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Comment by: Willow - 2008-01-23 17:56
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| Holy s**t, what I think everyday lately. I feel like it's relative to a work decision. Is it? |
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Until her time is paid
A bit of her life each day
Finding hope in a somber escape
Until the time of her return
Oh simple indescribable joy is this
Just to return home
This is weird it just doesn't go with the rest of the poem until the stanza before there is a very strong impression but here the whole rhythem just breaks apart work on that bot otherwise the poem is beautiful |
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-01-21 00:36
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Well done again... The only part I came unstuck was in the sixth stanza...
"Looking forward to with dread her arrival"... I find the phrasing of this line a little off putting and hard to make sense of. Maybe try rewording it a little... Just a suggestion, Otherwise Great, I really enjoyed it.. :) Mick |
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| To teach and to learn when teaching or learning something you are interested in is pleasurable. But, to be forced by circumstance to teach what you don't believe in or to learn things you are not interested in are quite painful, anxiety building and oppressing. I'll have to see what I can do to convey that better. Thanks for the feedback. |
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Well done, but there is one thing that leaves me confused. You have a powerful build up to the stanza below.
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To toil in another man’s world from her own
To teach and to learn
To feel her spirit oppressed
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However, this stanza seems to be an oxymoron. Most people consider "teaching and learning" to be pleasurable, positive experiences, rather than oppressing. Perhaps a stanza is missing? |
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