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Not Guilty
Here it is. Bitterness escapes me, as does all anger and sorrow. All that’s left is madness, with hints of fear in each short cycle of thought. My god, I think, is it too late?
I think of that rich bastard, still out there, drunken and smiling with what he’s accomplished, the thirst he’s ceased and the danger he’s avoided. Bitterness returns.
The pastor’s still reading. It’s a passage from Psalms, I can remember the same words from my mother’s lips, read to me as a child wrapped tightly in bed. Sorrow returns.
I look around to see the provost staring at me through the glass. Dear god, I think, it’s too late.
Madness returns. Laughter slips from my mouth quicker than the gas can enter. I don’t struggle to hold my lungs or close my throat, just laugh and laugh and gaze into his eyes.
He’s terrified.
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"Ceased" works, but I think it's the wrong case; also it sounds like the rich man has decided to quit thirsting rather than having, even temporarily, satisfied it. Perhaps "quenched" would be the better word ... nearly the same sound, same number of syllables, although it 'quenched' does incorporate a diphthong that is rather more (sensuous) tongue work ... although, if the rich man IS the perpetrator, the diphthong word may be the better. But it is your poem and you can do with it what you wish. Sometimes the peculiarities of usage (idiosyncrasies) are what make a poem/poet great.
The story IS interesting. Mysterious. I like to think that the protagonist actually committed the crime, but is innocent by reason of insanity. This is not to say that insane folks are not quite intelligent. The rich guy is a lawyer? Is the perpetrator?
I agree with redtwinsis that lingering mystery makes a good read ... especially if the writer knows the exact truth and all the pieces fit nicely into the occulted plot. |
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| I thought the use of "cease" was used correctly...I love the mystery of this piece it keeps you thinking when you are done reading it...I love reading things that keeps your mind wondering....Great read :) |
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Comment by: Breathe - 2008-01-18 12:24
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I don't see how its wrong. I could have easily said the "thirst he's quenched", as quenching is the ceasing of thirst, but that would be a very cliche way of putting it. I could have said the "thirst he's stopped" or the "thirst he's fulfilled." Ceased was my favorite word.
This is a flash fiction, meaning it has to be under 150 words to qualify. It was a challenge I felt would be interesting to attempt. Excess details aren't the emphasis here and why he's being executed isn't important, but can be gathered if you put enough thought into the second paragraph. The man who is terrified is the provost operating the chamber. |
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| "the thirst he’s ceased " I think this is the wrong use of "cease". Also, who's terrified? Why is the man being executed? |
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