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Alien Challenge #8
Can there be a light
Maybe at the end somewhere
Now searching,confused
We can see,even feel it
Feeling very light, somewhere
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Comment by: alien - 2008-01-27 12:28
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The magic of the tanka (and poetry in general, in fact) is making every word count for something and in this, I think you've got some redundant words. The repetition of 'somewhere' doesn't enhance the meaning, so maybe you could find some way of replacing one (or both) of them?
And the word 'very' in line 5 - try to avoid using very in poetry as it's a pretty meaningless word in my opinion. 'Very light' could be re-written as dazzled, brightened, blinded (or even weightless) etc and would have more effect that way (although it would mess up the syllabic count for the tanka form).
Also, remember that there's a space after a comma. I think this could be punctuated a little more carefully: a question mark at the end of line one, a comma at the end of line 3, and probably a full stop at the end of line 4. (That's not me saying that every line ending in poetry should be punctuated because that would be bad.)
But yeah, I like the subject matter. I feel that this poem could actually be expanded into something longer. |
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Comment by: - 2008-01-26 17:13
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| Good piece. It is short but gets somewhat of a point across. Also it’s written differently with imagination and your style, which makes the piece stronger. |
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Comment by: 7thSon - 2008-01-26 09:01
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| Whoops thanks for that Lancslass ... |
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Intense but dreamy quality to these lines. Thought provoking, too. Good imagery, I saw the light with the first line, no, wait, you know what I mean...
Oh, I think you have eight syllables in the last two lines, not seven.
Nicely done. |
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