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Mother's Fault
She couldn’t run anymore. It was everything in her power to fight throwing up. Her body burned, all she could taste, all she could smell was blood. Who’s blood, she wasn’t sure. All she could think of was, hide.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw a group off fallen trees, almost a lean-to. Crawling inside she yearned to catch her breath. Wiping at her face she began to realize how covered in blood she really was. Trying to keep her cool she leaned back closed her eyes. Slowly she breathed in as deep as her burning lungs could go.
Her eyes suddenly snapped open. Did she, no there’s no way she could have heard something.
For two years he would come into her room. She would wake up with breath on her ear. He would say she didn’t look like her momma, but felt just like her. She never cried. He always wanted her to cry, he wanted her to break. He had already taken everything she had. He had scared her face, broke her body, and killed her soul. But she wouldn’t cry.
Starring at the moon she could remember him. She could feel his clammy skin against hers. She smiled. She would never feel him again. She would be free now, she thought as the moon fell out of focus. She would be free and it was all her fault.
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Comment by: troyarn - 2008-01-22 15:01
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| Aside from the corrections mentioned, I have to say this was a strong piece. I got a visual from it and enjoyed it very much. |
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| Thanks for the comments. I went over what was said and changed some and added others. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-01-22 05:37
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As Jim & Leslie said, very powerful piece, Tiffany! Have a few suggestions to add to Jim’s as well:
It was everything in her power to fight throwing up. (It’ll read stronger if you’ll swap WAS for TOOK) “It took everything in her power . . .”)
All (she) could think of was, hide. (Left out SHE)
Trying to keep her cool she leaned back closed her eyes and breathed in as deep as her burning lungs could go. (need commas around CLOSED HER EYES)
But, couldn’t remember anything but those times, she could feel the clammy skin against hers. (I’d lose the 2nd BUT and go with “except those times”) |
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Very powerful. At least she had closure from that creep. A chance to live without fear, at any cost.
Onlt crit would be the statement: Her eyes flew open.
Somehow does not seem to fit. Perhaps another verb to replace flew.
Otherwise, well done. |
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Comment by: - 2008-01-21 22:05
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Whoa, powerful story, Tiffany! Quite a vivid take on the contest title. I could almost feel the rising tension in the piece as well as the MC's pain. Serves the #*@$% right!
Some suggestions / corrections:
//Her body burned, all// a semi-colon instead of a comma here
//Who’s blood// "Whose"
//lean to// "lean-to"
//For two years he// suggest a comma after "years"
//Her eyes suddenly flew open.// Suggest as an alternative: "Her eyes snapped open." It gives the feeling of suddenness and eliminates the adverb
//He had scared her face// "scarred"
//Starring at the moon she// "staring" is the spelling for the word; I recommend a comma after "moon"
//But, couldn’t remember anything but those times, she could feel the clammy skin against hers.// Suggest a new sentence beginning with "she" through "hers"
//She would be free now, she though as// "thought" instead of "though" and add a comma after it. |
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