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Wee Challenge #24
Wee Challenge #24
John held his breath as he opened the box…
The air bubbles floating from the oxygen tanks almost whispered words of encouragement as they disappeared from the consequences of John’s actions.
Sand clouds created a haze of anticipation, the box had become dislodged from the sea bed of rocks and aquatic plant-life. John held his grip, dropping the knife he had used to prise open the, expected, sunken treasure. A mist had formed on the inner-side of John’s mask, he squinted, blinked and refocused. The prize sat triumphantly, shimmering, casting streams of coloured light across the now cleared lens of the goggles.
As John reached into the box a high pitched bleeping, penetrating his left eardrum, woke him from his trance, the oxygen tanks were running low.
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-01-30 14:00
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This is good, SS - nice pacing, building the anticipation and an open ending that leaves the reader wondering. Some lovely descriptions, too.
The punctuation is a wee bit off here and there, particularly in the first two lines in the second paragraph and in the last sentence - but that's just my opinion, feel free to ignore.
Thanks for the read and for taking the challenge.
Cheers
Karen |
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Comment by: Arley Online- 2008-01-26 12:17
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Good read, Sev! If you’ll pop a space between paragraphs it’ll read easier.
The air bubbles floating from the oxygen tanks, almost, whispered words (Need to lose the comma after ALMOST)
John held his grip, dropping the knife he had used to prise open the, expected, sunken treasure. (EXPECTED reads awkward to me, I’d lose it) |
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