Wee Challenge 24 part 1
John held his breath as he opened the box. The hinges creaked and dust flowed from the lid. Valerie moved the lantern closer, raising on to tip toes as she did, peering over his shoulder. John glanced back at her, annoyed at her impatience. Slowly he moved the lid until the hinges stopped and it rested open. Softly he exhaled, blowing away two millennia of cobwebs and dirt. In the gloom of the catacomb he squinted through the haze of hanging fog. As the dust settled he let out a low whistle.
‘What is it ?’ her whisper rattled an echo about the tomb.
‘The most beautiful treasure in the world’ his hushed tones full of awe as cautiously he raised the object from the shadows of the box.
Her mind raced, gold, jewels, precious stones of all kinds, what wonders did the box contain. Again she raised the lamp to observe the shrouded item in his shaking hands
Her eyes widened as she watched him unwrap the filthy clothed shape
‘It’s a brick!’
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-01-28 13:55
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Haha - anti-climax of two millenia, very good.
There's a couple of places I'd put commas, but they're probably not essential. However, I do think:
Her mind raced, gold, jewels, precious stones of all kinds, what wonders did the box contain.
Would be better as:
Her mind raced: gold; jewels; precious stones of all kinds - what wonders did the box contain?
But that might just be me, sofeel free to ignore.
Nice one, Chris - thanks for the laugh.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-01-26 11:34
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| HA! What an ending, Chris! Great job building the tension. |
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Woo hoo, I've got the prize of the ages. King Tut, eat your heart out, you bum! With this...
brick...
crap.
Excellent, bud. Great lead up and completely unexpected. |
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Comment by: Dante - 2008-01-25 16:22
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| A brick! What a great build-up. I feel a little betrayed, as these two raiders must have felt. This detailed story flowed very well, for me. Great write, D. |
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And a lovely brick it was.
Wonderful descriptions. I could feel the anticipation, smell the musty cavern, and then you dropped the bomb, or brick, as it were. Great set up and let down. Awesome story! |
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