief. The mind character, an obvious Ash clone, wants to be a master battle chef, or something to that end.

In order to do so, he has to create recipe monsters and send them out to battle by throwing out recipe cards. It could have been a cute and silly parody, but they’re serious. It should be noted that his primary fighter is a hideous beast called “Fried Ricer.”

Like, what the fuck were they smoking when they made this pile of shit?
It’s ugly, overdone, stupid and insults my [admittedly pathetic] childhood. The only time that this show should be watched is with a couple of drunken friends.

And you’d have to be really drunk to enjoy this one.

5. Saiyuki
Yaoi has a place in anime culture, to be sure. Providing a pornographic outlet for countless female fans worldwide, not to mention female artists and writers, yaoi is a very good thing. Not in copious amounts, no, but it has its place, same as hentai.

Most popular series have a few yaoi implications, or characters that people believe bear certain closeness. Most of these pairings are totally arbitrary, and are rather annoying as a consequence. I mean, if I see one more Iruka/Itachi fanfiction, someone’s going to get it.
And I don’t mean in the ass, either.

Then there are the series with the sole intent of yaoi in mind. Saiyuki is one such series. The characters are a bumper set of pretty boys: the young one, the moody one, the flirty one, and the smart one. None of them seem to possess any (cough) physical flaws, much to the delight of countless fangirls everywhere. Seriously-- these guys are anime’s answer to boy bands.

The plot of the series is the kind of thing that people are so fond of mocking, ridden with half-demons, full-demons, obscure references to Asian culture, and generally effeminate looking men. What’s worse is that it’s somewhat based on the novel “Journey to the West”, which was actually quite entertaining, in its initial form.

Any series that makes me want to gouge the main characters’ eyes out is not one to be watched by anyone in a fit state of mind, really. Damn pretty boys, being so damn pretty.


4. DearS
Anime is territory consistently riddled with fetishes. It’s an undeniable fact, as they show up in even the most legit of productions: angry girls, girls with glasses, long-haired boys, “young” girls, and bad boys. Most of these attractions are harmless and inoffensive (with the exception of the whole lolicon thing), but every so often, a series crosses the line.

By this I mean the slave fetish. No matter which way you swing it, it’s dehumanizing someone to some extent, bordering on psychotic. When it appears as a subplot or plays no major role to the story, it’s unpleasant. When it’s the mainstay of the series, you know that it’s going to be a brutal ride.

DearS is one such series. Anyone who believes women to be equal to men, even slightly, should steer far clear of this series. It’s offensive, perverted, and the lingeringly disturbing.

The content is similar to that of any “moe” production: fan service, physical comedy, ect. Where the series boils down to pure evil is at its plot. A girl, some sort of alien, I think, kisses a high school boy and begs to become his slave. Wacky antics ensue!

This is one of the most vile, disgusting pieces of animation that I have ever had the misfortune to watch. Even as you roll your eyes at all the awfulness, there’s this disturbing sense that people actually find this arousing. This, more than anything, is the most disturbing part of all.

On an unrelated note, one of the episodes is titled “Let’s Have an Orgy!”
I leave the rest to the dark masses of your minds.

4 1/2. AIR
God, just look at their faces, would you?

3. Naruto
Within two minutes of posting this list, I will be the most hated person on the internet. Just watch. So, ladies and gents, why does Naruto make my list? Lots of reasons, really. Hunker down, my charmingly naïve comrades, and we’ll review.

The characters, of course, are the biggest and most significant flaw in the show. Nearly all programmes named after the main character (with the exception of Lupin the Third) are nearly guaranteed to suck. Inuyasha? Yep. Sailor Moon? Affirmative. Naruto? Likewise.

For those of you that live under rocks, the story is about a blonde ninja in an orange jumpsuit. That on its own should be enough to turn you off a series, but no! It gets better. Our lead-- let’s call him “Naruto”-- wants to be the leader of his ninja village. To do this, he must be the best ninja of all, by fighting off other ninjas in one-on-one combat. Does this sound vaguely reminiscent of Pokemon? Why, yes, it does.

Naruto is joined by Emo Boy and Annoying Girl, who must commentate constantly from the sidelines about every passing piece of action. Say, for instance, that a punch is thrown. In a good anime, our hero would deflect the punch, or get hit, bleed, and punch back. Ninjas, however, are much more complicated than that! They must announce their attack beforehand; make a bunch of cocked-up hand signs, then have some magical wind flow around them.

The onlookers will gasp or make shocked faces, most likely in split-screen mode. Something along the lines of “No! Not the yackawackamojojojo!” will be stated by one of the older characters. They will then proceed to explain, while the character gets the shit beaten out of them.

