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New Home, Old Problems
John and Mary squinted into the darkness beyond the strange concrete door. Their new home had a basement with a secret. Odd that they had not noticed it before, nor had the real estate agent mentioned it.
Mary fumbled for a light switch beyond the doorway. With a flick and a flash, the room erupted with reflected light. Everywhere she looked, she saw silver. It all gleamed as if freshly polished.
John noticed a small trunk in the center of the glittering piles of coins and jewelry, shining more brightly than its brethren. Mary watched her husband step forward. John held his breath as he opened the box with a twist of the latch.
“What are you doing?” Mary trembled. Everything about the room and its contents felt like a trap.
She reached to pull him back, but it was too late. The lid sprang open and a sickly green mist burst forth. Mary could hear voices laughing evilly as they escaped.
Pandora’s Gate, indeed. Now their new neighborhood’s name made more sense.
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Comment by: precar - 2008-02-05 14:31
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| This is funny! I think you could build upon it to give it either a more moral message or more of a story, or a bit of both. But the bottom line is that there is great potential there to build up on. |
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I think it's very cool and intriguing. Like a Twilight Zone episode - and what a high compliment that is!
The idea of some trapped mystical force being unleashed has fascinated me since I was a little kid, and that was a helluva long time ago. You ought to write this one into a full-length story.
This story tickled me pink. |
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Ooh, dead spooky! Clever incorporation of both sentences. I especially liked the ending...you would have thought it was something the estate agent would have mentioned!
Good story - also feel like it'd be a great longer piece - Desperate Housewives v. Ghostbusters? |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-01-28 12:10
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Hi Kirsten
I enjoyed this one - thought it was well paced, good atmosphere and tension.
Slightly off-kilter with the rules this time as you were supposed to use one of the suggested opening lines as, well, as an opening line - hehe - but, that aside, good story.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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I like it, it has the ring of a good YA mystery. If you extend it and change the married couple to, I don't know, their children.
Nice Flash
Julia |
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