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esknapp
Eric Knapp
United States, NY, Memphis

Words: 97
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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Nineteenth Birthday

The esplanade is empty,
painted in the grey
of maudlin self-projection.

The Charles, slow
and turgid, flows
like the effluent apathy
of Boston's huddled masses,
ice forming
along it's edges.

A solitary figure walks my way
and past
imparting Djarum
to the air we briefly share.
The scent out of place,
(allure and siren's promise
in the caverns of the Ratt',)
but here, pathetic incense
from the glass and iron temples
of the very least
of gods;
trailing,
like the fading spoor
of soft and clawless animals
with no warm den
to crawl to.

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Comments  
KennethWelling Comment by: KennethWelling - 2008-01-25 10:01
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Your imagery is really pulling this train.
This is very strong.
Need commas around "slow and turgid"
"Consequent to it's loss..." is implied. I think dropping those three lines might bring the ice imagery into closer proximity to your pedestrians (metaphorically as well as spatially).
I would drop the last two lines or work them in earlier if you want to reinforce the displacement. "A soft and clawless animal" is just so incredibly good that anything after that is going to be a let down.
I really enjoyed the description of the fellow pedestrian -- how the listlessness and cold have infected something beautiful. You captured it wonderfully.
Very impressive work.
Sophia Comment by: Sophia - 2008-01-23 06:38
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I agree, very reflective and also descriptive. I loved this part:

'but here, pathetic incense
from the glass and iron temples
of the very least
of gods;'

I'm afraid I have no useful suggestions as I like this as it is.
Mick Comment by: Mick - 2008-01-23 04:09
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Wow Eric!
Very reflective in many ways. I must say the last stanza is the most striking.

'like the fading spoor
of a soft and clawless animal
with no warm den
to crawl to' are my favourite lines
all in all excellent work from a fine poet.

:) … Mick
1

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By esknapp

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