Again, I’ll be the most hated person on the internet by the time this is over.
Moreso than the awful plot are the annoying characters. The titular lad is beyond irritating, as are his ninja comrades. They can nearly all be described in a word: Emo Boy, Annoying Girl, Shy Girl, Eyebrow Boy, Mysterious Teacher Man, Emo Boy Mark Two (red hair edition), Fat Guy, ect.

There is nothing endearing about this series. Everything has been done before, all the fight scenes are too long, the animation is bad, and the environments are extremely dull. Everything looks as though it’s been thrown together simply to make money, which is probably true.

Another element indirectly related to the series is, of course, the fanbase. As anyone knows, a bad fanbase can ruin your impressions of the show forever after. You know, back in primary school, when all of the ugly kids started wearing bracelets like yours, it wasn’t cool anymore? Yeah, like that. The Naruto diehards, affectionately nicknamed “Narutards”, are the daftest species on the internet.

Not only can they not realize the flaws of their favourite show, they also proceed to shove their love of the series down everyone else’s throat, all the time. Without the fans, Naruto would just be another half-decent shounen fighter. Thanks to the fans, it makes my list of the worst anime of all time.

Nice job, guys.

2. Angelic Sanctuary
As you may have noticed, I have no great fondness for pretty boys in any form. My mom once told me: “Never date a boy that’s prettier than you are.” Needless to say, I’ve never had the chance to use this advice, but I bear it in mind when I watch cartoons and ignore my youth slipping away.

Angelic Sanctuary is completely inhabited by bishies. There are men who look like women, men who think they are women, men who disguise themselves as women, and so on. Pardon me for being fussy, but I personally like to be able to define between my genders, thanks.

The character designs are unnerving enough, but I can turn a blind eye to a little harmless cross-dressing. No, the biggest problem with this story is the plot, which will cause even the most hardened of individuals to shudder a little.

Simply put, the main character, Setsuna, wants to have sex with his sister.
There, I said it. It’s been said.

There are incest-related undertones in a lot of anime: the whole “little sister” fetish is a very common one, unfortunately. This, however, is the largest and most blatant use of incest to a plot. It’s not just an off-side thing; it’s the most significant element in the story.

Not only that, but it’s handled very heavy-handedly.
This could have been very thought-provoking and interesting, but instead, it becomes a squirm-worthy special, wrought with bad dialogue and plenty of awkwardness. It made me sick to my stomach, which very few things are able to do. Kudos to you, Angelic Sanctuary, you’re a fucking creepy show.

1. Eiken
What is there that’s bad about Eiken? Well, that’d be a long list, so it’s best to start with what’s good: it is short. The entire monstrosity only clocks in at about an hour, although that is one hour of my life that I will never get back. Well, that and the twelve weeks of therapy I had to take after watching it.

This two-episode OAV is a perfect example of everything an anime should not do. All directors and future creators, take heed: do the exact opposite of Eiken, and you will do well in your career.

I suppose I ought to elaborate as to why the show is so bad. A mere glance at the concept art should suffice: they all have huge boobs. Now, I have nothing against boobs-- I sport a fairly sizable pair of my own, and anime would be lacking something without the larger-than-average ones fanboys revel in.

This, however, is just plain repulsive. Not only would all of these characters face severe lower back problems in future life, but they look as though they’re some sort of alien beasts. As expected, every step they take leads to colossal jiggling. I personally believe that they’re using them to communicate to the mothership by means of vibrations, but that’s just me.

But on to the plot, if you could go so far as to call it that. The school’s resident loser boy, completely devoid of any personality, trips and lands in the main character’s alien tumour breasts. This “zany” and “hilarious” turn of events causes him to be drafted into the mysterious Eiken Club. What’s so mysterious about it? Absolutely fuck all.

That’s the story, but there really is no story, here. It’s all about the mammories. They wiggle, bounce, squash things, get grabbed, and so on and so forth. There’s no character development, no motivation, and more pantieshots then you can shake a stick at.

To have a series created solely for fanservice is a bad idea in concept, but in execution, it’s even worse. Every scene is misogynistic and uncalled for, and will likely offend even the most vehement of sexual liberals. Every single item of food is a phallic symbol, every plot development a ploy to further sexual contact, and every character a soulless pair of breasts on legs.

What’s worse is the fact that it’s all supposed to be fuuny. Look! The waterslide is covered in vanilla yoghurt! It looks like semen! Now the girls look as though they’re covered in semen! Isn’t that just the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?

It’s not, if you were wondering.
This series should not be watched by anyone at any point in time. There is nothing good, funny, entertaining or even remotely watchable, here. Those looking for something to fap to would be better off just watching regular hentai, rather than this trash. It’s disgusting, misogynistic, perverted and ultimately soul-destroying. The creators should be circumcised with a pair of garden shears and strung up by their armpit hairs.

Should you ever encounter anyone admitting to being an Eiken fan, beat them with the nearest blunt object. You’re doing your country a service.

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