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No Regrets
I look into your eyes,
brown on blue
dancing fire flickers
in ice blue shards
unblinking
they stare.
I look into your eyes
but you cannot see me
and I cannot see you
the fire has died
if only
you could be
reborn
Pain blossoms
dropping petals of regret
that float away
on a river of tears,
they disappear
into the dark
where I cannot
follow.
I stand alone
in the tide
of expectant faces
and smothering
sympathy.
Your eyes
brown on blue
no longer see me
sightless.
Goodbye,
my love.
© Suzanne Paton 2008
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| well, I thought the imagery was fitting to what you were trying to express and poetry is lavish sometimes 'rules of the pen' as I call it, don't count with poetry so I think you did a great job! |
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| I liked the imagery and the subtle feelings in this poem. Though it somewhat is out of rhythm, it is very expressive. |
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Comment by: Cherley - 2008-01-31 22:39
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In the first stanza I'm wondering if you've considered another word for one of the blue's? I look into your eyes,
brown on blue dancing fire flickers in ice blue shards unblinking they stare
=The second stanza If only it could be reborn. =
You might consider closing with a variation of the first verse instead of your next to last stanza. Still or yet, your eyes, brown on blue dancing fire flickers in (perhaps icy steel shards unblinking)ice blue shards
unblinking they stare.
You will never see me. Or something like that.
Hope this helps.
It's a nice poem. Just needs a little nip and tuck. |
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| Another interesting piece, and yes, it does put me in mind of personal loss. As for a title, mine often come from within the poems. Give it a read or two and see what stands out to YOU. Keep writing. J |
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| This was a very moving poem, invoking memories of personal loss to the reader. Well done. |
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