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Them Rails *Wee Challenge # 24
Them Rails
John held his breath as he opened the box. Tara leaned in, over a shoulder, so to get a better look at his face. The box is light. He slides the white lid off and onto the floor, his eyes don't flutter. The insides of his cheeks quiver. Tara appears confused; he didn't flinch. What the hell? He mouthes her ear and mutters, "I should have known."
Oh shit, what do I say. "John, I," she stammers.
He puts his finger to her lips. "Shhh, you could never give me anything."
With that he stands, placing the box on the grimy brown station bench he'd been sitting on. There was nothing in the box, as there was never anything in her. He sighs then boards the awaiting train.
Next Stop: Missoula
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-01-28 12:46
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Hi Christopher
Intriguing wee story, but a couple of problems in the telling:
First, you start off in past tense (with the given line) then youswitch to present tense from 'The box is light'.
POV seems to switch from John to Tara quite frequently, even within the first paragraph, and also with 'Oh shit, what do I say?'
Okay, technical stuff aside, I did like it, liked that 'she could never give him anything' that she was empty - and am intrigued as to what was supposed to be in the box, and why it wasn't there.
Cheers
Karen
'mouthes' should be 'mouths'. |
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Comment by: Ria - 2008-01-28 09:54
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| Missoula is preferable to the empty GF. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-01-26 11:12
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| This one grabbed me, Christopher. Great line about nothing being in the box just as there was never anything in her. This was a dandy read! |
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Comment by: Dante - 2008-01-25 21:20
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So she forgot to put her present in the box before she gave it to her boyfriend, whom she could never please. I think John is overreacting here. I'm going to have to take her side on this one.
By the way, "Next Stop: Missoula" was a nice touch at the end. Pretty much summed it up. |
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'The insides of his cheeks quiver' - i love this image, i want to lean over like Tara to get a better look at him.
The allusion to the emptiness of Tara via the box is great. He thinks he's receiving a gift - but it's empty. Nicely eloquent. |
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