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brad19
Bradley J. Brett
Australia, NSW, Penrith, Sydney

Words: 226
Access: Public
Comments: 2

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Satellites ~ Revision

Everyone asks me about the simple things in life.
As if it really matters.
With all this hate surrouding,
I'm alone, hidden from the world.
Biding my time to watch and wait, as lives unfold.

Spinning around.

I've forgotten what it's all about.
Little miseries, broken skies.
Clawing my way out from this hole I've made.
Ash, dirt, and broken bones.
The future is bright now, ready for the taking.

Now they're waiting for the night lights,
Shining bright, we're getting somewhere.
We have a long way to go yet.
Hanging around, watching the world at bay.

The backroads have never been this quiet.
A drive-by lost in the undertone,
a flickering of radio.
Morning comes while night grows old.

I want to be with you for a thousand years.
And maybe I could have prepared you,
for the calamity ahead.
Yet, we may still have a chance.
As we hit the road, and wave goodbye to this town,
the people and places we call home,
Our destinies spin on satellites and falling stars.
Make a wish, and hope you won't burn out.

Now they're waiting for the night lights,
Shining bright, we're getting somewhere.
We have a long way to go yet.
Hanging around, watching the world at bay.

I guess that was our first mistake.

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Comments  
lancslass Comment by: lancslass - 2008-02-20 15:34
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I really like what you are saying in this piece, and the way you say it.
I love that sixth stanza that starts, 'I want to be with you for a thousand years,'
And 'Make a wish and hope you don't burn out' is a great line.
NightWindSailor Comment by: NightWindSailor - 2008-01-29 17:14
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Brad -

I really like what you've done with this poem.

I've got just three more comments that may help make the wording more powerful by simplification.

You should be able to drop the "me" in the first line. It's implicit with the wording you've chosen.

You should also be able to drop the "And" in the second line of the sixth stanza. It doesn't add meaning to the sentence. Some people regard starting a sentence with "and" as structurally weak. I'm not a purist in this respect, but if it does not add something specific, I usually avoid it.

In the last line the words "I guess" implies hesitation. Without these words, the sentece is more direct and forceful. You alone know what type of feeling you wish to leave the reader with.

Good job!

Olaf
1

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