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Mother's Fault - Wee Challenge
Madeleine baked mini quiches for her older children’s lunch boxes. She added a small bottle of home-made lemonade, an apple from the tree in the garden, and a slice of the banana cake she had allowed the kids to make the previous evening.
She tucked baby Andrew safely into his carry seat and cycled to school with her sons, waving them off at the gates, her warm smile following them into their classrooms.
Back home, she nursed Andrew before laying him down for his morning nap. Having vacuumed, dusted, mopped and wiped every available surface, she went to her craft room and finished sewing the quilt for her neighbour’s new baby.
Madeleine’s mother arrived, the woman who had taught her everything, who had made her the perfect wife and mother she was today. Grandma took little Andrew for the afternoon. The older boys were having dinner at a friend’s house after school. Five hours alone before baby and husband would need her.
Madeleine closed the door. She went to the kitchen, took down a glass, grabbed the bottle and poured a large glass of vodka.
Her mother had never hit the gin until Madeleine and her sisters were in bed.
Madeleine wasn’t that perfect.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-02-04 07:40
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Hi Bill
Thanks so much - I'll take a look at the points you make, much appreciated.
Cheers
Karen |
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Okay, this one's well written with great details, the lemonade, the banana cake, the apple tree, the care she gives to raising her children.
her warm smile following them into their classrooms. - wasn't sure about this. Almost makes it seem as though the smile is detaching itself and flying after them. And from whose point of view is the warm smile following? Hers? The children's? It is the latter, then there's a POV switch in the middle of the para.
She went to the kitchen, took down a glass, grabbed the bottle and poured a large glass of vodka. - since this is flash where every word counts - thought two glasses unnecessarily redundant. "She went to the kitchen, grabbed the bottle, and poured a large glass of vodka." would give you a grand savings of four words! (Ain't I a pain?)
Also, I wasn't sure that there was enough in the piece itself to justify the conclusion. Although the conclusion has its humorous side, I don't think it's meant to be all that funny. If it isn't, you might need to have something in the body of the story that points to her unhappiness, or her struggle against herself. Because, throughout the piece, she does seem truly happy, so that when we get to the end, we're left wondering why she's driven to drink. I'm not saying there should be a lot, just the tiniest glimpse might do.
Otherwwise, masterfully done. All the best. |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-01-31 17:54
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Haha - Sharon, you got me thinking about the word the two mums used as a code - was it 'archaic'? - so they'd know when one of them had been got at (Sharon Gless was the first to go) love that movie.
Linda - hello, and welcome to how long it takes me to reply to reviews. Sorry. And thanks so much for your comments - hope to see you in the challenges.
Janyce - ha, yeah - my eldest is thirteen, tomorrow he goes to his first teenage 'house party' - his dad's a police officer - I'm looking forward to the call.
Cheers
Karen |
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Gee-not much to add. At least she didn't click on a child porno site.
A nice interpretation of how we, as mothers, are when we aren't watched, eh?
I was called by the police when my son was hanging out downtown with his friends after curfew (I live in a VERY tiny town and he was 13). I had to go pick him up at the police station. I had just finished smoking a J. |
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| I'm new to editred but am enjoying this adventure. I love your insight into human behaviors, the duality that lies within each of us. Thank you. |
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"Wonderful World of Worders"
A collection of micro-fiction by 72 writers, from 27 countries, compiled by Jenni Doherty, published by Guildhall Press with support from the Arts Council of Northern Ireland.
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