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Who Am I?
Who am I?
I am not what you see
I will only ever show
The very tip of me
Like an iceberg
On the outside
A volcano within
My shallowness hides
The depth of my sin
I'm happy and gentle
Mild mannered and nice
While inside my furnace
Glows with malice and spite
I am a mother, a wife
A prude and a bore
A lover, a poet,
A brazen faced whore
When you look in my eyes
It's brightness you'll see
When you look in my soul
There's a darkness in me
Uneducated and knowledgeable
Quiet and loud
Frightened and brave
Ashamed and yet proud
Who am I?
What can I say
The 'I' that I am
Changes every day..
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Back for a second read. Again, you strike a cord in my life. Poetry that does this is good poetry. I made a suggestion earlier, but have a couple of other things on second reading that I've noticed:
Who am I?
I am not what you see (This line needs a period at the end)
I will only ever show
The very tip of me
Like an iceberg
On the outside (there should be a comma after outside,)
A volcano within (and a comma or period here, too. Preferrably a period.)
My shallowness hides
The depth of my sin
I'm happy and gentle (comma)
Mild mannered and nice (comma)
While inside my furnace (inside, my ...)
Glows with malice and spite (could change spite to spice to facilitate the rhyme and spice can be an emotional word.
I am a mother, a wife (comma)
A prude and a bore (comma)
A lover, a poet,
A brazen faced whore (brazen-faced)
When you look in my eyes (adverb clause: When you look in my eyes,)
It's brightness you'll see (period or semi-colon)
When you look in my soul (adverb clause: When you look in my soul,)
There's a darkness in me (end line with period)
Uneducated and knowledgeable (finish line with comma)
Quiet and loud (finish line with comma)
Frightened and brave (finish line with comma)
Ashamed and yet proud (finish line with comma)
Who am I?
What can I say (should have a comma or question mark at the end of this line)
The 'I' that I am
Changes every day.. (two periods at the end of this line. Each day would protect your rhythm, but I mentioned that before.
THis is a good poem, just a bit of punctuation would make it better to read. Good luck with it. Janet |
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| Excellent, honest portrayal. The only thing is the last line seems to spoil the rhythm. Maybe "changes each day" would mean the same, but drop the extra beat. Just a suggestion. Janet |
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Comment by: - 2006-05-07 15:40
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| You've just described the 'human condition' and the many masks we all wear. Good and honest insight. |
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| This is a very nice spin off of the usually cliched-laden who am i poems. This was a different approach and it worked well, and I loved it! |
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| I thought that was great! You know your stuff!!!!! |
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