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John and Charlotte (wee story #24)
John held his breath as he opened the box. It always gave him a feeling of nostalgia. Today he was doing it different, opening it from the base and working his way to the top.
Charlotte he called the box, and no one except him knew why he called it that or why the contents were so important to him. It never mattered how often he opened Charlotte the feelings of élan always run through his body.
Without a doubt he loved Charlotte more than his wife, and cherished the artifacts more than his life. Life it seemed was too fast and crazy,with Charlotte he could forget his problems and relive the good times in any order he wished.
Scrolls, photos, flyers, gadgets and gizmos lined the floor. John fell asleep beneath the heap long before his reminiscing was complete.
Today John was placed in a fancier box and left to pine, as for Charlotte she’s in the garbage dump awaiting some one to open her up for one last time.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-01-30 13:53
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Ah, now I'm reading this differently - from the contents of the box (Gizmos, photos etc) I'm assuming Charlotte was an old love and this is his box of memories, but I might be way off with that interpretation.
Couple of picky points:
Charlotte he called the box - maybe 'Charlotte', he called the box or He called the box 'Charlotte'.
'It never mattered how often he opened Charlotte - need a comma after Charlotte.
'the feelings of elan always run through his body' - should be 'ran through' for tense consistency.
Just my thoughts - feel free to ignore.
I liked this - it's a wee oddity - I like wee oddities.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Ria - 2008-01-28 10:27
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| Oh, truly, one man's junk is another man's treasure. Loved it. |
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i would reword the second paragraph's opening to "He called the box Charlotte."
and make excepting, except.
also add would before "always run"
I reaaaalllly liked the story though. It was great--the tone and stlye. |
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Fascinating take and odd human being who'd name a box. It makes me wonder more about what's in the box and who this man is. Can you give more without making it less mysterious, I wonder ?
Thanks for the read. |
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| I agree with the below comment.. good work. |
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